I know you've missed me but....

...I have been enjoying my two weeks off of work with my adorable darling husband. Right now I don't know why I am up at this ungodly hour, oh wait...it is because my husband just now came to bed which woke me up entirely. His routine tends to do that with the washing of the face, showering, hair routine, and turning on the television to a blaring volume just to fall asleep watching it. But...to know him is to love him and boy do I sure love him.

Nothing new going on in the ttc area. I am beginning to get EWCM which I normally do around this time so although we are preparing for the next cycle we will still give a wholehearted attempt at this cycle naturally. Let's give it up for ole' fashioned babymaking s-e-x...Can I get a whoop whoop?

And ironically enough I am also planning my SIL's baby shower in February. How did I get so lucky you ask? Well first of all because I am just the sweetest person ever (honk, honk) and secondly because I don't know if anyone else would have done it if I didn't mention it and lastly because I just love placing myself in the fertile presence of my 7 month pregnant SIL every chance I get. Let me just tell you...the sheer torture of hosting the baby shower in the same month as my IUI is causing me to wonder if I am loosing my mind these days. I think we all know the answer to that!

So I have to figure out a way to strategic plan the shower around the weekend that I may need to get the IUI done. I am sure it's workable. I won't stress out. Breath in, breath out, relaaaax. So thank you blogger world for dealing with my ramblings. Oh and more good news...I will be placing videos on my blog documenting the IUI in all of its glory. Best of all..it will be totally unscripted! The good, bad, and ugly...stay tuned!

Ladies and Gentlemen...We have A Plan!

Unfortunately that plan won't take effect until my next cycle...such is life.

We went to the RE's office today. Our appointment was at 11 but they didn't call us back until 11:20 or later. I was afraid to look at the time for fear that I would go slap off on someone. Hey...give me a break, I have my period. Anyway they called us back and they took my vitals. Anyone who knows why they took my vitals for a consult appointment please feel free to elaborate! After that we went in to speak with Dr. M.

Dr. M is a nice character. He is very down to earth and I like him a lot. Hubby likes him too. He went over our history and our latest results. Everything looked okay and he gave us his recommendation. The recommendation was pretty much what I expected but for entertainment purposes I will take you through the protocol.

When AF arrives I will begin Clomid for CD3 - CD7. They will bring me back on CD12 for a follicle scan. If everything looks good they will prescribe the Hcg trigger and we will do a double...yes double IUI. So freakin' exciting! The doctor said that he expects that I will respond just fine to 50mg of Clomid since my body is doing some form of ovulation on its own anyway. He discussed multiples and SR and that is where Babe starts freaking out.

Babe says I don't want to do any type of reduction and the Dr. is tickled pink b/c I don't think he ever got that reaction out of a male client before. Babe was extreamly concerned with the whole "risk of multiples and SR" thing but I reassured him that we probably won't even have to worry about it. (Although I am almost sure we will end up with twins since we are stimming and there are twins on both my mother and fathers side of the family).

So all in all it was a good consult and we are just saving our dollars and waiting for the next cycle. Pretty freaked out about that whole shot thing but I am sure it won't be nearly as bad as I am envisioning. We are almost there people! We are so close to getting that BFP...I know it...I can feel it...I believe it!

CD1...AGAIN!!!

Well the witch finally showed her face. I just wish I had not have wasted that pregnancy test. I already knew that I wasn't pregnant but I just let my emotions get the best of me. I won't let that happen again though. It's funny in a way because I used to be so optimistic about things. Now I just struggle to see the positive in all of this. I do know deep down inside that there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

This was officially our 6th consecutive cycle of ttc since Babe came back from California. Technically we could try for 6 more months but we don't really have to b/c we have already been labled as infertile. We have been through all of the testing and we really have been fortunate to have been able to see a specialist early on in the game. I know I couldn't deal with 6 more months of this. Hopefully I won't have to.

I have been thinking about my blog lately and I think it would be more interesting if I also did video clips of my journey. So I will work on that. Hopefully my journey will be of inspiration to someone else. And of course with every negative thing that occurs there is always something positive to counter balance things. On a positive note the arrival of AF brings a new cycle. A medicated cycle. A cycle of hope. A cycle which I am praying will end in a pregnancy.

I think my body and AF have a thing together...

Either that or God just thinks it is hilarious to torture me every month. No wait..I know...it is because AF is just plain ole mean. She's a mean witch! Yep...

The spotting is gone. It was only a few spots once...yesterday at that. I put a tampon in just to be on the safe side and when I removed it...just a bit of brownish-errrr pinkish colored blood. Now I am spending my time obsessing over if this has happened before. I have come to the conclusion that yes it has just not in this manner. I have spotted before AF. It is usually on and off but pretty consistant. Once, the spotting stopped for a day or so and then AF didn't come until the evening...just when I thought I may have missed her. I don't know why my body does this to me.

