Easy as 1-2-3

Yes I had my feet up in stirrups but it may have been the best "babymaking" sex I have ever had. Not really...but the IUI was quick and painless. Babe and I arrived at the clinic on Saturday morning at 9:30am. They checked us in, told us to get some breakfast, and be back in an hour. We did what they said.

An hour later we were back and before I could blink, I was naked from the waist down with my feet in stirrups and the doctor between my legs. At least he was cordial and I thought about having a smoke afterwards. The IUI was nothing more than a pap. I didn't feel the cathedar going in nor did I feel the introduction of the semen into my uterus. It went off without a hitch!

There were however some downfalls. First, Babe's count was way low at 2 million post wash. The doctor was not happy about that. Second, I did have some cramping and spotting after the procedure. Third, we had to do it all over again the next day and pray for better counts...To be continued!

If you look in the dictionary....

...under the word wimp, there you shall find my picture. Let me preface this story by saying that I DID have a video for you but with the excitement of mixing the HCG, icing my butt, and receiving my injection I just couldn't pull it off. There was way too much going on! So I will try to break the experience up into parts so that you can in fact get the full effect of what happened last night.

HCG Trigger ~ Part 1 with Pictures

At 9:00pm after several of my friends promised me that it would be okay, I told the hubby that I was going to mix the injection. We had gone back and forth because for some reason he wanted to mix. Well I told him if he wanted to narrate the video then go ahead and mix...not surprisingly he declined. So I began to film with the ice pack shoved in my shorts and my anxiety running high. Immediately I began having issues with the medication. The stupid suction was pulling the plunger up past the 1cc line and I couldn't get it right, so I stopped the video and called the hubby to help. Finally I got it and started the video again. Then I injected the biostatic water into the HCG powder and began drawing the medication into the syringe. I began having problems...again. So I stopped the video and Babe and I worked together to get the meds into the syringe. I switched the needle to the 25 gauge and then decided that this video was not going to happen! Instead...I have included some pictures of the mixing and preparing the needle.

1 cc of Biostatic solution

Injecting 1cc solution into powder HCG

Drawing 1 cc mixed HCG solution

HCG Trigger ~ Part 2

I handed Babe the alcohol swab and the needle and went to lay on the bed. He wiped the area and let it dry. That's when it happened. I had a complete panic attack! I began crying and I couldn't breathe. I told him I couldn't do it and I felt that I needed to re ice the area. He was pretty frustrated but let me have my moment...such a good husband babe is! I went and re iced the same area and prayed to God to take my anxiety away. Then I was ready!

HCG Trigger ~ Part 3

I decided to sit on the couch and put all my weight to one side so that Babe could inject the other side. He re wiped the area and let it dry. I went to look back because anyone who knows me knows that I like to see my pain coming. Well by the time I flinched to turn he had already pushed the needle in. I didn't feel anythng! Not a pinch, not a poke, nothing. I thought he didn't do it right because it was so painless but I asked if he had it all the way in and he said yes. After he gave me a smile and a wink and needless to say we were both pretty impressed with his shot giving skills.

Conclusion

I don't know why I always worry about things. Mostly when I anticipate the worse then it is NEVER as bad as I think. *Sigh* All that worry for nothing. And because I am a wimp we ended up not giving the injection until 9:45pm.

We're going to have twins!!!! - Vlog #2

Today begins my first day of positive thinking. Just to set the record straight...I don't know that we are going to have twins but I believe that we may be close. The RE appointment went well. The bloodwork was absolutely painless and the ultrasound yielded good news. I do explain this on the video but I had three measurable follies on my left. Two at 13mm and one at 14mm. On the right I had two measurable and mature follies. One at 17 and one at 18. Those are my twins! There is more so watch and enjoy...

Fear Will Cripple You....If You Let It!

I have been having a problem recently with fear. I talked to my mom about it and she was helpful but the fear keeps creeping up on me...so characteristic of fear, huh? So I decided to do a dump post to divulge all of my fears to my loyal readers. Most of this may seem stupid but hey...fear has no respect, so here goes.

