Where to begin...

Wow...just wow! I can't believe it has been that long since I have updated my blog. There have been so many ups and downs. This journey has certainly been one full of hopes, excitement, dreams, disappointments, prayers, anger, and utter depression. For those of you who have followed me from the beginning of my journey, I sincerely say THANK YOU! Thank you for your love and support and most importantly your prayers.

I remember when I first began this blogging thing...I remember how excited I was to be able to put my thoughts somewhere. Then I started getting readers and I began reading other blogs. I had a list of about 20 blogs which I followed religiously. Then I remember the feeling I had when I realized that it was taking longer and longer for me to become pregnant. I remember one by one by one that list of 20 became smaller because although I was happy for each and every one of these women, I was stricken with sadness for myself.

Then I remember the day when I realized that out of that list of 20 there were only 2 who were still fighting to become pregnant. That feeling is why I chose to create a new blog. So if you have been following me and you are interested in my life then let me know and I will send you the link to my new blog.

Love and Blessings to everyone~

Still Waiting...

That's all I have to say about that. Testing will commence in two days unless something else happens otherwise.

Quick Update

As of today I am still free from my "monthly gift". Tomorrow is the last day before I test. If I miss tomorrow, I know that something is up. Either I am knocked up or I have those god forsaken cysts again and we are going through a repeat of 2007. (Roll Eyes)

I had a 34 day cycle last month which was atypical and I thought I may have been preggo. I have had a 28 day cycle for the past year and all of a sudden it is all screwed up. I am thinking I may have O'd late but I know if I do not get AF tomorrow something is definitely up. Tomorrow will make CD36....

Do you know what sucks about not using OPK's

...when you miss AF you don't know if it is because you are pregnant or if you just ovulated later than usual. CRAP! I guess I need to buy some pregnancy tests, huh?

I touched her belly...

And felt her baby move. It was the most amazing experience EVER!!! On the other hand, it was just another sad reminder of what isn't in my life. After it happened, I almost cried. The feeling was so overwhelming and amazing and depressing all at the same time. I don't know what is in our future. I don't know if I will ever get the opportunity to experience what she is experiencing right now. It is that feeling that I would always long for...

I'll take IVF for...how much Alex?

Recently I have been so consumed with work and more work that I haven't even had time to focus on the fact that Babe and I are STILL not pregnant nor will we be pregnant anytime soon. Yes I know that statement was rather bleak and grim but the truth hurts.


There is however some hope and it all started out with my FIL suggesting that we try the whole "IVF Vacation" deal. I must admit, it did sound like a pretty sweet deal. Babe and I were thinking either Barbados or Mexico. And so...my new hobby became researching hundreds of medical travel companies. We were pretty set and next year we were planning to head to Mexico.


But everyone knows how the internet works. You start out with one thing and it just sucks you in. This was however, one time which I didn't mind being sucked in. After more research I discovered the Mini IVF or Mini Stim. The Mini Stim is where they use Clomid and a small amount of injectible meds to stimulate the ovaries. The point is to only get enough eggs for a fresh transfer. So, two or three max. I felt this was good for me because I stim very well on clomid so I shouldn't have any issues there

And best of all....It's only $5900 plus a few hundred for meds. The reason it is cheaper than traditional IVF is because you are not using nearly as much medicine therefore you save thousands. We will be having a consult with the clinic either over Christmas break or Spring break. I anticipate having the funds by June at the latest.

Needless to say Babe and I ARE.SO.FREAKING.EXCITED!!!!

Who is that knocking on my chamber door?

Oh look...it's lovely AF. She is like that bad relative that always invites themselves to your house and never wants to leave. Uggh so annoying! So as a recap...

• No, using the OPK's didn't work for us this time
• No, using the Soy Iso hasn't worked for us in the past three months
• No, laying on my back and actually falling asleep after BD didn't work for us this time
• No, squeezing my va jay jay muscles together all night to keep it in didn't work for us this time
• Heck No, trying to get pregnant by any method hasn't worked for us in the past year.

