A letter to my dear Aunt Flo:

Curse you Aunt Flo! You are NOT a girls closest friend...in fact you are MY worst enemy! You cause me unbearable stomach pain and every time you arrive I find myself curled in a ball praying to God above that you do not kill me. You cause me to pop countless pills just to find some relief from your wrath. I do NOT love you for that. Oh how I wish you would just pass my house for the next 9 months and prey on some other unsuspecting soul. And although I would love to thank you for bearing me a monthly gift, I will most likely want to exchange that gift for a precious reflection of my husband and myself. You are quite the witch Aunt Flo and your visits are becoming more and more annoying. PLEASE stop bothering me!

Signed,

A Disgruntled Mommy Wanna Be.

Ramblings of a Subfertile

I know a lot of you were concerned about the argument that Babe and I had. Everything is fine. We worked it out just like we always do. Babe expressed to me that he felt like I was pointing fingers at him and I expressed to him that I feel like fingers are always being pointed at me..because I am subfertile. I told him I was so tired of everyone in his family looking at me like I was the cause of our curren non pregnant state and how they all look at me like I have the scarlet letter on my forehead.








I know he understands my motives. Sometimes they are good but the way they are portrayed seem all wrong. I know that his is sensitive right now about our issues and I didn't take that into consideration when we were discussing our plans for this cycle. Looking back I could have been a lot more understanding and a lot less rude. There were tears and lots of them but good things will come of this.

It is a lot of pressure on me right now trying to achieve pregnancy. It seems like I have tried it all. I know that this month will bring positive things but it is very hard dealing with everything emotionally. The study stream of YouTube videos keep me motivated and strong. I know this journey has only just begun and we have a long way to go yet. I just have to continue to pray for stregnth, guidance, and patience.

On the TTC front I have been spotting for a few days now. I took an HPT this morning and it was a blazing negative. I expected that of course but now it has become more of a ritual to POAS because it makes me feel safe taking Ibuprofen knowing for sure I am not pregnant. So now that we know for sure...pass me those pills!

There is nothing wrong with my boys!

Uggggh! I am so frustrated with Babe. Last night we were having a conversation about how long it's been since we had a drink. He mentioned purchasing some wine for the weekend. Well I thought it was a bad idea b/c A. Everyone knows drinking is not the best for fertility and B. We will be starting a new cycle soon and I don't want anything hindering our success.

Now I know that may be a little obsessive and over the top but I don't want to spend $1200 on a cycle and then look back and think "what if". You know what if I hadn't taken that drink? What if he hadn't taken that drink. I don't know if I mentioned this but my worst fear is being cancelled right there on the table b/c the counts aren't sufficient or b/c I overstimmed.

Well anyway, I mentioned about the drinking and he goes "there is nothing wrong with me" so for some reason that really bothered me and I go "what doctor were you talking to". So he gets all defensive and I try to explain to him that if there wasn't something wrong then we would be pregnant after all this time. He seems to feel like some people just aren't compatible reproductively. I agree...but it is called unexplained infertilty not PCOS and Male Factor.

I tried to explain to him that yes his numbers are good enough for the IUI but that doesn't really mean that everything is fine. He seems to feel that there is nothing wrong with his boys. Even after two visits with very low numbers. Don't get me wrong...his count is great but with a morph of only 6.7% and motility under 50% I feel that there is clearly an issue there. I just don't get it. So we are not speaking right now. I guess I just felt like we both understood that this was both of our issue and we were both going to do what it took to make things work. Well apparently I am the only one with the problem.

There is so much more to this story than I am saying but you get the picture. Maybe it is a male thing. I am just outdone!

My upcoming cycle and pricing

I know most of you will be wondering, "How the heck does this girl know what her cycle will be like"? Well short answer...I don't. But I am extreamly OC about this whole process so...bite me!
Let's take a look shall we?

1/19 ~ AF is Due
1/21 ~ RE appt. for U/S and Clomid ($290 + $9.00)
1/21 ~ Clomid
1/22 ~ Clomid
1/23 ~ Clomid
1/24 ~ Clomid
1/25 ~ Clomid
1/30 ~ Follie Scan, Bloodwork and Possible Trigger ($107 + $113 + $50)
2/1 ~ IUI#1 ($289)
2/2 ~ IUI#2 ($289)
2/8 ~ P4 Check ($70.00)
2/16 ~ BETA! ($30.00)

GRAND TOTAL $1,250*

So blogger world there ya have it. I can't wait!

