Still Waiting...

That's all I have to say about that. Testing will commence in two days unless something else happens otherwise.

Quick Update

As of today I am still free from my "monthly gift". Tomorrow is the last day before I test. If I miss tomorrow, I know that something is up. Either I am knocked up or I have those god forsaken cysts again and we are going through a repeat of 2007. (Roll Eyes)

I had a 34 day cycle last month which was atypical and I thought I may have been preggo. I have had a 28 day cycle for the past year and all of a sudden it is all screwed up. I am thinking I may have O'd late but I know if I do not get AF tomorrow something is definitely up. Tomorrow will make CD36....

Do you know what sucks about not using OPK's

...when you miss AF you don't know if it is because you are pregnant or if you just ovulated later than usual. CRAP! I guess I need to buy some pregnancy tests, huh?

I touched her belly...

And felt her baby move. It was the most amazing experience EVER!!! On the other hand, it was just another sad reminder of what isn't in my life. After it happened, I almost cried. The feeling was so overwhelming and amazing and depressing all at the same time. I don't know what is in our future. I don't know if I will ever get the opportunity to experience what she is experiencing right now. It is that feeling that I would always long for...

I'll take IVF for...how much Alex?

Recently I have been so consumed with work and more work that I haven't even had time to focus on the fact that Babe and I are STILL not pregnant nor will we be pregnant anytime soon. Yes I know that statement was rather bleak and grim but the truth hurts.


There is however some hope and it all started out with my FIL suggesting that we try the whole "IVF Vacation" deal. I must admit, it did sound like a pretty sweet deal. Babe and I were thinking either Barbados or Mexico. And so...my new hobby became researching hundreds of medical travel companies. We were pretty set and next year we were planning to head to Mexico.


But everyone knows how the internet works. You start out with one thing and it just sucks you in. This was however, one time which I didn't mind being sucked in. After more research I discovered the Mini IVF or Mini Stim. The Mini Stim is where they use Clomid and a small amount of injectible meds to stimulate the ovaries. The point is to only get enough eggs for a fresh transfer. So, two or three max. I felt this was good for me because I stim very well on clomid so I shouldn't have any issues there

And best of all....It's only $5900 plus a few hundred for meds. The reason it is cheaper than traditional IVF is because you are not using nearly as much medicine therefore you save thousands. We will be having a consult with the clinic either over Christmas break or Spring break. I anticipate having the funds by June at the latest.

Needless to say Babe and I ARE.SO.FREAKING.EXCITED!!!!

Who is that knocking on my chamber door?

Oh look...it's lovely AF. She is like that bad relative that always invites themselves to your house and never wants to leave. Uggh so annoying! So as a recap...

• No, using the OPK's didn't work for us this time
• No, using the Soy Iso hasn't worked for us in the past three months
• No, laying on my back and actually falling asleep after BD didn't work for us this time
• No, squeezing my va jay jay muscles together all night to keep it in didn't work for us this time
• Heck No, trying to get pregnant by any method hasn't worked for us in the past year.

YIKES! It scares the C-R-A-P outta me knowing that we have been "not preventing" since 2007 and "actively trying" since 2008. I tell you what though, this au natural thing isn't really working for me. Time to move on and try the Clomid again. Maybe it will work for us both this time. We have also been seriously considering doing one more IUI. Who knows...third time might just be a charm.

In other news: The diaper cake business is coming along...thanks to my friend Jess. You are the bomb girlfriend! I have several requests for the upcoming months and I know that will bring me more requests...I need some business cards, LOL!

In teaching news: My first set of classes are hectic! Mostly because it is a lot of work but also because I don't really know a whole lot about the subject matter. Yes, it is weird that I am teaching a class for which I know nothing about the content. But hey, I have a MBA and I'm smart so I guess they saw something in me. Hopefully, I will be offered a PT postition.

New Home Based Business

......Diaper Cakes!!! So if you know anyone who is preggo then think of me. I have a new blog dedicated to it so take a look at my very first cake. I think it is pretty good for a first attempt.

Check it out: http://pampermecakes.blogspot.com

Survey Says....

Negative. So that means my surge is done and I am probably O'ing or already O'd. My CM has already started to dry up which is usually my main indicator that I have O'd. So with that being said...

Excuse me while I go make a baby!

Positively Positive

My IRL friend "D" and I decided that we would purchase the CBE Digital OPK's this month. It was a very ironic situation that happened to us which leads me to feel that we are both going to get our BFP's this month. So the story goes...

Last month D and I had our cycles almost a week apart. So we searched on the internet for the best price for the CBED because let's face it...Drugstores are a ripoff. D found her's for around 24 bucks and mine was around 18 bucks. Her OPK's arrived on Saturday and she took the first one which was...positive.

So naturally, because I have been doing this whole baby making thing for a year now I figured I had my cycle down pat. I watch my CM, wait for O pains, and time intercourse just so. I don't really need the OPK's but since Babe saw the commercial on TV then I got them. My OPK's arrived on Monday and just out of sheer curiousity, I decided to take one. Imagine my utter shock when the test came back...

So I popped the strip out and evaluated the lines. Humm close but I would not have judged that as a positive if it were just a regular line test. So I texted Babe and told him we have the green light. Today, I decided I would test again just to see if it was a fluke or something. After all I always ovulate on the 15th day of my cycle right....

WRONG AGAIN....The test at 2pm today showed another

And once again I wanted to see what the lines read. It was a definite positive! Here is the progression of the test from yesterday and today @ CD11 and CD12.

So what do I make out of all of this? Well it is simple really...I may or may not have been timing my BD sessions right. When you do something so much sometimes you get complacent. Well, I should have been using these smiley face kits all along because I am convinced that it may be just one part of the reason we haven't become pregnant yet. I suspect the soy iso has something to do with this early ovulation!