YIKES! It scares the C-R-A-P outta me knowing that we have been "not preventing" since 2007 and "actively trying" since 2008. I tell you what though, this au natural thing isn't really working for me. Time to move on and try the Clomid again. Maybe it will work for us both this time. We have also been seriously considering doing one more IUI. Who knows...third time might just be a charm.

In other news: The diaper cake business is coming along...thanks to my friend Jess. You are the bomb girlfriend! I have several requests for the upcoming months and I know that will bring me more requests...I need some business cards, LOL!

In teaching news: My first set of classes are hectic! Mostly because it is a lot of work but also because I don't really know a whole lot about the subject matter. Yes, it is weird that I am teaching a class for which I know nothing about the content. But hey, I have a MBA and I'm smart so I guess they saw something in me. Hopefully, I will be offered a PT postition.

New Home Based Business

......Diaper Cakes!!! So if you know anyone who is preggo then think of me. I have a new blog dedicated to it so take a look at my very first cake. I think it is pretty good for a first attempt.

Check it out: http://pampermecakes.blogspot.com

Survey Says....

Negative. So that means my surge is done and I am probably O'ing or already O'd. My CM has already started to dry up which is usually my main indicator that I have O'd. So with that being said...

Excuse me while I go make a baby!

Positively Positive

My IRL friend "D" and I decided that we would purchase the CBE Digital OPK's this month. It was a very ironic situation that happened to us which leads me to feel that we are both going to get our BFP's this month. So the story goes...

Last month D and I had our cycles almost a week apart. So we searched on the internet for the best price for the CBED because let's face it...Drugstores are a ripoff. D found her's for around 24 bucks and mine was around 18 bucks. Her OPK's arrived on Saturday and she took the first one which was...positive.

So naturally, because I have been doing this whole baby making thing for a year now I figured I had my cycle down pat. I watch my CM, wait for O pains, and time intercourse just so. I don't really need the OPK's but since Babe saw the commercial on TV then I got them. My OPK's arrived on Monday and just out of sheer curiousity, I decided to take one. Imagine my utter shock when the test came back...

So I popped the strip out and evaluated the lines. Humm close but I would not have judged that as a positive if it were just a regular line test. So I texted Babe and told him we have the green light. Today, I decided I would test again just to see if it was a fluke or something. After all I always ovulate on the 15th day of my cycle right....

WRONG AGAIN....The test at 2pm today showed another

And once again I wanted to see what the lines read. It was a definite positive! Here is the progression of the test from yesterday and today @ CD11 and CD12.

So what do I make out of all of this? Well it is simple really...I may or may not have been timing my BD sessions right. When you do something so much sometimes you get complacent. Well, I should have been using these smiley face kits all along because I am convinced that it may be just one part of the reason we haven't become pregnant yet. I suspect the soy iso has something to do with this early ovulation!

An Award...For Me?

Wow! I am floored! Thank You a million and one times to Jess (http://www.babyparamore.blogspot.com/) who gave me this wonderful award. I can't honestly say that I thought my blog would inspire anyone nor did I realize that anyone was really reading it. It is nice to know that someone cares. Again, Thanks!

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging

2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"

3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

7 Blogs that are interesting and engaging...

1. Jenn: http://www.jennepper.com/
2. Wifezzilla: http://wifezzilla.blogspot.com/
3. JackieMac: http://whenohwhenwillitbe.blogspot.com/
4. PJ: http://infertilityonthebrain.blogspot.com/
5. Murgdan: http://murgdan.blogspot.com/
6. Megan: http://bottomsoffandonthetable.blogspot.com/
7. Lindsay: http://itisntthateasy.blogspot.com/

10 honest things about ME

1. I am really very self conscious. I know that I am a beautie but for some reason I can't stand to look at myself most times.
2. I love to cook...so passionately so that I will open up a restaurant one day.
3. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life even though I pretend that I haven't.
4. I often feel that my IF is caused by my mistakes and that I am being punished.
5. I want to experience the joys of pregnancy so much so that I often ball clothes up and make myself a mock belly. I know it isn't normal but I don't give a shit.
6. I love attention!
7. I am a giver. I give to others more than I should and I often neglect my well being because of this.
8. I don't like people who pass judgement on others due to their beliefs. It really irritates me!
9. I have a jealous nature.
10. IF has brought me to this low place that I NEVER thought I would see. It has also made me stronger.

