Has Anyone Seen My Stork?

Where to begin...

2010-01-22T11:16:00.002-05:00

Wow...just wow! I can't believe it has been that long since I have updated my blog. There have been so many ups and downs. This journey has certainly been one full of hopes, excitement, dreams, disappointments, prayers, anger, and utter depression. For those of you who have followed me from the beginning of my journey, I sincerely say THANK YOU! Thank you for your love and support and most importantly your prayers.

I remember when I first began this blogging thing...I remember how excited I was to be able to put my thoughts somewhere. Then I started getting readers and I began reading other blogs. I had a list of about 20 blogs which I followed religiously. Then I remember the feeling I had when I realized that it was taking longer and longer for me to become pregnant. I remember one by one by one that list of 20 became smaller because although I was happy for each and every one of these women, I was stricken with sadness for myself.

Then I remember the day when I realized that out of that list of 20 there were only 2 who were still fighting to become pregnant. That feeling is why I chose to create a new blog. So if you have been following me and you are interested in my life then let me know and I will send you the link to my new blog.

Love and Blessings to everyone~

Still Waiting...

2009-10-09T21:02:00.002-04:00

That's all I have to say about that. Testing will commence in two days unless something else happens otherwise.

Quick Update

2009-10-06T15:45:00.002-04:00

As of today I am still free from my "monthly gift". Tomorrow is the last day before I test. If I miss tomorrow, I know that something is up. Either I am knocked up or I have those god forsaken cysts again and we are going through a repeat of 2007. (Roll Eyes)

I had a 34 day cycle last month which was atypical and I thought I may have been preggo. I have had a 28 day cycle for the past year and all of a sudden it is all screwed up. I am thinking I may have O'd late but I know if I do not get AF tomorrow something is definitely up. Tomorrow will make CD36....

Do you know what sucks about not using OPK's

2009-10-02T15:17:00.001-04:00

...when you miss AF you don't know if it is because you are pregnant or if you just ovulated later than usual. CRAP! I guess I need to buy some pregnancy tests, huh?

I touched her belly...

2009-10-02T15:13:00.002-04:00

And felt her baby move. It was the most amazing experience EVER!!! On the other hand, it was just another sad reminder of what isn't in my life. After it happened, I almost cried. The feeling was so overwhelming and amazing and depressing all at the same time. I don't know what is in our future. I don't know if I will ever get the opportunity to experience what she is experiencing right now. It is that feeling that I would always long for...

I'll take IVF for...how much Alex?

2009-09-22T16:44:00.008-04:00

Recently I have been so consumed with work and more work that I haven't even had time to focus on the fact that Babe and I are STILL not pregnant nor will we be pregnant anytime soon. Yes I know that statement was rather bleak and grim but the truth hurts.

There is however some hope and it all started out with my FIL suggesting that we try the whole "IVF Vacation" deal. I must admit, it did sound like a pretty sweet deal. Babe and I were thinking either Barbados or Mexico. And so...my new hobby became researching hundreds of medical travel companies. We were pretty set and next year we were planning to head to Mexico.

But everyone knows how the internet works. You start out with one thing and it just sucks you in. This was however, one time which I didn't mind being sucked in. After more research I discovered the Mini IVF or Mini Stim. The Mini Stim is where they use Clomid and a small amount of injectible meds to stimulate the ovaries. The point is to only get enough eggs for a fresh transfer. So, two or three max. I felt this was good for me because I stim very well on clomid so I shouldn't have any issues there

And best of all....It's only $5900 plus a few hundred for meds. The reason it is cheaper than traditional IVF is because you are not using nearly as much medicine therefore you save thousands. We will be having a consult with the clinic either over Christmas break or Spring break. I anticipate having the funds by June at the latest.

Needless to say Babe and I ARE.SO.FREAKING.EXCITED!!!!

Who is that knocking on my chamber door?

2009-07-29T19:02:00.003-04:00

Oh look...it's lovely AF. She is like that bad relative that always invites themselves to your house and never wants to leave. Uggh so annoying! So as a recap...