1. Guns and being shot by a bullet.
2. Fire and being burned alive.
3. All Bugs
4. Being in a car accident.
5. Death and dead people.
6. Ghosts and the fact that they do exist.
7. Staying at home alone during the night.
8. Being raped.
9. Being pulled over by the police.
10. Brain Aneurysms.
11. Life without my husband.
12. Needles
13. Infertility...

And recently my infertility status has made me more fearful than ever. Here are my random infertility fears. I fear....

1. That big azz needle that ironically will be going into that big azz of mine.
2. That the Clomid didn't work.
3. That the Clomid worked too well.
4. That Babe's sperm count will be too low post wash.
5. That I will have way too many mature follicles.
6. That they will cancel the cycle right there while I am on the table.
7. That the procedure won't work.
8. That I will get a BFN at the end of my tww.
9. That I will get "the call" at work telling me the procedure didn't take.
10. That Babe will be disappointed.
11. That I will never be a mother.

But despite all of these fears, I know I have to believe and stay hopeful. The reality is that this fear consumes me, it cripples me beyond recognition. I am afraid of all the things that can go wrong to the point where I have convinced myself that they will go wrong. Fear will cripple you...if you let it. So, all I can do is not succomb to this fear. I know that God is faithful and as my mom told me last night...

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".

And with that, I am going to look fear in the face, throw away my crutches, and tell fear to kiss my big ol' azz!

This is my life for the next 12 days - Vlog #1

Is is just me or does this look like a whole lot of meds? Now for my IVF'ers please don't shoot me! I know that it could be a lot worse but you have to admit...for an IUI cycle, this is a whole lotta stuff!



Now I know that everyone has been waiting and waiting for updates and I promised I would do it big didn't I? So for your viewing pleasure here is my very first Vlog...enjoy!

BTW: Make sure you have time because it is about 10 minutes full of pure rambling! Oh and don't laugh...it's my first one. It will get better...promise!

I know I promised but....

The vlog was so darn long that my computer just wouldn't download it. I sat in front of the screen for hours and nothing...just loading...and loading...and loading...and...well you get the point. So I hope all of you that are dying with anticipation will forgive me. I really tried but it just wasn't meant to be, tonight at least.

So tomorrow while I am supposed to be working I will attempt to download the video again. For you see at work...I have wireless network connection and that my friends is the best kind! Well I am off to take my Clomid and eat a chicken salad sammy. I will post tomorrow. Promise!

Slacker..

Is what I am....guilty as charged. I went to the RE today and I do have TONS of news to share with everyone but it's late and I have to work tomorrow. I promise to have a much better post tomorrow complete with pictures, possibly a video if I can get my sound to work, and maybe even shots of my meds package from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy!

Finally....We're getting somewhere!

Today is almost done and tomorrow is a new day...a new beginning. Tomorrow is the first day of my very first assisted cycle. I received my very first bit of cycle information early this morning as I settled down in my office. I always arrive to work a tad bit late and I always try to play "catch up" with my favorite person...C.F. While we were chatting my office line rings. The conversation goes:

Me: This is R
N: This is Dr. M's office calling to remind you about your 9:30am appointment tomorrow.
Me: Oh, okay Thanks.
N: Also, we ask that you not wear any scented lotions or purfume as you are entering an IVF cycle.
Me: (Thinking to myself..No I am entering an IUI cycle and why can't I wear my Vicky Secretions?)
Me: Okay..BTW did you have a chance to check my benefits?
N: I did...hold one moment...(Crappy V.O.I.P phone musak plays)..Yes I didn't call back because it looks like not much has changed. You are only covered for diagnostics.
Me: Well I was wondering about the ultrasounds and how much they would run...?
N: Are you entering a cycle?
Me: Yes...(An IVF cycle apparently)
N: Depending on how everything looks it will probably be between $107 and $190.
Me: Ooooh...o...kay.
N: Okay then sweetie see ya tomorrow!

All I am thinking is how can she be so excited to take my money. I am still holding onto hope that the RE office will code them exactly the same as all my other ultrasounds and they will be covered. I can assure you I will be yelling "Thanks God" if those baby's are covered! I am learning to be thankful for the small things in life.

So life is good. I will be in attendance tomorrow at 9:30am complete with ashy knees and ankles...Oh and foul B.O!