An Award...For Me?

Wow! I am floored! Thank You a million and one times to Jess (http://www.babyparamore.blogspot.com/) who gave me this wonderful award. I can't honestly say that I thought my blog would inspire anyone nor did I realize that anyone was really reading it. It is nice to know that someone cares. Again, Thanks!

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging

2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"

3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

7 Blogs that are interesting and engaging...

1. Jenn: http://www.jennepper.com/
2. Wifezzilla: http://wifezzilla.blogspot.com/
3. JackieMac: http://whenohwhenwillitbe.blogspot.com/
4. PJ: http://infertilityonthebrain.blogspot.com/
5. Murgdan: http://murgdan.blogspot.com/
6. Megan: http://bottomsoffandonthetable.blogspot.com/
7. Lindsay: http://itisntthateasy.blogspot.com/

10 honest things about ME

1. I am really very self conscious. I know that I am a beautie but for some reason I can't stand to look at myself most times.
2. I love to cook...so passionately so that I will open up a restaurant one day.
3. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life even though I pretend that I haven't.
4. I often feel that my IF is caused by my mistakes and that I am being punished.
5. I want to experience the joys of pregnancy so much so that I often ball clothes up and make myself a mock belly. I know it isn't normal but I don't give a shit.
6. I love attention!
7. I am a giver. I give to others more than I should and I often neglect my well being because of this.
8. I don't like people who pass judgement on others due to their beliefs. It really irritates me!
9. I have a jealous nature.
10. IF has brought me to this low place that I NEVER thought I would see. It has also made me stronger.

My Saturday

Today I have done nothing but purchase baby items for my co worker "E" and watch "A Baby Story" all day. I know it seems weird but, it is the only thing I have right now. I have been in "Baby Mode" for the whole week. Probably because I am close to O'ing. In any event...I really need to try not to go overboard with the money spending. I did it when my SIL became preggo and now that I know what "E" is having, I just bought a whole bunch of blue stuff for her shower.

I also wanted to send a formal Thanks to Jess, who began following my blog faithfully a few months ago. Thank you for your support and I am so sorry about your loss.

Babe and I had an interesting conversation today. It went like this..

Babe: Do we have any fertility pills left. (Referring to Clomid)
Me: No but the Rx is still fillable at Walgreens.
Me: Why? Do you want me to take them?
Babe: Yeah, can you?
Me: I could....but I shouldn't without monitoring. We would end up with quads!
Babe: (shrugs) Well at least we could have them all at once and be done.

Disclaimer: I would like to let you all know that I would NEVER consider doing this. But I did think about it...deeply... for a brief moment.

In other non baby related news: I will begin teaching my first two online classes in 2 weeks. I can't believe it. I am excited and a bit nervous now because a lot of time has lapsed since the training and the classes. I am sure I will do fine.

Why I Love My Husband

Let me start off by saying that Babe and I haven't always seen eye to eye on things. We both have family and career on two very different levels of importance. But recently, Babe has become more aware of how IF sucks and the difficulty that I face on a daily basis.

We had already been discussing the sheer gall of people nowadays. How many times does one person have to ask about us having babies. Sometimes, I think it is funny to them to watch us squirm as we try to diplomatically answer their questions. Other times, I think that they know we are having trouble and they just want us to confirm so that the gossip train can start.

Recently, Babe and I were at the gas station and ran into someone who I knew would ask about our babymaking efforts. I can spot them a mile away, really I can, and this one had it written all over her face. I put on a fake smile and greeted her as Babe continued to pump gas. No sooner than the hug was exchanged it happened...

Her: So whats going on with the babies?
Me: Huh?
Her: Why is it taking so long? It's been forever. What's going on with you guys? When are you going to have a baby?
Me: (Deer in Headlights Look)
Babe: Well, we are just having fun right now.
Her: (Slightly uncomfortable with the visual I'm sure) Oh okay well do your thing then. I was just thinking that it is taking a long time.
Babe: Yeah we are really enjoying the practice.
Me: (Still staring with that DIH look)..Chuckle.
Babe: Diverts the conversation elsewhere.

Phew...I told Babe that I was very grateful that he saved me because I almost died there. He agreed and said that he noticed I was stuck and in distress so he decided to jump in. If I never appreciated my husbands quick witt, I surely did this day. Thanks Babe...that was a close one!

In other news: I am doing one more cycle of Soy before I break. There is no real way to tell if it is helping or not since my issue was mainly discovered by ultrasound. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am one of those women who do ovulate regularly and AF arrives right on time but I don't ever know if the ovulation is strong enough for a pregnancy. Since this is the month that marks our first year of ttc after the official diagnosis, I will be using OPK's along with the soy. If no BFP this month, I will gingerly bring up another IUI to Babe. I feel like it's time.

Rounding the Year Mark and Still No Baby

Since my last post I have gone MIA. I have been around, but things got too stressful with the IUI's and BFN's and all that jazz in between. Babe and I decided to take a mental break from it all. We are now trying things the natural way and although there hasn't been much success, it is a little less stressful on our relationship.

Since my last post I have also:

• Had a SIL who gave birth to a baby girl


• Found out that Babe's cousin was pregnant


• Found out that a co worker is pregnant


• Found out that said co worker's SIL is pregnant with #2


• Found out that an internet friend is pregnant with #2


• Endured Mother's Day


• Endured Father's Day


• Endured at least 20 people asking me on 20 different occasions when we were going to have kids.

I am proud to announce that I am still here and stronger than before. But who am I kidding really? Everyone knows that infertility breaks a persons spirit. I am okay with that but it is a hard pill to swallow to see Babe's spirit broken. He is my stregnth and my protector. But recently, he has been clearly expressive about the "unfairness" of it all. I do believe he is finally "getting it". Unfortunately, "getting it" doesn't get us a baby.

