It's not like we really had a chance anyway...so why am I so pissed?

I will tell you why. Because last night I felt the strongest O pains in my life (other than when I am on Clomid) and Babe decided that he was too tired and that his neck hurt too bad to BD. WTH? So I did the only thing there was left to do...said "fine" and went to bed.

I don't know why I am so pissed anyway. It's not like we were really going to get pregnant this time. I guess that little four letter word called "hope" crept into my life while I was busy doing other things. Sometimes I hate that word. I feel like my life is better without it...well when it relates to babymakin' and such.

Of course my EWCM is drying up so I know that I did O already and everytime I think about it I just get so upset. Just for the simple fact that we didn't try when we could have. And for the fact that yet another month passes me by and I am STILL.NOT.PREGNANT! When will this madness end already?

I really wish God would just have mercy on me with this one. I really don't ask for much and I don't think that asking for a family is wrong or out of his will. I just don't know anymore. I am so tired of this struggle and I long for the day when it is over. I'm angry and hurt and just plain sad.

Spotting and Such...

I started spotting last night which is not good at this point in the game. I wish I could stay positive and give you all good news. I wish this could have been a post about how I POAS and saw two beautiful lines..but it is not.

I did POAS yesterday and there was obviously...only one line. Proceed with spotting yields AF's arrival. I am beyond myself as to why after a perfect cycle did I not get the desired results. Three eggs and 8 million sperm placed right at their doorstep and still..nothing.

I don't know where we will go from here. We have one more attempt before the doctor will say no more IUI's. I can't believe we have already done two. I have mixed feelings mostly desperation because of the fact that we may be in that rare percent that doesn't benefit from an IUI. God where will we go when we have no money for IVF.

I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. More detail tomorrow after I take my final HPT. Prayers are requested!

The Results Are In

My progesterone level was at 26.9 which is good considering I had 3 mature eggs. Now we wait....

And just for kicks my symptoms so far:

• Major activity in my lower abdomen including dull cramps,twinges, pricks, heaviness, and just overall weirdness.
• Sore breasts including the nipples
• Constipation
• Increased thirst

Bleeding, Bedrest, and BETA's

IUI's are complete. I am still thinking back to my first IUI. When I was so excited and carefree. When the RE did the procedure himself and all I got was a little bit of spotting. These two IUI's were completely different. They sort of made me not want to do them again. Maybe I am just a wuss...yeah that is probably it!

IUI#1 was done by the IVF coordinator. She is very impersonable to begin with and I have never been fond of her. First of all, a speculum is not enjoyable no matter how gentle you try to be. Imagine my surprise when the IVF coordinator rammed it up my va jay jay. OUCH! At least the cathether went in smoothly...semi smoothly. Needless to say I had some bleeding afterwards which I wasn't happy about. And Babe's count was only 4 million post wash. *Sigh*

IUI #2 was done by the NP who I love very dearly. I was praying that I would get her or the RE because I just knew she would be gentle. And she was...at least until she decided to inject the specimen so forcefully that my uterus actually cramped up. Yes you heard me correctly. Again I had some bleeding afterwards and quite a bit more than the first time. I didn't expect to get too much cramping so when I couldn't stand up b/c of the immense pressure in my lower abdomen I really freaked out. I went home, took two tylenol, and put myself on strict bedrest! Today I feel much better.

Babe's count was 4 million post wash this time too. At least it didn't decrease, right? *Double sigh* The only hope I have right now is coming from all my internet friends and the RE's office. The NP actually said that between the two days the numbers were enough to produce a pregnancy and especially since I had three ripe eggs. She was very confident that I would get pregnant this time which was a nice change from the last time. My internet friends are so good with the encouragement and as they so dutifully remind me..."It only takes one".

On another note: My BETA is scheduled for Friday 4/10 which is conveniently the same day that AF is due. This is also Good Friday which may be a good sign. Babe and I are planning a weekend getaway so I am already preparing myself for the worst. I will be getting drunk if nothing else.