My Saturday

Today I have done nothing but purchase baby items for my co worker "E" and watch "A Baby Story" all day. I know it seems weird but, it is the only thing I have right now. I have been in "Baby Mode" for the whole week. Probably because I am close to O'ing. In any event...I really need to try not to go overboard with the money spending. I did it when my SIL became preggo and now that I know what "E" is having, I just bought a whole bunch of blue stuff for her shower.

I also wanted to send a formal Thanks to Jess, who began following my blog faithfully a few months ago. Thank you for your support and I am so sorry about your loss.

Babe and I had an interesting conversation today. It went like this..

Babe: Do we have any fertility pills left. (Referring to Clomid)
Me: No but the Rx is still fillable at Walgreens.
Me: Why? Do you want me to take them?
Babe: Yeah, can you?
Me: I could....but I shouldn't without monitoring. We would end up with quads!
Babe: (shrugs) Well at least we could have them all at once and be done.

Disclaimer: I would like to let you all know that I would NEVER consider doing this. But I did think about it...deeply... for a brief moment.

In other non baby related news: I will begin teaching my first two online classes in 2 weeks. I can't believe it. I am excited and a bit nervous now because a lot of time has lapsed since the training and the classes. I am sure I will do fine.

Why I Love My Husband

Let me start off by saying that Babe and I haven't always seen eye to eye on things. We both have family and career on two very different levels of importance. But recently, Babe has become more aware of how IF sucks and the difficulty that I face on a daily basis.

We had already been discussing the sheer gall of people nowadays. How many times does one person have to ask about us having babies. Sometimes, I think it is funny to them to watch us squirm as we try to diplomatically answer their questions. Other times, I think that they know we are having trouble and they just want us to confirm so that the gossip train can start.

Recently, Babe and I were at the gas station and ran into someone who I knew would ask about our babymaking efforts. I can spot them a mile away, really I can, and this one had it written all over her face. I put on a fake smile and greeted her as Babe continued to pump gas. No sooner than the hug was exchanged it happened...

Her: So whats going on with the babies?
Me: Huh?
Her: Why is it taking so long? It's been forever. What's going on with you guys? When are you going to have a baby?
Me: (Deer in Headlights Look)
Babe: Well, we are just having fun right now.
Her: (Slightly uncomfortable with the visual I'm sure) Oh okay well do your thing then. I was just thinking that it is taking a long time.
Babe: Yeah we are really enjoying the practice.
Me: (Still staring with that DIH look)..Chuckle.
Babe: Diverts the conversation elsewhere.

Phew...I told Babe that I was very grateful that he saved me because I almost died there. He agreed and said that he noticed I was stuck and in distress so he decided to jump in. If I never appreciated my husbands quick witt, I surely did this day. Thanks Babe...that was a close one!

In other news: I am doing one more cycle of Soy before I break. There is no real way to tell if it is helping or not since my issue was mainly discovered by ultrasound. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am one of those women who do ovulate regularly and AF arrives right on time but I don't ever know if the ovulation is strong enough for a pregnancy. Since this is the month that marks our first year of ttc after the official diagnosis, I will be using OPK's along with the soy. If no BFP this month, I will gingerly bring up another IUI to Babe. I feel like it's time.