A letter to my dear Aunt Flo:

Curse you Aunt Flo! You are NOT a girls closest friend...in fact you are MY worst enemy! You cause me unbearable stomach pain and every time you arrive I find myself curled in a ball praying to God above that you do not kill me. You cause me to pop countless pills just to find some relief from your wrath. I do NOT love you for that. Oh how I wish you would just pass my house for the next 9 months and prey on some other unsuspecting soul. And although I would love to thank you for bearing me a monthly gift, I will most likely want to exchange that gift for a precious reflection of my husband and myself. You are quite the witch Aunt Flo and your visits are becoming more and more annoying. PLEASE stop bothering me!

Signed,

A Disgruntled Mommy Wanna Be.

Ramblings of a Subfertile

I know a lot of you were concerned about the argument that Babe and I had. Everything is fine. We worked it out just like we always do. Babe expressed to me that he felt like I was pointing fingers at him and I expressed to him that I feel like fingers are always being pointed at me..because I am subfertile. I told him I was so tired of everyone in his family looking at me like I was the cause of our curren non pregnant state and how they all look at me like I have the scarlet letter on my forehead.








I know he understands my motives. Sometimes they are good but the way they are portrayed seem all wrong. I know that his is sensitive right now about our issues and I didn't take that into consideration when we were discussing our plans for this cycle. Looking back I could have been a lot more understanding and a lot less rude. There were tears and lots of them but good things will come of this.

It is a lot of pressure on me right now trying to achieve pregnancy. It seems like I have tried it all. I know that this month will bring positive things but it is very hard dealing with everything emotionally. The study stream of YouTube videos keep me motivated and strong. I know this journey has only just begun and we have a long way to go yet. I just have to continue to pray for stregnth, guidance, and patience.

On the TTC front I have been spotting for a few days now. I took an HPT this morning and it was a blazing negative. I expected that of course but now it has become more of a ritual to POAS because it makes me feel safe taking Ibuprofen knowing for sure I am not pregnant. So now that we know for sure...pass me those pills!

There is nothing wrong with my boys!

Uggggh! I am so frustrated with Babe. Last night we were having a conversation about how long it's been since we had a drink. He mentioned purchasing some wine for the weekend. Well I thought it was a bad idea b/c A. Everyone knows drinking is not the best for fertility and B. We will be starting a new cycle soon and I don't want anything hindering our success.

Now I know that may be a little obsessive and over the top but I don't want to spend $1200 on a cycle and then look back and think "what if". You know what if I hadn't taken that drink? What if he hadn't taken that drink. I don't know if I mentioned this but my worst fear is being cancelled right there on the table b/c the counts aren't sufficient or b/c I overstimmed.

Well anyway, I mentioned about the drinking and he goes "there is nothing wrong with me" so for some reason that really bothered me and I go "what doctor were you talking to". So he gets all defensive and I try to explain to him that if there wasn't something wrong then we would be pregnant after all this time. He seems to feel like some people just aren't compatible reproductively. I agree...but it is called unexplained infertilty not PCOS and Male Factor.

I tried to explain to him that yes his numbers are good enough for the IUI but that doesn't really mean that everything is fine. He seems to feel that there is nothing wrong with his boys. Even after two visits with very low numbers. Don't get me wrong...his count is great but with a morph of only 6.7% and motility under 50% I feel that there is clearly an issue there. I just don't get it. So we are not speaking right now. I guess I just felt like we both understood that this was both of our issue and we were both going to do what it took to make things work. Well apparently I am the only one with the problem.

There is so much more to this story than I am saying but you get the picture. Maybe it is a male thing. I am just outdone!

My upcoming cycle and pricing

I know most of you will be wondering, "How the heck does this girl know what her cycle will be like"? Well short answer...I don't. But I am extreamly OC about this whole process so...bite me!
Let's take a look shall we?

1/19 ~ AF is Due
1/21 ~ RE appt. for U/S and Clomid ($290 + $9.00)
1/21 ~ Clomid
1/22 ~ Clomid
1/23 ~ Clomid
1/24 ~ Clomid
1/25 ~ Clomid
1/30 ~ Follie Scan, Bloodwork and Possible Trigger ($107 + $113 + $50)
2/1 ~ IUI#1 ($289)
2/2 ~ IUI#2 ($289)
2/8 ~ P4 Check ($70.00)
2/16 ~ BETA! ($30.00)

GRAND TOTAL $1,250*

So blogger world there ya have it. I can't wait!