The thing is she shouldn't get my hopes up like that. It's cruel! I was pretty darn sure the spotting was a prelude to AF. I even had mom pick me up some tampons from the store yesterday. I don't want to get my hopes up. I am very very very scared! For once I didn't stress during the TWW because I knew we failed this cycle with everything going on. The testing and preparing for the next round. Accepting that I need med's in order to properly ovulate. Planning for the IUI in February. Now it seems like it may be a possibility that it worked. Maybe we made a baby????

Babe took me to Walgreens to get pee sticks. He wants to know as bad as I do. Of course it is way too close to Christmas for me to not make that a gift to him if I am pregnant. So tomorrow as I am out and about I will pick up some things to make my gift up....you know just in case. RE appt. still scheduled for Wednesday. Maybe I won't have to go. Maybe God is creating a miracle within me. Because we all know...that certainly would be a miracle!

BFP for Christmas?...Unfortunately Not

It is much worse when you don't expect her to come for another few days. I had some hopes of testing and seeing that BFP for Christmas. I was daydreaming about how I could present the good news to Babe. Even though I knew deep down inside this cycle was a bust it still sucks. I slept most of the morning b/c I was exausted from the weeks prior events...Christmas parties galore and roasting 9 1/2 Lbs of Pecans and Walnuts for orders.

I was at my moms house when she showed. I went to the BR and there she was. Not in all her glory but still enough for me to know that she would arrive between tonight and tomorrow. :SIGH: It's funny ya know. No matter how many times you experience a failed cycle it is still rather disturbing every time.

So it's on to the next cycle. I believe that the RE will have me start Clomid on Wednesday. I am sort of excited to be starting a new cycle. If things work out money wise we may be able to get the IUI done this cycle. We'll see though....

Partial Ovulation?

I received a call from Dr. M's office this morning. They told me that Babe's culture(s)...yes plural, came back negative for infection. This is good news! I asked them about my progesterone and they said the level came back at 8.4. Now I have heard some conflicting information about what this means. I have heard that greater than 5 or 6 means ovulation occured. According to fertility plus...

"A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on a natural cycle, and a level over 15 on a medicated cycle".

So I don't know exactly what is going on with my body but looks like I partially ovulated...Great! (I'm being sarcastic by the way). I guess it just confirms what the doctors think. I am ovulating but not well enough to become pregnant. The good news in all of this is that I will find out what the doctor thinks about all of this and we will leave with a plan. Finally...making some headway.

Murphy's Law

Who is Murphy and why did he even go there with that stupid law. It is true though. Prime example...Babe and I have been planning to do this procedure for months now. It's our "Plan B". I have been mentioning to him that we need to save for it. Well low and behold guess what happens. He tells me last night that he won't have the money to do the procedure in January. Was I mad? Yes. Is there a better unforseen reason this happened? Yet to be determined.

We don't know what Dr. M wants us to do anyway and AF is due either Monday or Tuesday of next week. We don't see Dr. M until Wednesday (Yep Christmas Eve) so if he wants me to take Clomid this cycle he will pretty much have to call it in that day. He may very well just want us to try a natural cycle of Clomid to see how I respond in which case we wouldn't have done the IUI until Feb anyway. I hope this is God's way of directing us. Maybe a miracle will happen while on the Clomid au natural cycle.

In other news: Our job has decided to give us the two days before Christmas Eve off! Normally, Babe ends up having those days before Christmas off and I end up working until Christmas Eve. So what am I going to do with myself? Who knows! I am just so darn excited.

A different two week wait

All of us in the ttc world know that we are just one more "two week wait" away from happiness. Ahhh, the two week wait... It is neverending. It is trecherous. It is plain insanity. We begin by figuring out how many DPO we are. We then count the days until implantation. We mull over what symptoms we should and should not be feeling starting at 7DPO. We do the TP Tango. We squeeze and poke our breast. We swear that nausea has hit and that farting is a definite sign. We analyze every twinge. We buy anywhere from 5-10 dollar store pregnancy test or internet cheapies only to begin testing at 8DPO only 1DPO past when implantation should occur. We try to hold out hope that each negative we see is because it is "too early". For some there is a light at the end as they marvel at that second line. But for many others like me...we wipe back the tears, toss the one lined test in the trash, and begin all over again. PURE.UTTER.INSANITY!

This month however, I am experiencing a different two week wait. One that is not nearly as crazy but still nervewracking. In exactly two weeks Babe and I will enter Dr. M's office and face our destiny. We will finally hear what we already know is true. We will initiate "Plan B". Dr. M wants to discuss our treatment options and that is both scary and relieving. This two week wait will bring answers, solutions, and change. For once I feel like this is..The last two week wait before my last two week wait!

Now I know that nothing is guarenteed. I know that one IUI may not bring us our desired pregnancy. I know that just because we spend $600 and opt for more aggressive treatment doesn't entitle us to anything. But By God at least we are getting somewhere. Somewhere other than trying month after month with no positive results. I pray that this IUI will work for us. That God will see it fit for us to become pregnant. That this is the "one" time that the fertile world has been raving over. This is our time!