Next month will be another year for us. It will probably be the hardest month to see a BFN. We both had a reflection today. How is it possible that there are millions of women out there who don't want children and yet keep having them so easily while millions of women who do want children can't have them at all? Babies being born to teens who are just babies themselves. Babies being born to drug addicts. But, yet women who have good jobs and are financially stable, highly educated, warm loving hearts, suffer with the curse of infertility? Life is royally screwed!

Oh and Have a Happy Fourth of July!

It's not like we really had a chance anyway...so why am I so pissed?

I will tell you why. Because last night I felt the strongest O pains in my life (other than when I am on Clomid) and Babe decided that he was too tired and that his neck hurt too bad to BD. WTH? So I did the only thing there was left to do...said "fine" and went to bed.

I don't know why I am so pissed anyway. It's not like we were really going to get pregnant this time. I guess that little four letter word called "hope" crept into my life while I was busy doing other things. Sometimes I hate that word. I feel like my life is better without it...well when it relates to babymakin' and such.

Of course my EWCM is drying up so I know that I did O already and everytime I think about it I just get so upset. Just for the simple fact that we didn't try when we could have. And for the fact that yet another month passes me by and I am STILL.NOT.PREGNANT! When will this madness end already?

I really wish God would just have mercy on me with this one. I really don't ask for much and I don't think that asking for a family is wrong or out of his will. I just don't know anymore. I am so tired of this struggle and I long for the day when it is over. I'm angry and hurt and just plain sad.

Spotting and Such...

I started spotting last night which is not good at this point in the game. I wish I could stay positive and give you all good news. I wish this could have been a post about how I POAS and saw two beautiful lines..but it is not.

I did POAS yesterday and there was obviously...only one line. Proceed with spotting yields AF's arrival. I am beyond myself as to why after a perfect cycle did I not get the desired results. Three eggs and 8 million sperm placed right at their doorstep and still..nothing.

I don't know where we will go from here. We have one more attempt before the doctor will say no more IUI's. I can't believe we have already done two. I have mixed feelings mostly desperation because of the fact that we may be in that rare percent that doesn't benefit from an IUI. God where will we go when we have no money for IVF.

I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. More detail tomorrow after I take my final HPT. Prayers are requested!

The Results Are In

My progesterone level was at 26.9 which is good considering I had 3 mature eggs. Now we wait....

And just for kicks my symptoms so far:

• Major activity in my lower abdomen including dull cramps,twinges, pricks, heaviness, and just overall weirdness.
• Sore breasts including the nipples
• Constipation
• Increased thirst

Bleeding, Bedrest, and BETA's

IUI's are complete. I am still thinking back to my first IUI. When I was so excited and carefree. When the RE did the procedure himself and all I got was a little bit of spotting. These two IUI's were completely different. They sort of made me not want to do them again. Maybe I am just a wuss...yeah that is probably it!

IUI#1 was done by the IVF coordinator. She is very impersonable to begin with and I have never been fond of her. First of all, a speculum is not enjoyable no matter how gentle you try to be. Imagine my surprise when the IVF coordinator rammed it up my va jay jay. OUCH! At least the cathether went in smoothly...semi smoothly. Needless to say I had some bleeding afterwards which I wasn't happy about. And Babe's count was only 4 million post wash. *Sigh*

IUI #2 was done by the NP who I love very dearly. I was praying that I would get her or the RE because I just knew she would be gentle. And she was...at least until she decided to inject the specimen so forcefully that my uterus actually cramped up. Yes you heard me correctly. Again I had some bleeding afterwards and quite a bit more than the first time. I didn't expect to get too much cramping so when I couldn't stand up b/c of the immense pressure in my lower abdomen I really freaked out. I went home, took two tylenol, and put myself on strict bedrest! Today I feel much better.

Babe's count was 4 million post wash this time too. At least it didn't decrease, right? *Double sigh* The only hope I have right now is coming from all my internet friends and the RE's office. The NP actually said that between the two days the numbers were enough to produce a pregnancy and especially since I had three ripe eggs. She was very confident that I would get pregnant this time which was a nice change from the last time. My internet friends are so good with the encouragement and as they so dutifully remind me..."It only takes one".

On another note: My BETA is scheduled for Friday 4/10 which is conveniently the same day that AF is due. This is also Good Friday which may be a good sign. Babe and I are planning a weekend getaway so I am already preparing myself for the worst. I will be getting drunk if nothing else.

Even better than before!

Good Morning friends,

Let me just say that I am so proud of my scholarly ovaries. As if 2 mature follicles weren't enough last time...yes friends the ovaries have done it again. I have 3 mature follicles this go round. Two are measuring at 19 and one at 21. This has got to be it!

I was like a proud mama this morning as the IVF coordinator told me my scan was beautiful. Lining is good and I have some nice plump eggs. We are anticipating that my estrogen level will be just as nice and hopefully my progesterone will be better than the last time. I felt like walking out of there with my chest stuck out and I did!

The doctor came in personally to talk to me about the risk of multiples. I almost chuckled in his face because hello..I would be happy to get how many ever God chooses me to house in my warm cozy uterus. But I held it back and just politely said, "Yes, we are fine with those risks and we do want to proceed".

Just for kicks...I have a 5% chance for triplets, 10% chance for twins, and 20% chance for a singleton. I would be ecstatic with just one but I don't really care if it is more at this point. Also they mentioned that my progesterone last time was a bit borderline considering I had two eggs last time. I'm sure it will be much better this time.

So my IUI is scheduled for tomorrow at 10 and Friday at 10. Pray for me and Babe!