Rounding the Year Mark and Still No Baby

Since my last post I have gone MIA. I have been around, but things got too stressful with the IUI's and BFN's and all that jazz in between. Babe and I decided to take a mental break from it all. We are now trying things the natural way and although there hasn't been much success, it is a little less stressful on our relationship.

Since my last post I have also:

• Had a SIL who gave birth to a baby girl


• Found out that Babe's cousin was pregnant


• Found out that a co worker is pregnant


• Found out that said co worker's SIL is pregnant with #2


• Found out that an internet friend is pregnant with #2


• Endured Mother's Day


• Endured Father's Day


• Endured at least 20 people asking me on 20 different occasions when we were going to have kids.

I am proud to announce that I am still here and stronger than before. But who am I kidding really? Everyone knows that infertility breaks a persons spirit. I am okay with that but it is a hard pill to swallow to see Babe's spirit broken. He is my stregnth and my protector. But recently, he has been clearly expressive about the "unfairness" of it all. I do believe he is finally "getting it". Unfortunately, "getting it" doesn't get us a baby.

Next month will be another year for us. It will probably be the hardest month to see a BFN. We both had a reflection today. How is it possible that there are millions of women out there who don't want children and yet keep having them so easily while millions of women who do want children can't have them at all? Babies being born to teens who are just babies themselves. Babies being born to drug addicts. But, yet women who have good jobs and are financially stable, highly educated, warm loving hearts, suffer with the curse of infertility? Life is royally screwed!

Oh and Have a Happy Fourth of July!

It's not like we really had a chance anyway...so why am I so pissed?

I will tell you why. Because last night I felt the strongest O pains in my life (other than when I am on Clomid) and Babe decided that he was too tired and that his neck hurt too bad to BD. WTH? So I did the only thing there was left to do...said "fine" and went to bed.

I don't know why I am so pissed anyway. It's not like we were really going to get pregnant this time. I guess that little four letter word called "hope" crept into my life while I was busy doing other things. Sometimes I hate that word. I feel like my life is better without it...well when it relates to babymakin' and such.

Of course my EWCM is drying up so I know that I did O already and everytime I think about it I just get so upset. Just for the simple fact that we didn't try when we could have. And for the fact that yet another month passes me by and I am STILL.NOT.PREGNANT! When will this madness end already?

I really wish God would just have mercy on me with this one. I really don't ask for much and I don't think that asking for a family is wrong or out of his will. I just don't know anymore. I am so tired of this struggle and I long for the day when it is over. I'm angry and hurt and just plain sad.

Spotting and Such...

I started spotting last night which is not good at this point in the game. I wish I could stay positive and give you all good news. I wish this could have been a post about how I POAS and saw two beautiful lines..but it is not.

I did POAS yesterday and there was obviously...only one line. Proceed with spotting yields AF's arrival. I am beyond myself as to why after a perfect cycle did I not get the desired results. Three eggs and 8 million sperm placed right at their doorstep and still..nothing.

I don't know where we will go from here. We have one more attempt before the doctor will say no more IUI's. I can't believe we have already done two. I have mixed feelings mostly desperation because of the fact that we may be in that rare percent that doesn't benefit from an IUI. God where will we go when we have no money for IVF.

I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. More detail tomorrow after I take my final HPT. Prayers are requested!

The Results Are In

My progesterone level was at 26.9 which is good considering I had 3 mature eggs. Now we wait....

And just for kicks my symptoms so far:

• Major activity in my lower abdomen including dull cramps,twinges, pricks, heaviness, and just overall weirdness.
• Sore breasts including the nipples
• Constipation
• Increased thirst

Bleeding, Bedrest, and BETA's

IUI's are complete. I am still thinking back to my first IUI. When I was so excited and carefree. When the RE did the procedure himself and all I got was a little bit of spotting. These two IUI's were completely different. They sort of made me not want to do them again. Maybe I am just a wuss...yeah that is probably it!

