Envy is not a quality that I tend to exhibit. But today I am releasing my inhibitions. Why you ask? Well apparently I have what is called pregnancy envy. Well that isn't something that should shock any of you all because hey..we are dealing with infertility here. But what is even more sad is that not only do I have pregnancy envy but I also have bump envy.
Yes you heard me...double envy. I am ashamed. If anyone is curious about the difference read this article.
I am expriencing the beginning of AF. She is so freakin' aggravating. Why won't she just leave me alone? On top of this...I learned last night that the whole TTC and infertility thing is affecting my marriage negatively. And of course because I am a magnet towards ironic situations I also learned today that two more girls on one of my boards are pregnant. I am happy for them but so so sad for myself. Sad because I still don't know what it feels like to see two lines. Sad because I have never had the experience of surprising my husband and watching his face light up and his chest stick out. Sad because our relationship is suffering and we have so much love for each other...why can't we have a baby to share all that love with? Sad because I don't think that anyone in this world can understand what I am feeling except for those who unfortunately are also in my shoes.
And in other news...
Today I cried. I usually cry when something upsets me or when I have a fight with my husband or when I realize that I have just gone through yet another failed cycle. But today I didn't cry for any of these reasons...no I cried because of someone else's happiness. I cried because I found out someone was pregnant. This....has never happened before. I can usually smile it off or ernestly be happy for them....not today. This....is how I know that it may be time to re evaluate things. It may be time to take a break.
3 comments:
Im really sorry you're feeling so bad. Its not fair that IF has to hurt so much. I have been through the envy thing many of times and as much as I want to be thankful for my life, I oftentimes find myself literally sick when I see a baby. Sick with jealousy, sick with pain.
Dont be ashamed of the envy though. I think that in this situation, its a coping mechanism. Its the way to process the fact that you want something so badly right now and its not happening.
Hang in there and know you arent alone. (((Hugs)))
Thank you Shannon...I know that I'm not alone in all of this. The virtual ((HUGS)) helped a lot!
(((((HUGS))))) to you sweetie!!!
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