Fed Up with Fed Ex

Fed Ex can kiss it! I am so ticked off with them right now...they are unbelievable. I verified my HCG order on Saturday and they shipped it out on Sunday to arrive today. The lovely fertility pharmacy...most of you know which company I am speaking of...are always so nice and they specifically placed attn:leasing office so I wouldn't have any trouble.

Well I told my supervisor I needed to leave 30 minutes early so I could get my package. I called the leasing office and they said that the package hadn't arrived. I thought it was weird but I just figured it would come tomorrow. Well I called Babe as I usually do and he said I missed my package delivery.

So I call Fed Ex and Mr. Rudepants proceeds to tell me that he couldn't deliver the package to the office because it has to be signed specifically by me or "someone" in #106. O.....K..... So I tried to tell him that this wasn't the first time I had gotten this specific package from this specific company but the jerk cuts me off and says that "THIS" package can't be delivered from the front office. So I am royally pissed by now..I am steaming and slightly borderline panicked.

Well I tell him that I am going to call the company and have them handle it. Well I called and boy were they pissed. The lady said that it was the first time they have ever done that and that she was going to get a manager on the phone if they give her any guff. Well she said that she would only call back if she had trouble and I didn't get a call back so....

We will see what happens tomorrow.

Countdown to follie check

In case you haven't noticed...there is this cute little widget on the sidebar of my blog page that is counting down the days to my follie check. I am consumed with several different emotions right now. Scared, Excited, Nervous, Anxious...and the list goes on and on. I can't help but replay my last treatment cycle in the back of my mind. Over and over...like that movie Groundhog Day. Also, I am trying to keep from adding too much pressure on Babe with the whole "Take your effing Clomid gosh dang it because hell if I can remember Clomid, 1 baby asprin, 1 folic acid pill, and 1 prenatal, then surely you can remember to take a measley 1/2 a pill a day...geeze"

So I took the pills out of the blister pack and even cut them in 1/2 for him while lovingly mentioning that they were on the counter...pre cut. I am a bit frustrated by this but I know he is under loads of pressure right now from other life events so I am really, really trying to behave and not go on a rampage about him forgetting his meds. Really...am I being that unreasonable? It's....1/2 of a pill!!!! Anyway...I am off my soap box now.

In other news...I really tried not to let anyone at work know about the upcoming treatment cycle but somehow everyone seemed to have figured it out. But then again I guess it isn't that hard when I had to put in for three days in a freakin' row. I just hate the pressure of having to tell everyone after the TWW is up of the results. I do feel better prepared for whatever results we will get after this treatment cycle. I just can't wait to get these IUI's on the road.

Moving on and moving up

Excuse me while I bore you with the details from the doctor's appointment today. I'm not complaining because I always like to keep my ultrasound dates as short as possible but I did want to make mention of how ridiculous IF is.

1. Said girl drives an hour to RE.
2. Said girl waits in waiting room for 5 minutes.
3. Said girl has her date with the ultrasound wand (for a total of 4 minutes)
4. Said girl receives Clomid prescription, HCG paperwork, and next appointment.
5. Said girl shells out $300.00 for a 30 minute appointment.
6. Said girl drives an hour back home and wonders when it will ever get easier and more convenient for her since she is the one suffering with IF.

So as you can see, the appointment was pretty boring and routine. I have just been thinking about how fast a treatment cycle flies and how slow a natural cycle crawls. I can't believe I will be going back on next Wednesday for my mid cycle scan and possibly be inseminated Thursday and Friday of...gulp...Next Week!

In other news...Clomid seems to be taking effect much faster as I am already breaking out in a sweat while typing this update. I only took my first pill today..geeze! Well I will have more for you next week and hopefully I won't have the luxury of blogging about my s/e of this devil drug.

Envy is not cute.

Envy is not a quality that I tend to exhibit. But today I am releasing my inhibitions. Why you ask? Well apparently I have what is called pregnancy envy. Well that isn't something that should shock any of you all because hey..we are dealing with infertility here. But what is even more sad is that not only do I have pregnancy envy but I also have bump envy.

Yes you heard me...double envy. I am ashamed. If anyone is curious about the difference read this article.

I am expriencing the beginning of AF. She is so freakin' aggravating. Why won't she just leave me alone? On top of this...I learned last night that the whole TTC and infertility thing is affecting my marriage negatively. And of course because I am a magnet towards ironic situations I also learned today that two more girls on one of my boards are pregnant. I am happy for them but so so sad for myself. Sad because I still don't know what it feels like to see two lines. Sad because I have never had the experience of surprising my husband and watching his face light up and his chest stick out. Sad because our relationship is suffering and we have so much love for each other...why can't we have a baby to share all that love with? Sad because I don't think that anyone in this world can understand what I am feeling except for those who unfortunately are also in my shoes.

And in other news...

Today I cried. I usually cry when something upsets me or when I have a fight with my husband or when I realize that I have just gone through yet another failed cycle. But today I didn't cry for any of these reasons...no I cried because of someone else's happiness. I cried because I found out someone was pregnant. This....has never happened before. I can usually smile it off or ernestly be happy for them....not today. This....is how I know that it may be time to re evaluate things. It may be time to take a break.

Slacker

I know I have not been posting to my blog but the truth is that I haven't really had anything interesting to say. I have however had so many people asking me to update my blog which was surprising because hey...I didn't know you cared so much!

I am in a transitional phase right now. We took the month off from treatments because 1) Babe wanted to and 2) Because my mental state really needed a vacation. So obviously I am not all that excited about the outcome of this month but I have had several symptoms that threw me off for a bit. I'm back now.