Conception School Dropouts!

I have such slacker organs! Aside from that Babe has slacker swimmers. So when you put the two together what do you get? Yeah...I could shoot the person who told me that "it only takes one time". Well if that is the case then why aren't we pregnant already? So here is the latest update...from my lazy ovaries to you.

I have not ovulated as of yesterday which was CD14 and I had no dominant follicles so it looks as if I am not going to O at all or it may be a poor ovulation. Babe's s/a came back okay but still subpar. Volume was the same as last time but count was pretty good @ 60 Mill. Motility much better at 43% and morph slightly better at 6.5%. The RE tells us we have graduated from IVF to IUI which is much more cost effective for us. All in all we are a pretty subfertile couple but nothing that a little modern medicine can't fix.

We have another appt. on Christmas Eve to discuss treatment options and costs. I am assuming that we will discuss a Clomid/IUI cycle for the next go round. I just can't wait to be taking action on "Plan B". I mean yes it could be several failed attempts before we get our BFP but ultimately we will get our baby! I feel so excited that pregnancy is right around the corner for us as it has already been such a long haul already. God is still good!

Spoke Way To Dang Soon

Just as I thought Babe and I would have a relaxing stress free weekend full of baby making my biotch of a body wants to overperform and cause me to O early...at least I fear this is what is happening. OK before you go getting all "You know how obsessive and freaked out you become over nothing" on me hear me out.

I usually get EWCM around CD10 and O on CD14/15. Well this cycle I began getting EWCM on CD8 and today I have tons and the telltale sign of ovaries pinching like a crab on a sunny afternoon. Well I called the RE's office and of course Nurse C tells me to do the one thing I hoped I wouldn't have to do this weekend....Use the OPK's and look for the surge. CRAPOLA!

So now I will be spending my weekend stressed out about detecting the surge because Lord help me if I do then Nurse C says we have to cancel the appointment. Double Crapola! The good news is that Babe will still go for his "date with the cup" and they can still use this cycle to tell me how good I O'd by taking my progesterone in about a week.

My friend B said it best to me this morning...My body is a BITCH!

Rashes and Rationalizations

I broke out in a rash on Monday night. I don't know if it was something I ate or if it was my new body wash (which I would like to mention that I have been using since last Wednesday with no problems) but either way it sucked! I was watching Saw IV on my computer and I just started itching. I went to the bathroom and I was all broken out and red and I had swollen bumps on my legs, upper and lower back, hips...uh pretty much everywhere. I took benadryl, rubbed cortizone cream all over, and took the day off work. I feel much better.

I asked Babe if he felt like we were rushing into things with the IUI. I feel like we may be rushing God and that we should just wait on him. At the same time I know that I don't want to pretend that everything is fine when there could be a problem. I am torn really. Babe really didn't help much. He just told me to pray...Thanks honey.

I figured that we would do this appointment on Monday and if they say that everything checks out with Babe and the boys and all is well with my blood work results then we will not proceed with "Plan B"...at least for now. As hard as it will be I will try to give it a full consecutive year. Which means trying on our own until July. If the results come back subpar for either Babe or myself...well it's on to "Plan B". That is the best way to rationalize this whole ordeal.

In the meantime Babe and I will enjoy each other without the pressures of "trying" this month. I can say that only because I will basically know when I am O'ing because of the RE appt. so I can pretty much cheat this cycle. Well I am okay with that especially since I have been working so hard these past few cycles.

Forgot to mention...

...Babe and I went on a date night Saturday. While we were in the mall he told me that his UR told him that we need to relax. He said that him and his wife had been trying for years and then they went on a cruise and whammo...9 months later they had a son. Which I must mention was their only son. So why did this bother me so much you ask?

Well mainly because it is an actual medical professional telling us to relax. Two because...HELLO you are supposed to be figuring out why we aren't getting pregnant. Three because...ummm yeah obviously if it were really that simple then people would be pregnant all the time. And lastly because come on you are a urologist that specializes in infertility...Show a little compassion man!

The sad part in it all is that Babe actualy felt confident in that tidbit of advice and I am actually starting to believe that maybe if we just relax....yeah whatever....

Somthing to look forward to

Right now Babe and I are in that "waiting" period. Waiting to O, waiting for his S/A, waiting for my U/S appt, waiting for a baby, waiting....waiting....waiting. I honestly think this is the worst wait EVER...Yes even as worse as the TWW. So as I am thinking about how I am going to pass the time I realize that he and I actually have something to look forward to.

Babe has never seen me get an ultrasound done during my fertile period. Well he has but since my ovaries were very cystic at the time it really wasn't very interesting. So I find it quite amusing that he will actually get to experience the joy of "the wand" AND see how many eggs his swimmers could potentially fertilize them. It will be the highlight of our day to say the least.