*I must mention here that the total will probably be a whole lot less. The insurance will probably cover most of my ultrasounds and bloodwork but I don't know for sure so I just priced according to the RE statement.

A More Exciting TWW...And a Less Exciting Baby Shower!

So I am in the TWW once again. I am also very excited this TWW! Why you ask? Well let me tell ya. I am excited because although I probably won't be pregnant, I will be one step closer to becoming pregnant. Because I will probably have to deal with cramps, bloating, and sore boobs but the next time I have those symptoms I could possibly be pregnant. Because AF arriving will ultimately mean that we have failed yet another cycle, however we are still one cycle closer to our BFP!

On another note: My SIL's baby shower is scheduled for February. This is terrible because A. Ummm I will be undergoing fertility treatments and B. I will be undergoing fertility treatments. This whole thing screams mental breakdown. God I can just hear everyone at the shower going, "So when are you guys going to have a baby?", "Hey where is your bump?", "Oh I'm not having anymore it is their turn" and my all time number one favorite "Are you pregnant?" Oh yeah and then there is the gift opening in which a waterfall of "oooh's and aaaah's" will commence. SIL will waddle around looking all cute and preggo and I will be running around like a slave trying to avoid all akward situations at any cost.

Has any of my IF friends noticed recently that there has been an influx of babies and preggo women at every corner? I was at Golden Corral last night and we saw two new born babies and one pregnant woman who of course had to stop by our table because my MIL and FIL are so prominent in the community. SIGH.

So AF is due on MLK day..Woopie! At least we have the day off so I can sleep all day and not worry about cramps that just won't quit. I usually get AF while I am at work or on a day I have to go to work so...crap to that! This month God decided to give me a much needed break which I wholeheartly appreciate. Thanks God....

Happy 2 days after New Years!

Okay...I know I should have done this days ago so sue me! I have really be just relaxing and enjoying my time off.

Everyone talks about resolutions and such but I feel like I do that every year and never keep them...then again maybe that is all the fun of resolutions huh?

All I know is 2009 will be my year! Babe and I will be pregnant and we will give birth to our first child...THIS YEAR! Babe was so cute on New Year's. He mentioned as the evening came to a close that he himself had two resolutions. I was shocked because Babe has never been into the resoultion thing. But here he was..surprising me yet again.

He said to me that the only two things he wanted to do this New Year was get his Camaro running and getting me pregnant. So sweet! I would like that too.

Recently I have been labeling all of my baby items in the closet. I have boxes and boxes of baby items stashed away from when we first decided that we would "pull the goalie". Unfortunately, I didn't realize it would take us so darn long to become pregnant nor did I realize that we would be struggling with IF together. The good news is A. I now have space in my closet and B. I am fully prepared to have twins!

...Laughing Out Loud

No I'm Not Pregnant.. I'm Just Fat

Last night Babe and I had church. It's a tradition that we as Baptist have participated in all our lives. Generally we arrive at church around 9pm and the closing prayer is done at 12 midnight to bring in the new year. We also serve breakfast to everyone after the service is over. Last year I was roped into cooking the eggs which sucks because cooking eggs for a slew of people...well it just sucks.

So this year I resolved to not cook the eggs b/c well cooking eggs for a slew of people just sucks as I already mentioned. Especially when you have already slaved in the kitchen before church cooking 4 pounds of bacon. I did end up cooking the eggs by the way.

But on to more important things. As I am in the kitchen with my very pregnant SIL, Babe's cousin just blurts out, "Are you pregnant?". Now mind you I am completely taken aback by her question considering the fact that at Thanksgiving she asked me the same thing! So, my mind began to reel as to what whitty comment I would make but all I could muster was a "Girrrrl naw!" Now in a perfect world the conversation would have gone like this...

(She) - "Bekah, are you pregnant?"
(Me) - "Why, do I look pregnant?"
(She) - Studdering to find something to say with a dumb look on her face
(Me) - "No, I'm not pregnant...I'm just fat!"

So...there you have it. A nice start to my new year. Being asked for the gazillionth time if I am pregnant. Happy New Year to Me!