Since I have no clue when I actually ovulated..yes I know that is probably shocking for most of you all to believe since I am the ovulation expert, I have no clue when I will be getting AF. I am assuming that by the EWCM and pinches I probably O'd sometime around the 25th of February. And yes, that was waaaaay early for me. And by that assumption I can only deduce that I will get AF on Wednesday. I will say that I am secretly hoping she lost her directions.

The good news is that if she does find her way to my house then I will be preparing to enter another month of fun fertility treatments...Yay. Hopefully the second time will be the ticket. I'll keep everyone posted.

Left Behind

It's funny what infertility can do to a person. After I was Punk'd last night I began thinking about how I feel like I am being Left Behind...and not in the religious sense although I am sure I need some help in that department too. I remember joining a board a while back and the 6 of us became good friends. So good in fact that we ditched the board and started emailing each other every day. As I reflected back on those days I realized that 4 of them have become pregnant, 2 of those 4 have given birth. Not that I am not happy for them, especially B who so wrongly was denied the joy of her first pregnancy. But I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

I am also in a group of women who are undergoing IUI and IVF cycles. 3 of them, already pregnant within the first month of us getting to know each other. 2 of those 3, it was their first cycle. I am happy for them but, I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

Babe and I have friends who are newly married and most of who did no planning to have a baby. Most of them have become pregnant, some of them pregnant with their second. Some of them it was a shock, some of them weren't even happy about it. I am happy for them but, I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

It's like being back in High School. Every popular girl belongs to "that club". A club I so desprately wanted to be a part of. And yet almost 10 years later I am dreading going to my class reunion because I don't want to be that unpopular girl again. The one who has friends that can intermingle with the in crowd and leaves me, behind. I want to be a part of that club, the one where conversations consist of changing diapers and breastfeeding, labor stories, and pregnancy symptoms. And yet here I am in the background, once again...left behind.

I found this article and I wanted to include it in my blog entry because it was so fitting. In order to do this properly I know I needed to acknowledge the author. So thanks to Sharon van Wyke for your article on LBS. It really hit home and helped me to realize that I am not left behind...alone.

http://www.exhalezine.com/january_2009/leftbehindsyndrome.html

How's this for Irony?

Have any of you looked in the dictionary lately under the word irony? Yeah...tell me was my picture there? No...seriously was my picture there? I'll bet you it was because apparently my life it the epitomy of irony. Today was the motherload of all ironic situations. I.AM.SPEECHLESS.

For you see today I had decided that it was time to let out all my bottled up frustrations. Frustrations from this past failed cycle, from my DH's low numbers, from the Jesus conversation with my mother last night, from a surprising comment that we need to relax from my dad, from my DH making me move our appointment yet again...just from everything. And just when I thought that it could not possibly get any worse.

As I am on my way home in tears I tell God that I am just one step away..just one more "surprise we're pregant" person away from loosing it. And I stop by the mailbox and pull out the mail and walk in to my DH on the phone. He hugs me and the tears are just streaming down my face. And I'm just so close to just loosing it...just having a pure mental breakdown. And he hangs up and says "You will never guess..." And I already know what's coming. So I said, "Go ahead and tell me...it can't get any worse than it already is" And I don't know if it is because I deserve to be tortured or if it is because I am a bad person or that maybe somehow Karma if there is such a thing found me but God Almighty you have got to be kidding me!

DH tells me his friend CF and his wife just found out they are preganant. And all I can say is Holy Mary Mother Freaking WOW! Please someone tell me...Am I being punked? No seriously...Ashton Kutcher better come running out of my bedroom right now because this crap is NOT funny. This is the worst most cruel twist of nature I have ever experienced. And oh no it doesn't stop there...because my life is so funny, I open the package I got in the mail and Surprise! My Pregnancy Tests that I ordered to test for Valentines Day arrived...today...5 days late...in the middle of one of the worst days yet. I feel so special...

And because my wonderful husband wanted to add fuel to the fire he says "we just need to have more sex". Sure honey...let's try that! Because God it's not like we have been trying that for all these months. Are you kidding me?

Baby or Bust!

Unfortunately this cycle was a Bust! A failure! A complete and utter disaster! Ok that last one was a bit much but you do get my drift. I had all day cramping on Thursday which lead to spotting on Friday. I was so down and Babe was so speechless. I think he almost cried but he'd kill me if he knew I said that. Nature decided to bring me my monthly gift right on time but not without a little taunting first. You see the spotting mocked IB and was non existant on Saturday which led me to believe that maybe I was pregnant after all. But alas, as a cruel twist of nature AF arrived promptly on Sunday afternoon....witch!

So many people have asked me how I am doing and if I am okay...I feel special, I really do. The support has been tremendous. Thank You everyone. We have not decided if we will use this cycle to recoup or if we will jump right back into treatment. I am opting for the latter but Babe is fighting strong for the break. I think it was just too much for him to handle.

We have an appointment with the RE on Wednesday so I will most likely update everyone then. If we do choose to proceed then I will have my CD3 u/s done Wednesday and begin Clomid that day as well. I think I feel the need to press on and set my sights on the prize in order to keep my mind off of the disappointment of this past cycle. It's hard and it hurts but...I am strong. I know we can do this with the proper support.

Two down, Two Week Wait to Go!

The second IUI was successfully completed this morning at 10:30. Unfortunately, Babe's count was even lower today at 1 million post wash. *SIGH* this is really getting frustrating. The RE was very concerned about our success for this cycle and mentioned discussing "other" options if the cycle fails. Read: I'm sorry guys IUI really isn't a good option for these counts..you may want to consider IVF. Geeze...just what we need, a more expensive procedure.