On another note: I feel really bad about Babe having to make his deposit this time around. I mean poor guy...I wonder if I should go in to assist this time around. Maybe it won't take an hour. I'm thinking Demi Moore...Ya know...Strip Tease! I will admit though I am not to keen on having a needle dug into my veins at 7:00 in the morning. :Sigh: whatever it takes I guess.

And so...the countdown begins. 6 days until my next RE appointment!

Turkey and TTC

Babe and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. All of our family was there and we ate until we couldn't eat anymore. And because I am a lover of all things food...I will give you a complete menu listing. Our Thanksgiving meal consisted of

• Fried Turkey
• Honey Dijon Baked Spiral Ham
• Baked Macaroni and Cheese
• Collard Greens
• Dressing and Gibblet Gravy
• Candied Yams
• Corn Pudding
• Cranberry Relish
• Cranberry Sauce
• Fresh Baked Yeast Rolls
• Deviled Eggs
• Million Dollar Pie
• Sweet Potato Pie
• Peach Dump Cake

Ummm....Yeah so we pigged out! Everything was delicious and I was exausted. Of course we made our rounds to Babe's side of the family. While there of course the topic of conversation was when Babe and I were going to have children. No one knows that we have been trying hard without any success. Unfortunately, this time only I was cornered with the question so Babe didn't have to face the embarrassment. I began to feel the pressure when C, T, and V were sitting at the table with me and they were talking about their pregnancies...Yes all of them have more than one child!

I was the only one at the table with nothing to add. I just sat and looked while they talked about morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms. I texted Babe and told him I was getting tired so he came in and rescued me. When we got in the car I told him about what happened and he said he was sorry I had to listen to that. He is so sweet! At home I told him that mom and dad blessed some oil for us b/c they know we are having trouble in that department. He ended the conversation by saying that it would happen soon for us and that God won't let us down. I believe that...I have to.

Bloodwork and Ultrasound - Updates!

I spent the majority of my morning going back and forth with the RE's office. I was surprised when the NP told me that I didn't need to come in to see them until CD13 for the U/S and Babe's S/A. I am getting the B/W done through Quest earlier that morning. Babe and I will take the day off and get things done and then we will probably go to PA BBQ and relax the rest of the day. It should be a good day!

So mentally I am feeling okay. I think the wait is going to kill me but it isn't nearly as bad as the TWW. I know the 8th will be here before we know it. The good news is that they will probably be able to tell me how long it will be before I O so I can BD stress free. No OPK's this month! WOO HOO! I am actually pretty excited to find out how many eggs I produce and what sizes they are. Boy the things that amuse me these days.

Well my friends that it it for now...I don't know if I will have many updates regarding our babymaking adventures at least until we are approaching our appointment. I wonder how long it will be before we get our results back?

CD1....AGAIN

So AF found me....AGAIN! I pretty much expected it though. I was forced by Babe to take a HPT because we were experiencing some "symptoms" of pregnancy. I took the test on yesterday morning and of course...BFN. So we spent the day sulking over our disappointing news and decided to move on to "Plan B" as Babe fondly calls it.

AF arrived today at around 1:30(ish) accompanied by all the bells and whistles. Cramps, irritability, and chocolate cravings. I called the RE's office to schedule my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. Unfortunately, they never called me back. I am concerned because my CD3 falls on Turkey Day and I certainly don't want to be getting probed when I should be glazing the ham. But hey...I guess I will do what I have to do.

On to better news....

Babe went to see Dr. Golf today at 3:15. I called at around 4:15 to see how things went. He told me that Dr. Golf agreed that he should get another S/A done and wrote the prescription. Babe doesn't have to take the Clomid until we see what the results are. We couldn't have asked for a better appointment! Hopefully I can get Babe scheduled for the S/A at the same time I go for my appt. We are so excited. We are on our way to "Plan B"!

Life is like a box of....Chocolates?

Yes, sweet delicious chocolates. While I am sure Forest Gump was very profound when he used the analogy of chocolates and life he obviously didn't consider that chocolate is rich, sweet, and delicious...none of which my life is right now. And unfortunately it is true that you never know what you are going to get.

I am 8DPO today and almost certain that I am not going to be getting that Thanksgiving surprise that I have been praying for. And yes, I did say almost certain because no one is ever 100% certain of anything...there is always that itsi bitsi exception. And of course being 8DPO I am really feeling more anxious about what next week may hold for Babe and I. I really want to make his dreams come true by announcing that we beat the odds by becoming pregnant.

So if life really was like a box of chocolates then I wouldn't be so bitter. Bitter because Babe and I have tried everything under the sun in an attempt to become pregnant. We have tried Praying, Charting, Robitussin, Praying more, Acteyl L Carnitene, Preseed, Hip Elevation, Praying harder, Laying for 30 minutes, Fertili Tea, OPK Strips, Pineapple Juice, Grapefruit Juice, Vitamins, Clomid, and yes....Relaxing! We have even resorted...correction, I have resorted to Begging God to bless us.