IUI#1 was done by the IVF coordinator. She is very impersonable to begin with and I have never been fond of her. First of all, a speculum is not enjoyable no matter how gentle you try to be. Imagine my surprise when the IVF coordinator rammed it up my va jay jay. OUCH! At least the cathether went in smoothly...semi smoothly. Needless to say I had some bleeding afterwards which I wasn't happy about. And Babe's count was only 4 million post wash. *Sigh*

IUI #2 was done by the NP who I love very dearly. I was praying that I would get her or the RE because I just knew she would be gentle. And she was...at least until she decided to inject the specimen so forcefully that my uterus actually cramped up. Yes you heard me correctly. Again I had some bleeding afterwards and quite a bit more than the first time. I didn't expect to get too much cramping so when I couldn't stand up b/c of the immense pressure in my lower abdomen I really freaked out. I went home, took two tylenol, and put myself on strict bedrest! Today I feel much better.

Babe's count was 4 million post wash this time too. At least it didn't decrease, right? *Double sigh* The only hope I have right now is coming from all my internet friends and the RE's office. The NP actually said that between the two days the numbers were enough to produce a pregnancy and especially since I had three ripe eggs. She was very confident that I would get pregnant this time which was a nice change from the last time. My internet friends are so good with the encouragement and as they so dutifully remind me..."It only takes one".

On another note: My BETA is scheduled for Friday 4/10 which is conveniently the same day that AF is due. This is also Good Friday which may be a good sign. Babe and I are planning a weekend getaway so I am already preparing myself for the worst. I will be getting drunk if nothing else.

Even better than before!

Good Morning friends,

Let me just say that I am so proud of my scholarly ovaries. As if 2 mature follicles weren't enough last time...yes friends the ovaries have done it again. I have 3 mature follicles this go round. Two are measuring at 19 and one at 21. This has got to be it!

I was like a proud mama this morning as the IVF coordinator told me my scan was beautiful. Lining is good and I have some nice plump eggs. We are anticipating that my estrogen level will be just as nice and hopefully my progesterone will be better than the last time. I felt like walking out of there with my chest stuck out and I did!

The doctor came in personally to talk to me about the risk of multiples. I almost chuckled in his face because hello..I would be happy to get how many ever God chooses me to house in my warm cozy uterus. But I held it back and just politely said, "Yes, we are fine with those risks and we do want to proceed".

Just for kicks...I have a 5% chance for triplets, 10% chance for twins, and 20% chance for a singleton. I would be ecstatic with just one but I don't really care if it is more at this point. Also they mentioned that my progesterone last time was a bit borderline considering I had two eggs last time. I'm sure it will be much better this time.

So my IUI is scheduled for tomorrow at 10 and Friday at 10. Pray for me and Babe!

Fed Up with Fed Ex

Fed Ex can kiss it! I am so ticked off with them right now...they are unbelievable. I verified my HCG order on Saturday and they shipped it out on Sunday to arrive today. The lovely fertility pharmacy...most of you know which company I am speaking of...are always so nice and they specifically placed attn:leasing office so I wouldn't have any trouble.

Well I told my supervisor I needed to leave 30 minutes early so I could get my package. I called the leasing office and they said that the package hadn't arrived. I thought it was weird but I just figured it would come tomorrow. Well I called Babe as I usually do and he said I missed my package delivery.

So I call Fed Ex and Mr. Rudepants proceeds to tell me that he couldn't deliver the package to the office because it has to be signed specifically by me or "someone" in #106. O.....K..... So I tried to tell him that this wasn't the first time I had gotten this specific package from this specific company but the jerk cuts me off and says that "THIS" package can't be delivered from the front office. So I am royally pissed by now..I am steaming and slightly borderline panicked.

Well I tell him that I am going to call the company and have them handle it. Well I called and boy were they pissed. The lady said that it was the first time they have ever done that and that she was going to get a manager on the phone if they give her any guff. Well she said that she would only call back if she had trouble and I didn't get a call back so....

We will see what happens tomorrow.