We definitely can't afford IVF so we are praying hard that God gives us a miracle. Otherwise, I guess it is back to trying au natural until something happens. So we are on to the two week wait. I don't know how I feel going into these next two weeks. I know I have to believe with all my heart that this procedure works. That is all I have to hold on to right now. I know if we get a negative then we can try again because we can always save but now the issue becomes more difficult because the doctor feels that IUI is no longer our best option. What else can I say...Infertility is very depressing.

Easy as 1-2-3

Yes I had my feet up in stirrups but it may have been the best "babymaking" sex I have ever had. Not really...but the IUI was quick and painless. Babe and I arrived at the clinic on Saturday morning at 9:30am. They checked us in, told us to get some breakfast, and be back in an hour. We did what they said.

An hour later we were back and before I could blink, I was naked from the waist down with my feet in stirrups and the doctor between my legs. At least he was cordial and I thought about having a smoke afterwards. The IUI was nothing more than a pap. I didn't feel the cathedar going in nor did I feel the introduction of the semen into my uterus. It went off without a hitch!

There were however some downfalls. First, Babe's count was way low at 2 million post wash. The doctor was not happy about that. Second, I did have some cramping and spotting after the procedure. Third, we had to do it all over again the next day and pray for better counts...To be continued!

If you look in the dictionary....

...under the word wimp, there you shall find my picture. Let me preface this story by saying that I DID have a video for you but with the excitement of mixing the HCG, icing my butt, and receiving my injection I just couldn't pull it off. There was way too much going on! So I will try to break the experience up into parts so that you can in fact get the full effect of what happened last night.

HCG Trigger ~ Part 1 with Pictures

At 9:00pm after several of my friends promised me that it would be okay, I told the hubby that I was going to mix the injection. We had gone back and forth because for some reason he wanted to mix. Well I told him if he wanted to narrate the video then go ahead and mix...not surprisingly he declined. So I began to film with the ice pack shoved in my shorts and my anxiety running high. Immediately I began having issues with the medication. The stupid suction was pulling the plunger up past the 1cc line and I couldn't get it right, so I stopped the video and called the hubby to help. Finally I got it and started the video again. Then I injected the biostatic water into the HCG powder and began drawing the medication into the syringe. I began having problems...again. So I stopped the video and Babe and I worked together to get the meds into the syringe. I switched the needle to the 25 gauge and then decided that this video was not going to happen! Instead...I have included some pictures of the mixing and preparing the needle.

1 cc of Biostatic solution

Injecting 1cc solution into powder HCG

Drawing 1 cc mixed HCG solution

HCG Trigger ~ Part 2

I handed Babe the alcohol swab and the needle and went to lay on the bed. He wiped the area and let it dry. That's when it happened. I had a complete panic attack! I began crying and I couldn't breathe. I told him I couldn't do it and I felt that I needed to re ice the area. He was pretty frustrated but let me have my moment...such a good husband babe is! I went and re iced the same area and prayed to God to take my anxiety away. Then I was ready!

HCG Trigger ~ Part 3

I decided to sit on the couch and put all my weight to one side so that Babe could inject the other side. He re wiped the area and let it dry. I went to look back because anyone who knows me knows that I like to see my pain coming. Well by the time I flinched to turn he had already pushed the needle in. I didn't feel anythng! Not a pinch, not a poke, nothing. I thought he didn't do it right because it was so painless but I asked if he had it all the way in and he said yes. After he gave me a smile and a wink and needless to say we were both pretty impressed with his shot giving skills.

Conclusion

I don't know why I always worry about things. Mostly when I anticipate the worse then it is NEVER as bad as I think. *Sigh* All that worry for nothing. And because I am a wimp we ended up not giving the injection until 9:45pm.

We're going to have twins!!!! - Vlog #2

Today begins my first day of positive thinking. Just to set the record straight...I don't know that we are going to have twins but I believe that we may be close. The RE appointment went well. The bloodwork was absolutely painless and the ultrasound yielded good news. I do explain this on the video but I had three measurable follies on my left. Two at 13mm and one at 14mm. On the right I had two measurable and mature follies. One at 17 and one at 18. Those are my twins! There is more so watch and enjoy...

Fear Will Cripple You....If You Let It!

I have been having a problem recently with fear. I talked to my mom about it and she was helpful but the fear keeps creeping up on me...so characteristic of fear, huh? So I decided to do a dump post to divulge all of my fears to my loyal readers. Most of this may seem stupid but hey...fear has no respect, so here goes.

1. Guns and being shot by a bullet.
2. Fire and being burned alive.
3. All Bugs
4. Being in a car accident.
5. Death and dead people.
6. Ghosts and the fact that they do exist.
7. Staying at home alone during the night.
8. Being raped.
9. Being pulled over by the police.
10. Brain Aneurysms.
11. Life without my husband.
12. Needles
13. Infertility...

And recently my infertility status has made me more fearful than ever. Here are my random infertility fears. I fear....

1. That big azz needle that ironically will be going into that big azz of mine.
2. That the Clomid didn't work.
3. That the Clomid worked too well.
4. That Babe's sperm count will be too low post wash.
5. That I will have way too many mature follicles.
6. That they will cancel the cycle right there while I am on the table.
7. That the procedure won't work.
8. That I will get a BFN at the end of my tww.
9. That I will get "the call" at work telling me the procedure didn't take.
10. That Babe will be disappointed.
11. That I will never be a mother.

But despite all of these fears, I know I have to believe and stay hopeful. The reality is that this fear consumes me, it cripples me beyond recognition. I am afraid of all the things that can go wrong to the point where I have convinced myself that they will go wrong. Fear will cripple you...if you let it. So, all I can do is not succomb to this fear. I know that God is faithful and as my mom told me last night...

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".

And with that, I am going to look fear in the face, throw away my crutches, and tell fear to kiss my big ol' azz!