I guess I will know soon enough if any of that worked. I am tired so I really hope something happens, and soon!

Phantom of the Opera

The Phantom of the Opera was one of the shows that our orchestra performed when I was in high school. We performed all of the musical selections complete with smoke, light effects, and sound effects. It was awesome! But today I am beginning to have another type of phantom episode plaguing me. It is my phantom pregnancy symptoms. I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact 6 DPO today and that was all thanks to my handy dandy ovulation calendar/calculator. It told me that I did in fact O on 11/12 and that places me at 6 days past ovulation. Hip hip hooray!

It's funny that these symptoms are much like my performance in high school, especially the smoke screen. I feel like the symptoms are making it very hard to visualize the reality that I probably am not pregnant this month. They throw up this screen that makes you believe that what you are experiencing is in fact real...even though they are the same symptoms you have experienced before in other non pregnant cycles.

Just for your entertainment pleasure I will report that I have began experiencing cramping, frequent urination, and my breasts are becoming tender. But, aren't these the same symptoms you experience every month? Yes, yes they are except for last month in which I had no symptoms at all whatsoever and still ended up with a negative. So while I will always remember that magical performance from my high school days I wish to lock away the phantom forever and proudly sing to the world that I am finally pregnant...I hope that I am able to have my own performance soon!

5....Errrr 6DPO

Today I am either 5 or 6 DPO...not that it really matters anyway but I just thought I would mention it. I have been feeling very peaceful this cycle. I mean I would still like a positive outcome (read: a positive pregnancy test) but if not then it is on to the next cycle. I guess I just feel like we are getting closer to receiving medical intervention.

I have been reading blogs all weekend and it is so sad how women pay all of this money out of pocket for IUI's and IVF treatments and still come up BFN. I mean women who have done this for 3 or more times. Don't get me wrong...it isn't sad that these women actually pay for treatment but it is sad that it isn't always guarenteed.

I am really struggling with the statistics right now. It seems that the odds are only increased by a small percentage and that is if you are on meds. I do, of course, plan on taking Clomid and trying the trigger shot. I think with the cost of things, Babe and I, will probably try the IUI every three months until it works...hopefully it will work the first time. ::SIGH::

Prayer and Faith

Mom always tells me that sometimes you need something tangible to help you ask God for what you want and keep faith that he will grant that. Sometimes people have prayer cloths, sheets, a cross, a stone, or whatever....



I thought that since I have been feeling out of sorts with religion lately I would do the same so I purchased a prayer box necklace. It opens and you put your prayer inside. It looks like this....



So, I am going to write my prayer request for a happy healthy pregnancy and baby and place it inside the prayer box. That way when I wear it everyday I will remain strong and keep the faith that God will hear my prayer and he will answer them in his time.


On another note: I made an appointment on 11/25 for Babe to go back to Dr. F who I will now refer to as Dr. Golf . We call him that, Babe and I, because he is never there and it is so inconvenient to try to get ahold of him that we figure he has to be at the golf course everyday. Anyway Babe has an appointment with Dr. Golf to talk about the "Clomid Night" which I will never mention in public so you all will have to use your imaginations about what occured. Hopefully, Babe can get some answers about his S/A as well. Only 2 more months until our IUI consultation/scheduling. It is like the movie Groundhog Day during a TWW......

Uhhhhh....

Why is it that when people don't experience things for themselves they feel the need to catagorize everyone based on their perceptions? I will never understand that. It's like if you haven't spent hundreds of dollars at the RE's office, gone through months of needle pokes, had dye shot through your fallopian tubes, been told you have hostile CM, endured months of vaginal ultra sounds, induced by provera for a year, subjected DH to the embarassment of touching his manhood in a public place, and given the news that you are subfertile and the only way to conceive is through IUI or IVF then you should just keep your freakin' opinions to yourself.

NEWS FLASH: Just because you relax and manage to become pregnant doesn't mean everyone who is ttc can relax and become pregnant. Infertility is NOT a mind game it is a reproductive dysfunction. Man people really need to go back to school and learn a few things or do some research or something.

Ugggh the things people say sometimes. I gather I will be loosing a heck load of friends in the upcoming months because of plain ol stupidity. Whatever.....

To Ovulation...........And Beyond!

I decided that I would bring my OPK strip to work so that I could test today. I want to make sure I don't miss that window. I have a crap load of EWCM and I was sure I would O tomorrow. I took the test and I am close but....no cigar. I am pretty sure I will get my positive tomorrow and O on Wednesday. I feel as if my ovaries are going to explode!

Bad O pains this time around. I am grateful that I actaully feel them this cycle. Last cycle I think I had a sub par ovulation and that wasn't apparent until this cycle when the pains and abundance of fertile CM showed. I am going to use this to my advantage of course and plan several BD sessions with Babe. He will be so pleased!