No, using the OPK's didn't work for us this time
No, using the Soy Iso hasn't worked for us in the past three months
No, laying on my back and actually falling asleep after BD didn't work for us this time
No, squeezing my va jay jay muscles together all night to keep it in didn't work for us this time
Heck No, trying to get pregnant by any method hasn't worked for us in the past year.

YIKES! It scares the C-R-A-P outta me knowing that we have been "not preventing" since 2007 and "actively trying" since 2008. I tell you what though, this au natural thing isn't really working for me. Time to move on and try the Clomid again. Maybe it will work for us both this time. We have also been seriously considering doing one more IUI. Who knows...third time might just be a charm.

In other news: The diaper cake business is coming along...thanks to my friend Jess. You are the bomb girlfriend! I have several requests for the upcoming months and I know that will bring me more requests...I need some business cards, LOL!

In teaching news: My first set of classes are hectic! Mostly because it is a lot of work but also because I don't really know a whole lot about the subject matter. Yes, it is weird that I am teaching a class for which I know nothing about the content. But hey, I have a MBA and I'm smart so I guess they saw something in me. Hopefully, I will be offered a PT postition.

New Home Based Business

2009-07-19T18:14:00.002-04:00

......Diaper Cakes!!! So if you know anyone who is preggo then think of me. I have a new blog dedicated to it so take a look at my very first cake. I think it is pretty good for a first attempt.

Check it out: http://pampermecakes.blogspot.com

Survey Says....

2009-07-15T19:49:00.001-04:00

Negative. So that means my surge is done and I am probably O'ing or already O'd. My CM has already started to dry up which is usually my main indicator that I have O'd. So with that being said...

Excuse me while I go make a baby!

Positively Positive

2009-07-14T14:54:00.005-04:00

My IRL friend "D" and I decided that we would purchase the CBE Digital OPK's this month. It was a very ironic situation that happened to us which leads me to feel that we are both going to get our BFP's this month. So the story goes...

Last month D and I had our cycles almost a week apart. So we searched on the internet for the best price for the CBED because let's face it...Drugstores are a ripoff. D found her's for around 24 bucks and mine was around 18 bucks. Her OPK's arrived on Saturday and she took the first one which was...positive.

So naturally, because I have been doing this whole baby making thing for a year now I figured I had my cycle down pat. I watch my CM, wait for O pains, and time intercourse just so. I don't really need the OPK's but since Babe saw the commercial on TV then I got them. My OPK's arrived on Monday and just out of sheer curiousity, I decided to take one. Imagine my utter shock when the test came back...

So I popped the strip out and evaluated the lines. Humm close but I would not have judged that as a positive if it were just a regular line test. So I texted Babe and told him we have the green light. Today, I decided I would test again just to see if it was a fluke or something. After all I always ovulate on the 15th day of my cycle right....

WRONG AGAIN....The test at 2pm today showed another

And once again I wanted to see what the lines read. It was a definite positive! Here is the progression of the test from yesterday and today @ CD11 and CD12.

So what do I make out of all of this? Well it is simple really...I may or may not have been timing my BD sessions right. When you do something so much sometimes you get complacent. Well, I should have been using these smiley face kits all along because I am convinced that it may be just one part of the reason we haven't become pregnant yet. I suspect the soy iso has something to do with this early ovulation!

An Award...For Me?

2009-07-13T10:32:00.003-04:00

Wow! I am floored! Thank You a million and one times to Jess (http://www.babyparamore.blogspot.com/) who gave me this wonderful award. I can't honestly say that I thought my blog would inspire anyone nor did I realize that anyone was really reading it. It is nice to know that someone cares. Again, Thanks!