This is my life for the next 12 days - Vlog #1

Is is just me or does this look like a whole lot of meds? Now for my IVF'ers please don't shoot me! I know that it could be a lot worse but you have to admit...for an IUI cycle, this is a whole lotta stuff!



Now I know that everyone has been waiting and waiting for updates and I promised I would do it big didn't I? So for your viewing pleasure here is my very first Vlog...enjoy!

BTW: Make sure you have time because it is about 10 minutes full of pure rambling! Oh and don't laugh...it's my first one. It will get better...promise!

I know I promised but....

The vlog was so darn long that my computer just wouldn't download it. I sat in front of the screen for hours and nothing...just loading...and loading...and loading...and...well you get the point. So I hope all of you that are dying with anticipation will forgive me. I really tried but it just wasn't meant to be, tonight at least.

So tomorrow while I am supposed to be working I will attempt to download the video again. For you see at work...I have wireless network connection and that my friends is the best kind! Well I am off to take my Clomid and eat a chicken salad sammy. I will post tomorrow. Promise!

Slacker..

Is what I am....guilty as charged. I went to the RE today and I do have TONS of news to share with everyone but it's late and I have to work tomorrow. I promise to have a much better post tomorrow complete with pictures, possibly a video if I can get my sound to work, and maybe even shots of my meds package from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy!

Finally....We're getting somewhere!

Today is almost done and tomorrow is a new day...a new beginning. Tomorrow is the first day of my very first assisted cycle. I received my very first bit of cycle information early this morning as I settled down in my office. I always arrive to work a tad bit late and I always try to play "catch up" with my favorite person...C.F. While we were chatting my office line rings. The conversation goes:

Me: This is R
N: This is Dr. M's office calling to remind you about your 9:30am appointment tomorrow.
Me: Oh, okay Thanks.
N: Also, we ask that you not wear any scented lotions or purfume as you are entering an IVF cycle.
Me: (Thinking to myself..No I am entering an IUI cycle and why can't I wear my Vicky Secretions?)
Me: Okay..BTW did you have a chance to check my benefits?
N: I did...hold one moment...(Crappy V.O.I.P phone musak plays)..Yes I didn't call back because it looks like not much has changed. You are only covered for diagnostics.
Me: Well I was wondering about the ultrasounds and how much they would run...?
N: Are you entering a cycle?
Me: Yes...(An IVF cycle apparently)
N: Depending on how everything looks it will probably be between $107 and $190.
Me: Ooooh...o...kay.
N: Okay then sweetie see ya tomorrow!

All I am thinking is how can she be so excited to take my money. I am still holding onto hope that the RE office will code them exactly the same as all my other ultrasounds and they will be covered. I can assure you I will be yelling "Thanks God" if those baby's are covered! I am learning to be thankful for the small things in life.

So life is good. I will be in attendance tomorrow at 9:30am complete with ashy knees and ankles...Oh and foul B.O!

A letter to my dear Aunt Flo:

Curse you Aunt Flo! You are NOT a girls closest friend...in fact you are MY worst enemy! You cause me unbearable stomach pain and every time you arrive I find myself curled in a ball praying to God above that you do not kill me. You cause me to pop countless pills just to find some relief from your wrath. I do NOT love you for that. Oh how I wish you would just pass my house for the next 9 months and prey on some other unsuspecting soul. And although I would love to thank you for bearing me a monthly gift, I will most likely want to exchange that gift for a precious reflection of my husband and myself. You are quite the witch Aunt Flo and your visits are becoming more and more annoying. PLEASE stop bothering me!

Signed,

A Disgruntled Mommy Wanna Be.

Ramblings of a Subfertile

I know a lot of you were concerned about the argument that Babe and I had. Everything is fine. We worked it out just like we always do. Babe expressed to me that he felt like I was pointing fingers at him and I expressed to him that I feel like fingers are always being pointed at me..because I am subfertile. I told him I was so tired of everyone in his family looking at me like I was the cause of our curren non pregnant state and how they all look at me like I have the scarlet letter on my forehead.








I know he understands my motives. Sometimes they are good but the way they are portrayed seem all wrong. I know that his is sensitive right now about our issues and I didn't take that into consideration when we were discussing our plans for this cycle. Looking back I could have been a lot more understanding and a lot less rude. There were tears and lots of them but good things will come of this.

It is a lot of pressure on me right now trying to achieve pregnancy. It seems like I have tried it all. I know that this month will bring positive things but it is very hard dealing with everything emotionally. The study stream of YouTube videos keep me motivated and strong. I know this journey has only just begun and we have a long way to go yet. I just have to continue to pray for stregnth, guidance, and patience.

On the TTC front I have been spotting for a few days now. I took an HPT this morning and it was a blazing negative. I expected that of course but now it has become more of a ritual to POAS because it makes me feel safe taking Ibuprofen knowing for sure I am not pregnant. So now that we know for sure...pass me those pills!

There is nothing wrong with my boys!

Uggggh! I am so frustrated with Babe. Last night we were having a conversation about how long it's been since we had a drink. He mentioned purchasing some wine for the weekend. Well I thought it was a bad idea b/c A. Everyone knows drinking is not the best for fertility and B. We will be starting a new cycle soon and I don't want anything hindering our success.

Now I know that may be a little obsessive and over the top but I don't want to spend $1200 on a cycle and then look back and think "what if". You know what if I hadn't taken that drink? What if he hadn't taken that drink. I don't know if I mentioned this but my worst fear is being cancelled right there on the table b/c the counts aren't sufficient or b/c I overstimmed.