I am just trying to stay optimistic about this cycle. I know the dreaded TWW is going to be murder on me but I have been through it before so I know what to expect. Just hoping this time won't end is sheer and utter disappointment like it usually does. I mentioned to my friend C that Babe and I were considering IUI for February. She was pretty supportive and that was a relief. I am so tired of all of the comments about how we should just be patient or stop trying so hard.

Hello people it's called (in)fertility. Although I would like to consider Babe and myself subfertile. It makes me upset that people think it is so easy to become pregnant. Like being subfertile has a cure which consists of relaxing and starting adoption paperwork. Geeze.............

Weekend Getaway

Babe and I went to Miami to a car show this Saturday. It was awesome! We went with R and C and their three kids....errrr 4 kids. I saw a lot of cute cars but my next car will be the VW CC. It is so beautiful. So beautiful in fact that I have decided to show you all a picture of it.

I saw a lot of different cars I like and I am a car type of girl. I hopefully won't need the mini van yet....Another awesome thing that happened was when we got to meet Will from the show Unique Whips. If you don't know who in the heck I am talking about, don't worry. Will owns an auto shop and he customizes all the "ballers" cars. From 50 cent to Eminem. He was signing shirts and posters so we all got souviners. I love his show and Babe and I would watch it all the time.

After the car show we went to Chipotle which is our new favorite restaurant aside from Cheesecake Factory. Chipotle is not as expensive so on that note I digress..... If you have never been to Chipotle then boy are you missing a treat. I like it because everything is so very simple. You can order a salad bowl, rice bowl, burritos, or three tacos and fill it with your choice of meat, salsas, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, ect...It is to die for. And since I am a food lover at heart I have included pictures because I believe that the eyes are the pallate for the stomach....

YUMMO! Babe and I both had the rice bowl with Carnitas and Chicken. C and R had steak burritos, and the kids had chicken soft tacos. All in all I would say it was a good day. Tiring but good.....

E3, FSH, and EWCM

Sounds very scientific huh? So I called the RE today to get a price sheet on IUI/Clomid cycle just in case...you all know me, I am very obsessive, very compulsive, and overall just a freak of nature when it comes to ttc. I studied the numbers very closely trying to come up with a total but I came to the conclusion that I will just have to wait until my Follicle scan to get a breakdown of everything.

Speaking of Follicles...I saw my first glimpse of EWCM today at around 12:30pm. I am so proud of myself. Can't ya tell... It is CD10 today so I figure I will probably O on CD14 again this cycle. I would love to O earlier though because I am having a bit of a conflict with my body and the two most important national holiday's, Thanksgiving and Christmas!

I was attempting to schedule the E3, FSH, and Progesterone at the RE's office for November...again just in case. Well these tests are done on day 3 of my cycle. Low and Behold, my cycle for both November and December falls exactly 3 days before Thanksgiving and Christmas. So ultimately this means I have to either wait until January to have everything done or try to pursuade the RE to let me have the b/w and such done on CD2.

I really hope there is a silver lining somewhere around here!

And then there was that feeling...

I woke up this morning with the weirdest feeling ever. It is very hard to describe but in my still slumbered state, I will attempt to do so. I woke up this morning and my heart felt different. It felt like this is and will be the month I get pregnant. No doubt about it 100% sure gut feeling! It was the weirdest thing. I just felt like God spoke to my heart and told me not to worry and that we would get our miracle very very soon.

Now I don't know if it will happen this month or even next month but I do know that it was the best feeling I have felt in a long long time. I am praying even harder for our miracle now. I really hope that I have the stregnth to handle whatever comes in these next few months as I await these next few weeks to see if I will be entering the world of pregnancy.

As I look at the calendar and reflect on Thanksgiving, it seems so close but yet so far. I know that by then I will know for sure if I am pregnant or not. The good news is that Babe and I have our weekends booked solid until then so I will have plenty of time to not focus on the outcome of our efforts. Praise God for that....

4 days until I O and our 2-year Anniversary..........................

Preseed is my new bestie!

Last night Babe and I decided to try the Preseed even though it isn't quite time for me to O. I was actually kind of nervous because I never really have a problem in that department and so naturally I never really used that type of product. Nevertheless, I took my shower after dinner and applied the product. Simple...

So, I called Babe in so that we could commence with modern practices and man oh man! I LOVE PRESEED!!! Even if it doesn't work to get us pregnant I would buy it just to use on a regular basis...especially during those quick fixes. I was intantly ready to go! That was so awesome to me. Boy the things that tend to amuse me. I laugh at myself sometimes.

I hearby declare that regardless of the outcome of this cycle...I love Preseed and I will continue to use it throughout my days. Preseed certainly has my vote....