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging

2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"

3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

7 Blogs that are interesting and engaging...

Jenn: http://www.jennepper.com/
Wifezzilla: http://wifezzilla.blogspot.com/
JackieMac: http://whenohwhenwillitbe.blogspot.com/
PJ: http://infertilityonthebrain.blogspot.com/
Murgdan: http://murgdan.blogspot.com/
Megan: http://bottomsoffandonthetable.blogspot.com/
Lindsay: http://itisntthateasy.blogspot.com/

10 honest things about ME

I am really very self conscious. I know that I am a beautie but for some reason I can't stand to look at myself most times.
I love to cook...so passionately so that I will open up a restaurant one day.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life even though I pretend that I haven't.
I often feel that my IF is caused by my mistakes and that I am being punished.
I want to experience the joys of pregnancy so much so that I often ball clothes up and make myself a mock belly. I know it isn't normal but I don't give a shit.
I love attention!
I am a giver. I give to others more than I should and I often neglect my well being because of this.
I don't like people who pass judgement on others due to their beliefs. It really irritates me!
I have a jealous nature.
IF has brought me to this low place that I NEVER thought I would see. It has also made me stronger.

My Saturday

2009-07-11T15:57:00.002-04:00

Today I have done nothing but purchase baby items for my co worker "E" and watch "A Baby Story" all day. I know it seems weird but, it is the only thing I have right now. I have been in "Baby Mode" for the whole week. Probably because I am close to O'ing. In any event...I really need to try not to go overboard with the money spending. I did it when my SIL became preggo and now that I know what "E" is having, I just bought a whole bunch of blue stuff for her shower.

I also wanted to send a formal Thanks to Jess, who began following my blog faithfully a few months ago. Thank you for your support and I am so sorry about your loss.

Babe and I had an interesting conversation today. It went like this..

Babe: Do we have any fertility pills left. (Referring to Clomid)
Me: No but the Rx is still fillable at Walgreens.
Me: Why? Do you want me to take them?
Babe: Yeah, can you?
Me: I could....but I shouldn't without monitoring. We would end up with quads!
Babe: (shrugs) Well at least we could have them all at once and be done.

Disclaimer: I would like to let you all know that I would NEVER consider doing this. But I did think about it...deeply... for a brief moment.

In other non baby related news: I will begin teaching my first two online classes in 2 weeks. I can't believe it. I am excited and a bit nervous now because a lot of time has lapsed since the training and the classes. I am sure I will do fine.

Why I Love My Husband

2009-07-06T19:05:00.002-04:00

Let me start off by saying that Babe and I haven't always seen eye to eye on things. We both have family and career on two very different levels of importance. But recently, Babe has become more aware of how IF sucks and the difficulty that I face on a daily basis.

We had already been discussing the sheer gall of people nowadays. How many times does one person have to ask about us having babies. Sometimes, I think it is funny to them to watch us squirm as we try to diplomatically answer their questions. Other times, I think that they know we are having trouble and they just want us to confirm so that the gossip train can start.

Recently, Babe and I were at the gas station and ran into someone who I knew would ask about our babymaking efforts. I can spot them a mile away, really I can, and this one had it written all over her face. I put on a fake smile and greeted her as Babe continued to pump gas. No sooner than the hug was exchanged it happened...

Her: So whats going on with the babies?
Me: Huh?
Her: Why is it taking so long? It's been forever. What's going on with you guys? When are you going to have a baby?
Me: (Deer in Headlights Look)
Babe: Well, we are just having fun right now.
Her: (Slightly uncomfortable with the visual I'm sure) Oh okay well do your thing then. I was just thinking that it is taking a long time.
Babe: Yeah we are really enjoying the practice.
Me: (Still staring with that DIH look)..Chuckle.
Babe: Diverts the conversation elsewhere.

Phew...I told Babe that I was very grateful that he saved me because I almost died there. He agreed and said that he noticed I was stuck and in distress so he decided to jump in. If I never appreciated my husbands quick witt, I surely did this day. Thanks Babe...that was a close one!