Even better than before!

Good Morning friends,

Let me just say that I am so proud of my scholarly ovaries. As if 2 mature follicles weren't enough last time...yes friends the ovaries have done it again. I have 3 mature follicles this go round. Two are measuring at 19 and one at 21. This has got to be it!

I was like a proud mama this morning as the IVF coordinator told me my scan was beautiful. Lining is good and I have some nice plump eggs. We are anticipating that my estrogen level will be just as nice and hopefully my progesterone will be better than the last time. I felt like walking out of there with my chest stuck out and I did!

The doctor came in personally to talk to me about the risk of multiples. I almost chuckled in his face because hello..I would be happy to get how many ever God chooses me to house in my warm cozy uterus. But I held it back and just politely said, "Yes, we are fine with those risks and we do want to proceed".

Just for kicks...I have a 5% chance for triplets, 10% chance for twins, and 20% chance for a singleton. I would be ecstatic with just one but I don't really care if it is more at this point. Also they mentioned that my progesterone last time was a bit borderline considering I had two eggs last time. I'm sure it will be much better this time.

So my IUI is scheduled for tomorrow at 10 and Friday at 10. Pray for me and Babe!

Fed Up with Fed Ex

Fed Ex can kiss it! I am so ticked off with them right now...they are unbelievable. I verified my HCG order on Saturday and they shipped it out on Sunday to arrive today. The lovely fertility pharmacy...most of you know which company I am speaking of...are always so nice and they specifically placed attn:leasing office so I wouldn't have any trouble.

Well I told my supervisor I needed to leave 30 minutes early so I could get my package. I called the leasing office and they said that the package hadn't arrived. I thought it was weird but I just figured it would come tomorrow. Well I called Babe as I usually do and he said I missed my package delivery.

So I call Fed Ex and Mr. Rudepants proceeds to tell me that he couldn't deliver the package to the office because it has to be signed specifically by me or "someone" in #106. O.....K..... So I tried to tell him that this wasn't the first time I had gotten this specific package from this specific company but the jerk cuts me off and says that "THIS" package can't be delivered from the front office. So I am royally pissed by now..I am steaming and slightly borderline panicked.

Well I tell him that I am going to call the company and have them handle it. Well I called and boy were they pissed. The lady said that it was the first time they have ever done that and that she was going to get a manager on the phone if they give her any guff. Well she said that she would only call back if she had trouble and I didn't get a call back so....

We will see what happens tomorrow.

Countdown to follie check

In case you haven't noticed...there is this cute little widget on the sidebar of my blog page that is counting down the days to my follie check. I am consumed with several different emotions right now. Scared, Excited, Nervous, Anxious...and the list goes on and on. I can't help but replay my last treatment cycle in the back of my mind. Over and over...like that movie Groundhog Day. Also, I am trying to keep from adding too much pressure on Babe with the whole "Take your effing Clomid gosh dang it because hell if I can remember Clomid, 1 baby asprin, 1 folic acid pill, and 1 prenatal, then surely you can remember to take a measley 1/2 a pill a day...geeze"

So I took the pills out of the blister pack and even cut them in 1/2 for him while lovingly mentioning that they were on the counter...pre cut. I am a bit frustrated by this but I know he is under loads of pressure right now from other life events so I am really, really trying to behave and not go on a rampage about him forgetting his meds. Really...am I being that unreasonable? It's....1/2 of a pill!!!! Anyway...I am off my soap box now.

In other news...I really tried not to let anyone at work know about the upcoming treatment cycle but somehow everyone seemed to have figured it out. But then again I guess it isn't that hard when I had to put in for three days in a freakin' row. I just hate the pressure of having to tell everyone after the TWW is up of the results. I do feel better prepared for whatever results we will get after this treatment cycle. I just can't wait to get these IUI's on the road.