The Countdown and The Plan

Ovulation day is quickly approaching. I have decided to kill two birds with one stone this month. Since Babe and I are observing our Anniversary on Tuesday which happens to be a holiday I thought it would be nice to go to our new favorite restaurant...The Cheesecake Factory. While we are in City Place I am going to go to B&N and while he is browsing the magazines like he usually does I will unsuspectingly purchase him a fatherhood book as well as something for myself.

I plan on surprising him with it this month provided I get a positive test result. Ironically, my O date falls right on our Anniversary date so I think God has his hands on this one. AF is due 2 days before Thanksgiving so that would make a wonderful surprise. Plus, all my family will be at my house on Thanksgiving so I think it would be great to announce our pregnancy on Thanksgiving. Of course being the quirky obsessive freak that I am will probaby test during the weekend that Babe and I will be out of town for a friend's wedding. Hopefully I can keep the secret until Thanksgiving but it is going to be hard sneaking to get a blood test done...especially with one vehicle.

Anyhoodle, that is all of course just my plan and we all know what happens to the best laid plans right? Right....

5 days and counting.......................

Preseed + Prayer = Pregnancy????

I have some major mixed emotions about this month. I have felt so many different emotions over the past months of ttc. I told mom last night that I just can't bear to get excited just to be let down again. I try to get mom to understand that I do believe God has a plan for us and that we have to believe, trust and have faith that it will happen. I do believe it will happen but it is so hard staying positive when all you keep getting are Big Fat Negatives!

The Preseed came in the mail last night. That does give me a bit of encouragement. If nothing else it will be exciting to add a new product to our bedroom repertoire. It came in this discreet package which was all James Bond secret agent style. I felt the need to run in the bathroom, lock the door, and decode the secret message which hopefully contained the key to achieving pregnancy. All in all it was pretty disappointing to see that there were just six individual applicators in a fairly simple package. It did come with a variety of reading material about various (in)fertility products which I read in the tub last night. Plus, there were two free pregnancy tests included so that in itself was worth the purchase.

I am hoping that with a lot of praying and positive thinking along with the Preseed will do the trick this cycle. If not...it's on to cycle 8.

You ever feel like you should have left well enough alone?

I was reading an email from my friend N today and she asked a very important question. It caused me to call the RE for some answers. Although I probably should have just "left well enough alone" I still want to say Thanks N for mentioning that for me....

I called the RE today and basically asked them two questions that had been plaguing my mind for a few days.

1. Do we have to wait for Dr. F to order another test for Babe or can we just request it directly from Dr. M?
2. Will Dr. M prescribe Clomid for me as well even if I am regularly ovulating?

I must admit that the answers I got were not surprising but the baggage along with those answers are weighing on my mind like a ton of bricks. Basically, we can order another test with Dr. M since I was their patient anyway. (Phew...that was close). The IVF Coordinator is pretty straightforward and I definitely do not like her as well as the NP but she had the answers so I took them. She mentioned that it is probably best for me to take Clomid if we do not achieve pregnancy by January. The reason being that even though I am ovulating on my own I may not be ovulating well enough to achieve pregnancy. They would like to stim me but only if my ultra sound and blood work doesn't match.

Our plan is to try this month and if it is a no go then I will go in on CD13 for a follicle scan and blood work. That will tell us how well I am ovulating and how good the eggs are. Depending on the results I will either be stimmed with Clomid or move on to the next round with out. Babe will be retested in January and hopefully by February we can schedule IUI if needed.

So basically I did get some answers and I have that "I feel I need to be doing something" urge satisfied...for the moment.

Friendship is a powerful thing

Babe always teases me about those who I label as "friends". For a while he didn't understand how I could have friends who I never even met. Sometimes I didn't even understand it myself. All I knew was that I had this amazing group of friends who I have never met but still mean the world to me. These 5 girls are the best group of women around and if I haven't said it lately, I am blessed to know them all.

A while ago S sent our group a secret email about purchasing a gift for N who will be giving birth to a baby boy soon. We all went through hours of decision making to find a gift for her. We chose a bassinet from her registry and had it shipped to her.

Today we received an email from N telling us she was in tears because of our thoughtful gesture. As I was reading N's message I began to cry because although I would have never thought twice about doing something for N, in the grand scheme of things it is really amazing to feel so much love in your heart for others. I know that N would have loved us the same had we not purchased a gift for her and that is exactly why we ourselves love N. She is an amazing woman and she is an amazing mother.

So N, this post is dedicated to you sweetheart. Because I know that no matter what I am going through you will always be there. Because your words of encouragement has always touched my heart. Because even though you are miles away and I have never seen you face to face I know that you are a true friend for life. Thank you for blessing my life! I love you girl....

A Me Day

I thought I would use this post as a me post. I usually don't complain about much and so I will continue to keep with that tradition and I won't complain about "much" today. I will complain about the fact that men are so hard to understand sometimes and I am still amazed at how a silly situation can put me in such a sour mood. I won't elaborate....just know that today is not a good day for me.