In other news: I am doing one more cycle of Soy before I break. There is no real way to tell if it is helping or not since my issue was mainly discovered by ultrasound. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am one of those women who do ovulate regularly and AF arrives right on time but I don't ever know if the ovulation is strong enough for a pregnancy. Since this is the month that marks our first year of ttc after the official diagnosis, I will be using OPK's along with the soy. If no BFP this month, I will gingerly bring up another IUI to Babe. I feel like it's time.

Rounding the Year Mark and Still No Baby

2009-07-03T19:48:00.003-04:00

Since my last post I have gone MIA. I have been around, but things got too stressful with the IUI's and BFN's and all that jazz in between. Babe and I decided to take a mental break from it all. We are now trying things the natural way and although there hasn't been much success, it is a little less stressful on our relationship.

Since my last post I have also:

Had a SIL who gave birth to a baby girl

Found out that Babe's cousin was pregnant

Found out that a co worker is pregnant

Found out that said co worker's SIL is pregnant with #2

Found out that an internet friend is pregnant with #2

Endured Mother's Day

Endured Father's Day

Endured at least 20 people asking me on 20 different occasions when we were going to have kids.

I am proud to announce that I am still here and stronger than before. But who am I kidding really? Everyone knows that infertility breaks a persons spirit. I am okay with that but it is a hard pill to swallow to see Babe's spirit broken. He is my stregnth and my protector. But recently, he has been clearly expressive about the "unfairness" of it all. I do believe he is finally "getting it". Unfortunately, "getting it" doesn't get us a baby.

Next month will be another year for us. It will probably be the hardest month to see a BFN. We both had a reflection today. How is it possible that there are millions of women out there who don't want children and yet keep having them so easily while millions of women who do want children can't have them at all? Babies being born to teens who are just babies themselves. Babies being born to drug addicts. But, yet women who have good jobs and are financially stable, highly educated, warm loving hearts, suffer with the curse of infertility? Life is royally screwed!

Oh and Have a Happy Fourth of July!

It's not like we really had a chance anyway...so why am I so pissed?

2009-04-24T12:34:00.002-04:00

I will tell you why. Because last night I felt the strongest O pains in my life (other than when I am on Clomid) and Babe decided that he was too tired and that his neck hurt too bad to BD. WTH? So I did the only thing there was left to do...said "fine" and went to bed.

I don't know why I am so pissed anyway. It's not like we were really going to get pregnant this time. I guess that little four letter word called "hope" crept into my life while I was busy doing other things. Sometimes I hate that word. I feel like my life is better without it...well when it relates to babymakin' and such.

Of course my EWCM is drying up so I know that I did O already and everytime I think about it I just get so upset. Just for the simple fact that we didn't try when we could have. And for the fact that yet another month passes me by and I am STILL.NOT.PREGNANT! When will this madness end already?

I really wish God would just have mercy on me with this one. I really don't ask for much and I don't think that asking for a family is wrong or out of his will. I just don't know anymore. I am so tired of this struggle and I long for the day when it is over. I'm angry and hurt and just plain sad.

Spotting and Such...

2009-04-08T09:31:00.005-04:00

I started spotting last night which is not good at this point in the game. I wish I could stay positive and give you all good news. I wish this could have been a post about how I POAS and saw two beautiful lines..but it is not.

I did POAS yesterday and there was obviously...only one line. Proceed with spotting yields AF's arrival. I am beyond myself as to why after a perfect cycle did I not get the desired results. Three eggs and 8 million sperm placed right at their doorstep and still..nothing.

I don't know where we will go from here. We have one more attempt before the doctor will say no more IUI's. I can't believe we have already done two. I have mixed feelings mostly desperation because of the fact that we may be in that rare percent that doesn't benefit from an IUI. God where will we go when we have no money for IVF.

I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. More detail tomorrow after I take my final HPT. Prayers are requested!

The Results Are In

2009-04-06T13:16:00.004-04:00

My progesterone level was at 26.9 which is good considering I had 3 mature eggs. Now we wait....