Well anyway, I mentioned about the drinking and he goes "there is nothing wrong with me" so for some reason that really bothered me and I go "what doctor were you talking to". So he gets all defensive and I try to explain to him that if there wasn't something wrong then we would be pregnant after all this time. He seems to feel like some people just aren't compatible reproductively. I agree...but it is called unexplained infertilty not PCOS and Male Factor.

I tried to explain to him that yes his numbers are good enough for the IUI but that doesn't really mean that everything is fine. He seems to feel that there is nothing wrong with his boys. Even after two visits with very low numbers. Don't get me wrong...his count is great but with a morph of only 6.7% and motility under 50% I feel that there is clearly an issue there. I just don't get it. So we are not speaking right now. I guess I just felt like we both understood that this was both of our issue and we were both going to do what it took to make things work. Well apparently I am the only one with the problem.

There is so much more to this story than I am saying but you get the picture. Maybe it is a male thing. I am just outdone!

My upcoming cycle and pricing

I know most of you will be wondering, "How the heck does this girl know what her cycle will be like"? Well short answer...I don't. But I am extreamly OC about this whole process so...bite me!
Let's take a look shall we?

1/19 ~ AF is Due
1/21 ~ RE appt. for U/S and Clomid ($290 + $9.00)
1/21 ~ Clomid
1/22 ~ Clomid
1/23 ~ Clomid
1/24 ~ Clomid
1/25 ~ Clomid
1/30 ~ Follie Scan, Bloodwork and Possible Trigger ($107 + $113 + $50)
2/1 ~ IUI#1 ($289)
2/2 ~ IUI#2 ($289)
2/8 ~ P4 Check ($70.00)
2/16 ~ BETA! ($30.00)

GRAND TOTAL $1,250*

So blogger world there ya have it. I can't wait!

*I must mention here that the total will probably be a whole lot less. The insurance will probably cover most of my ultrasounds and bloodwork but I don't know for sure so I just priced according to the RE statement.

A More Exciting TWW...And a Less Exciting Baby Shower!

So I am in the TWW once again. I am also very excited this TWW! Why you ask? Well let me tell ya. I am excited because although I probably won't be pregnant, I will be one step closer to becoming pregnant. Because I will probably have to deal with cramps, bloating, and sore boobs but the next time I have those symptoms I could possibly be pregnant. Because AF arriving will ultimately mean that we have failed yet another cycle, however we are still one cycle closer to our BFP!

On another note: My SIL's baby shower is scheduled for February. This is terrible because A. Ummm I will be undergoing fertility treatments and B. I will be undergoing fertility treatments. This whole thing screams mental breakdown. God I can just hear everyone at the shower going, "So when are you guys going to have a baby?", "Hey where is your bump?", "Oh I'm not having anymore it is their turn" and my all time number one favorite "Are you pregnant?" Oh yeah and then there is the gift opening in which a waterfall of "oooh's and aaaah's" will commence. SIL will waddle around looking all cute and preggo and I will be running around like a slave trying to avoid all akward situations at any cost.

Has any of my IF friends noticed recently that there has been an influx of babies and preggo women at every corner? I was at Golden Corral last night and we saw two new born babies and one pregnant woman who of course had to stop by our table because my MIL and FIL are so prominent in the community. SIGH.

So AF is due on MLK day..Woopie! At least we have the day off so I can sleep all day and not worry about cramps that just won't quit. I usually get AF while I am at work or on a day I have to go to work so...crap to that! This month God decided to give me a much needed break which I wholeheartly appreciate. Thanks God....

Happy 2 days after New Years!

Okay...I know I should have done this days ago so sue me! I have really be just relaxing and enjoying my time off.

Everyone talks about resolutions and such but I feel like I do that every year and never keep them...then again maybe that is all the fun of resolutions huh?

All I know is 2009 will be my year! Babe and I will be pregnant and we will give birth to our first child...THIS YEAR! Babe was so cute on New Year's. He mentioned as the evening came to a close that he himself had two resolutions. I was shocked because Babe has never been into the resoultion thing. But here he was..surprising me yet again.

He said to me that the only two things he wanted to do this New Year was get his Camaro running and getting me pregnant. So sweet! I would like that too.

Recently I have been labeling all of my baby items in the closet. I have boxes and boxes of baby items stashed away from when we first decided that we would "pull the goalie". Unfortunately, I didn't realize it would take us so darn long to become pregnant nor did I realize that we would be struggling with IF together. The good news is A. I now have space in my closet and B. I am fully prepared to have twins!

...Laughing Out Loud

No I'm Not Pregnant.. I'm Just Fat

Last night Babe and I had church. It's a tradition that we as Baptist have participated in all our lives. Generally we arrive at church around 9pm and the closing prayer is done at 12 midnight to bring in the new year. We also serve breakfast to everyone after the service is over. Last year I was roped into cooking the eggs which sucks because cooking eggs for a slew of people...well it just sucks.

So this year I resolved to not cook the eggs b/c well cooking eggs for a slew of people just sucks as I already mentioned. Especially when you have already slaved in the kitchen before church cooking 4 pounds of bacon. I did end up cooking the eggs by the way.

But on to more important things. As I am in the kitchen with my very pregnant SIL, Babe's cousin just blurts out, "Are you pregnant?". Now mind you I am completely taken aback by her question considering the fact that at Thanksgiving she asked me the same thing! So, my mind began to reel as to what whitty comment I would make but all I could muster was a "Girrrrl naw!" Now in a perfect world the conversation would have gone like this...

(She) - "Bekah, are you pregnant?"
(Me) - "Why, do I look pregnant?"
(She) - Studdering to find something to say with a dumb look on her face
(Me) - "No, I'm not pregnant...I'm just fat!"

So...there you have it. A nice start to my new year. Being asked for the gazillionth time if I am pregnant. Happy New Year to Me!