On a happier note I am so glad that the election went the way it did. I am pleased with the outcome and I pray that our president has a smooth four year term. I am also moved that so many people "rocked their vote" for this monumental occasion. Enough on that...

There is no real news on the babymaking front. I am currently waiting to ovulate and I am curious as to how this new product will work for Babe and I. I have heard many many great things about it and I figured it wouldn't hurt to try. That way at least "I feel like I am doing something". Mom has been saying that "it will happen" before the new year. Well we only have two shots before the new year rings in so I sure hope I don't disappoint her...No pressure! I am thrilled to be moving ahead, towards a purpose, though. Mom asked me if I felt hopeful this month and I wish I could have been in a position to say yes. I am not.

Even Babe is feeling discouraged about the process and I could tell by our brief conversation last night. It went something like this:

• (Babe) [Gives me a high five after Obama is announced as elected president] - November is a good month huh?
• (Me) - Yep, it sure is.
• (Babe) - This week Obama wins and next week a wedding [He meant our anniversary], we get the day off [because we got married on a holiday], and it's Thanksgiving.
• (Me) - [Smiles] ...and we are going to get pregnant this month!
• (Babe) - We are going to try. Hopefully it is in God's will.
• (Me) - We will get pregnant this month. This is our month...

*Please God let us get pregnant this month!

Am I weird because I stare?

I have recently noticed that in my completely obsessive "wish I were pregnant" state I have been staring at pregnant women. I mean it's bad enough that every 2 minutes I seem to become a magnet to "very" pregnant women but come on now...

I noticed today only because the poor girl caught me staring! But I am almost 100% sure that I have been exhibiting this weird behavior for a while now. I don't usually feel so bad when I am with Babe because he always notices them too and his weird behavior makes me feel somewhat less weird. However, I noticed today, that I stared at this girls belly in increments of time. It's not like I stare and stare and stare. No that wouldn't be me. I looked....looked again....looked again....looked again...and well, you get the picture. It's obsessive, so there!

Yeah, so as I reflect on my behavior I am wondering if I am completely obsessively weird or if I just really really want to be pregnant. You tell me....

I feel the need to be doing something

Babe and I had a conversation that went something like this

• (Me) - I am really frustrated by all of this
• (Babe) - I know. I wish we had some answers
• (Me) - I feel like I need to be doing something.
• (Babe) - "laughs" Our kids are going to have that honest. I feel the same way. I feel like we should be doing something. That is why I am so frustrated by Dr. F. I mean he never said anything. At least he could have scheduled an appointment for a couple of months from now or something.
• (Me) - Yeah, that frustrates me too. Why did I have to call Dr. M to get the answers that Dr. F should have been giving. That is ridiculous.
• (Babe) - I just feel like we should be doing something more. Even if Dr. F made an effort to discuss our results.
• (Me) - Well we are not going to worry about it. We will just take the meds and in January if we aren't pregnant then we will call Dr. F and demand another analysis. If he won't hear us then we will skip the middle man and call Dr. M and request one. They have to do it anyway so someone will tell us something.
• (Babe) - Yeah, your right.

I will now elaborate on why Babe and I had this conversation. Mainly we are just frustrated with Dr. F who is his doctor because we had some paperwork faxed to him from Dr. M who is my doctor. Dr. F's office called Babe and told him that they needed to speak with him. Well Babe tries to return the call for a week. Dr. F's office is never available for us because they either close early or open late. Babe finally gets ahold of them and when he calls them back they simply say, "We got your paperwork and we were just following up to make sure you are taking your meds".

Babe and I are not happy with the level of service. We felt that we should have gotten something more than "Are you taking your meds?" Of course we are, that is why we came to you in the first place. Babe and I would definitely like to switch to Dr. H but I don't know if that is possible. We are just so outdone right now....

Communication leads to a breakthrough

Last night Babe and I decided to walk around our complex since the weather was soooo nice. It was great therapy since I usually experience depression once the time falls back and it begins to get dark sooner. I still have yet to figure that one out...but mom says it is something about the sun and melatonin. Anyway, I am glad we took the time out to do that because it was the best "bonding" that Babe and I have had in a long time.

I found out a lot of things about Babe last night. I discovered that he really wants children, maybe even more than myself. I found out that he is also frustrated that we are not making any headway with the doctor. I found out that we are very much alike and that we probably need to talk to each other more becuase if we did we would feel a lot less alone in this thing. I discovered that my sweet husband is in the EXACT same spot as I am as this (in)fertility thing is concerned. That was quite a shock for me!

I felt a lot better talking to Babe last night in the cool breeze under the night stars. I felt better knowing that I do have a shoulder to lean on. Knowing Babe will be there to hold me when I see yet another pregnant woman or when we hear that another one of our friends are pregnant. For the first time I feel like Babe and I are on the same road to parenting!