And just for kicks my symptoms so far:

Major activity in my lower abdomen including dull cramps,twinges, pricks, heaviness, and just overall weirdness.
Sore breasts including the nipples
Constipation
Increased thirst

Bleeding, Bedrest, and BETA's

2009-03-28T09:58:00.013-04:00

IUI's are complete. I am still thinking back to my first IUI. When I was so excited and carefree. When the RE did the procedure himself and all I got was a little bit of spotting. These two IUI's were completely different. They sort of made me not want to do them again. Maybe I am just a wuss...yeah that is probably it!

IUI#1 was done by the IVF coordinator. She is very impersonable to begin with and I have never been fond of her. First of all, a speculum is not enjoyable no matter how gentle you try to be. Imagine my surprise when the IVF coordinator rammed it up my va jay jay. OUCH! At least the cathether went in smoothly...semi smoothly. Needless to say I had some bleeding afterwards which I wasn't happy about. And Babe's count was only 4 million post wash. *Sigh*

IUI #2 was done by the NP who I love very dearly. I was praying that I would get her or the RE because I just knew she would be gentle. And she was...at least until she decided to inject the specimen so forcefully that my uterus actually cramped up. Yes you heard me correctly. Again I had some bleeding afterwards and quite a bit more than the first time. I didn't expect to get too much cramping so when I couldn't stand up b/c of the immense pressure in my lower abdomen I really freaked out. I went home, took two tylenol, and put myself on strict bedrest! Today I feel much better.

Babe's count was 4 million post wash this time too. At least it didn't decrease, right? *Double sigh* The only hope I have right now is coming from all my internet friends and the RE's office. The NP actually said that between the two days the numbers were enough to produce a pregnancy and especially since I had three ripe eggs. She was very confident that I would get pregnant this time which was a nice change from the last time. My internet friends are so good with the encouragement and as they so dutifully remind me..."It only takes one".

On another note: My BETA is scheduled for Friday 4/10 which is conveniently the same day that AF is due. This is also Good Friday which may be a good sign. Babe and I are planning a weekend getaway so I am already preparing myself for the worst. I will be getting drunk if nothing else.

Even better than before!

2009-03-25T10:43:00.003-04:00

Good Morning friends,

Let me just say that I am so proud of my scholarly ovaries. As if 2 mature follicles weren't enough last time...yes friends the ovaries have done it again. I have 3 mature follicles this go round. Two are measuring at 19 and one at 21. This has got to be it!

I was like a proud mama this morning as the IVF coordinator told me my scan was beautiful. Lining is good and I have some nice plump eggs. We are anticipating that my estrogen level will be just as nice and hopefully my progesterone will be better than the last time. I felt like walking out of there with my chest stuck out and I did!

The doctor came in personally to talk to me about the risk of multiples. I almost chuckled in his face because hello..I would be happy to get how many ever God chooses me to house in my warm cozy uterus. But I held it back and just politely said, "Yes, we are fine with those risks and we do want to proceed".

Just for kicks...I have a 5% chance for triplets, 10% chance for twins, and 20% chance for a singleton. I would be ecstatic with just one but I don't really care if it is more at this point. Also they mentioned that my progesterone last time was a bit borderline considering I had two eggs last time. I'm sure it will be much better this time.

So my IUI is scheduled for tomorrow at 10 and Friday at 10. Pray for me and Babe!

Fed Up with Fed Ex

2009-03-23T20:32:00.002-04:00

Fed Ex can kiss it! I am so ticked off with them right now...they are unbelievable. I verified my HCG order on Saturday and they shipped it out on Sunday to arrive today. The lovely fertility pharmacy...most of you know which company I am speaking of...are always so nice and they specifically placed attn:leasing office so I wouldn't have any trouble.

Well I told my supervisor I needed to leave 30 minutes early so I could get my package. I called the leasing office and they said that the package hadn't arrived. I thought it was weird but I just figured it would come tomorrow. Well I called Babe as I usually do and he said I missed my package delivery.

