Left Behind

It's funny what infertility can do to a person. After I was Punk'd last night I began thinking about how I feel like I am being Left Behind...and not in the religious sense although I am sure I need some help in that department too. I remember joining a board a while back and the 6 of us became good friends. So good in fact that we ditched the board and started emailing each other every day. As I reflected back on those days I realized that 4 of them have become pregnant, 2 of those 4 have given birth. Not that I am not happy for them, especially B who so wrongly was denied the joy of her first pregnancy. But I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

I am also in a group of women who are undergoing IUI and IVF cycles. 3 of them, already pregnant within the first month of us getting to know each other. 2 of those 3, it was their first cycle. I am happy for them but, I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

Babe and I have friends who are newly married and most of who did no planning to have a baby. Most of them have become pregnant, some of them pregnant with their second. Some of them it was a shock, some of them weren't even happy about it. I am happy for them but, I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

It's like being back in High School. Every popular girl belongs to "that club". A club I so desprately wanted to be a part of. And yet almost 10 years later I am dreading going to my class reunion because I don't want to be that unpopular girl again. The one who has friends that can intermingle with the in crowd and leaves me, behind. I want to be a part of that club, the one where conversations consist of changing diapers and breastfeeding, labor stories, and pregnancy symptoms. And yet here I am in the background, once again...left behind.

I found this article and I wanted to include it in my blog entry because it was so fitting. In order to do this properly I know I needed to acknowledge the author. So thanks to Sharon van Wyke for your article on LBS. It really hit home and helped me to realize that I am not left behind...alone.

http://www.exhalezine.com/january_2009/leftbehindsyndrome.html

How's this for Irony?

Have any of you looked in the dictionary lately under the word irony? Yeah...tell me was my picture there? No...seriously was my picture there? I'll bet you it was because apparently my life it the epitomy of irony. Today was the motherload of all ironic situations. I.AM.SPEECHLESS.

For you see today I had decided that it was time to let out all my bottled up frustrations. Frustrations from this past failed cycle, from my DH's low numbers, from the Jesus conversation with my mother last night, from a surprising comment that we need to relax from my dad, from my DH making me move our appointment yet again...just from everything. And just when I thought that it could not possibly get any worse.

As I am on my way home in tears I tell God that I am just one step away..just one more "surprise we're pregant" person away from loosing it. And I stop by the mailbox and pull out the mail and walk in to my DH on the phone. He hugs me and the tears are just streaming down my face. And I'm just so close to just loosing it...just having a pure mental breakdown. And he hangs up and says "You will never guess..." And I already know what's coming. So I said, "Go ahead and tell me...it can't get any worse than it already is" And I don't know if it is because I deserve to be tortured or if it is because I am a bad person or that maybe somehow Karma if there is such a thing found me but God Almighty you have got to be kidding me!

DH tells me his friend CF and his wife just found out they are preganant. And all I can say is Holy Mary Mother Freaking WOW! Please someone tell me...Am I being punked? No seriously...Ashton Kutcher better come running out of my bedroom right now because this crap is NOT funny. This is the worst most cruel twist of nature I have ever experienced. And oh no it doesn't stop there...because my life is so funny, I open the package I got in the mail and Surprise! My Pregnancy Tests that I ordered to test for Valentines Day arrived...today...5 days late...in the middle of one of the worst days yet. I feel so special...

And because my wonderful husband wanted to add fuel to the fire he says "we just need to have more sex". Sure honey...let's try that! Because God it's not like we have been trying that for all these months. Are you kidding me?

Baby or Bust!

Unfortunately this cycle was a Bust! A failure! A complete and utter disaster! Ok that last one was a bit much but you do get my drift. I had all day cramping on Thursday which lead to spotting on Friday. I was so down and Babe was so speechless. I think he almost cried but he'd kill me if he knew I said that. Nature decided to bring me my monthly gift right on time but not without a little taunting first. You see the spotting mocked IB and was non existant on Saturday which led me to believe that maybe I was pregnant after all. But alas, as a cruel twist of nature AF arrived promptly on Sunday afternoon....witch!

So many people have asked me how I am doing and if I am okay...I feel special, I really do. The support has been tremendous. Thank You everyone. We have not decided if we will use this cycle to recoup or if we will jump right back into treatment. I am opting for the latter but Babe is fighting strong for the break. I think it was just too much for him to handle.

We have an appointment with the RE on Wednesday so I will most likely update everyone then. If we do choose to proceed then I will have my CD3 u/s done Wednesday and begin Clomid that day as well. I think I feel the need to press on and set my sights on the prize in order to keep my mind off of the disappointment of this past cycle. It's hard and it hurts but...I am strong. I know we can do this with the proper support.

Two down, Two Week Wait to Go!

The second IUI was successfully completed this morning at 10:30. Unfortunately, Babe's count was even lower today at 1 million post wash. *SIGH* this is really getting frustrating. The RE was very concerned about our success for this cycle and mentioned discussing "other" options if the cycle fails. Read: I'm sorry guys IUI really isn't a good option for these counts..you may want to consider IVF. Geeze...just what we need, a more expensive procedure.

We definitely can't afford IVF so we are praying hard that God gives us a miracle. Otherwise, I guess it is back to trying au natural until something happens. So we are on to the two week wait. I don't know how I feel going into these next two weeks. I know I have to believe with all my heart that this procedure works. That is all I have to hold on to right now. I know if we get a negative then we can try again because we can always save but now the issue becomes more difficult because the doctor feels that IUI is no longer our best option. What else can I say...Infertility is very depressing.