*I must mention here that the total will probably be a whole lot less. The insurance will probably cover most of my ultrasounds and bloodwork but I don't know for sure so I just priced according to the RE statement.

A More Exciting TWW...And a Less Exciting Baby Shower!

So I am in the TWW once again. I am also very excited this TWW! Why you ask? Well let me tell ya. I am excited because although I probably won't be pregnant, I will be one step closer to becoming pregnant. Because I will probably have to deal with cramps, bloating, and sore boobs but the next time I have those symptoms I could possibly be pregnant. Because AF arriving will ultimately mean that we have failed yet another cycle, however we are still one cycle closer to our BFP!

On another note: My SIL's baby shower is scheduled for February. This is terrible because A. Ummm I will be undergoing fertility treatments and B. I will be undergoing fertility treatments. This whole thing screams mental breakdown. God I can just hear everyone at the shower going, "So when are you guys going to have a baby?", "Hey where is your bump?", "Oh I'm not having anymore it is their turn" and my all time number one favorite "Are you pregnant?" Oh yeah and then there is the gift opening in which a waterfall of "oooh's and aaaah's" will commence. SIL will waddle around looking all cute and preggo and I will be running around like a slave trying to avoid all akward situations at any cost.

Has any of my IF friends noticed recently that there has been an influx of babies and preggo women at every corner? I was at Golden Corral last night and we saw two new born babies and one pregnant woman who of course had to stop by our table because my MIL and FIL are so prominent in the community. SIGH.

So AF is due on MLK day..Woopie! At least we have the day off so I can sleep all day and not worry about cramps that just won't quit. I usually get AF while I am at work or on a day I have to go to work so...crap to that! This month God decided to give me a much needed break which I wholeheartly appreciate. Thanks God....

Happy 2 days after New Years!

Okay...I know I should have done this days ago so sue me! I have really be just relaxing and enjoying my time off.

Everyone talks about resolutions and such but I feel like I do that every year and never keep them...then again maybe that is all the fun of resolutions huh?

All I know is 2009 will be my year! Babe and I will be pregnant and we will give birth to our first child...THIS YEAR! Babe was so cute on New Year's. He mentioned as the evening came to a close that he himself had two resolutions. I was shocked because Babe has never been into the resoultion thing. But here he was..surprising me yet again.

He said to me that the only two things he wanted to do this New Year was get his Camaro running and getting me pregnant. So sweet! I would like that too.

Recently I have been labeling all of my baby items in the closet. I have boxes and boxes of baby items stashed away from when we first decided that we would "pull the goalie". Unfortunately, I didn't realize it would take us so darn long to become pregnant nor did I realize that we would be struggling with IF together. The good news is A. I now have space in my closet and B. I am fully prepared to have twins!

...Laughing Out Loud

No I'm Not Pregnant.. I'm Just Fat

Last night Babe and I had church. It's a tradition that we as Baptist have participated in all our lives. Generally we arrive at church around 9pm and the closing prayer is done at 12 midnight to bring in the new year. We also serve breakfast to everyone after the service is over. Last year I was roped into cooking the eggs which sucks because cooking eggs for a slew of people...well it just sucks.

So this year I resolved to not cook the eggs b/c well cooking eggs for a slew of people just sucks as I already mentioned. Especially when you have already slaved in the kitchen before church cooking 4 pounds of bacon. I did end up cooking the eggs by the way.

But on to more important things. As I am in the kitchen with my very pregnant SIL, Babe's cousin just blurts out, "Are you pregnant?". Now mind you I am completely taken aback by her question considering the fact that at Thanksgiving she asked me the same thing! So, my mind began to reel as to what whitty comment I would make but all I could muster was a "Girrrrl naw!" Now in a perfect world the conversation would have gone like this...

(She) - "Bekah, are you pregnant?"
(Me) - "Why, do I look pregnant?"
(She) - Studdering to find something to say with a dumb look on her face
(Me) - "No, I'm not pregnant...I'm just fat!"

So...there you have it. A nice start to my new year. Being asked for the gazillionth time if I am pregnant. Happy New Year to Me!