So I call Fed Ex and Mr. Rudepants proceeds to tell me that he couldn't deliver the package to the office because it has to be signed specifically by me or "someone" in #106. O.....K..... So I tried to tell him that this wasn't the first time I had gotten this specific package from this specific company but the jerk cuts me off and says that "THIS" package can't be delivered from the front office. So I am royally pissed by now..I am steaming and slightly borderline panicked.

Well I tell him that I am going to call the company and have them handle it. Well I called and boy were they pissed. The lady said that it was the first time they have ever done that and that she was going to get a manager on the phone if they give her any guff. Well she said that she would only call back if she had trouble and I didn't get a call back so....

We will see what happens tomorrow.

Countdown to follie check

2009-03-23T15:39:00.004-04:00

In case you haven't noticed...there is this cute little widget on the sidebar of my blog page that is counting down the days to my follie check. I am consumed with several different emotions right now. Scared, Excited, Nervous, Anxious...and the list goes on and on. I can't help but replay my last treatment cycle in the back of my mind. Over and over...like that movie Groundhog Day. Also, I am trying to keep from adding too much pressure on Babe with the whole "Take your effing Clomid gosh dang it because hell if I can remember Clomid, 1 baby asprin, 1 folic acid pill, and 1 prenatal, then surely you can remember to take a measley 1/2 a pill a day...geeze"

So I took the pills out of the blister pack and even cut them in 1/2 for him while lovingly mentioning that they were on the counter...pre cut. I am a bit frustrated by this but I know he is under loads of pressure right now from other life events so I am really, really trying to behave and not go on a rampage about him forgetting his meds. Really...am I being that unreasonable? It's....1/2 of a pill!!!! Anyway...I am off my soap box now.

In other news...I really tried not to let anyone at work know about the upcoming treatment cycle but somehow everyone seemed to have figured it out. But then again I guess it isn't that hard when I had to put in for three days in a freakin' row. I just hate the pressure of having to tell everyone after the TWW is up of the results. I do feel better prepared for whatever results we will get after this treatment cycle. I just can't wait to get these IUI's on the road.

Moving on and moving up

2009-03-17T21:53:00.003-04:00

Excuse me while I bore you with the details from the doctor's appointment today. I'm not complaining because I always like to keep my ultrasound dates as short as possible but I did want to make mention of how ridiculous IF is.

Said girl drives an hour to RE.
Said girl waits in waiting room for 5 minutes.
Said girl has her date with the ultrasound wand (for a total of 4 minutes)
Said girl receives Clomid prescription, HCG paperwork, and next appointment.
Said girl shells out $300.00 for a 30 minute appointment.
Said girl drives an hour back home and wonders when it will ever get easier and more convenient for her since she is the one suffering with IF.

So as you can see, the appointment was pretty boring and routine. I have just been thinking about how fast a treatment cycle flies and how slow a natural cycle crawls. I can't believe I will be going back on next Wednesday for my mid cycle scan and possibly be inseminated Thursday and Friday of...gulp...Next Week!

In other news...Clomid seems to be taking effect much faster as I am already breaking out in a sweat while typing this update. I only took my first pill today..geeze! Well I will have more for you next week and hopefully I won't have the luxury of blogging about my s/e of this devil drug.

Envy is not cute.

2009-03-11T15:48:00.007-04:00

Envy is not a quality that I tend to exhibit. But today I am releasing my inhibitions. Why you ask? Well apparently I have what is called pregnancy envy. Well that isn't something that should shock any of you all because hey..we are dealing with infertility here. But what is even more sad is that not only do I have pregnancy envy but I also have bump envy.

Yes you heard me...double envy. I am ashamed. If anyone is curious about the difference read this article.

I am expriencing the beginning of AF. She is so freakin' aggravating. Why won't she just leave me alone? On top of this...I learned last night that the whole TTC and infertility thing is affecting my marriage negatively. And of course because I am a magnet towards ironic situations I also learned today that two more girls on one of my boards are pregnant. I am happy for them but so so sad for myself. Sad because I still don't know what it feels like to see two lines. Sad because I have never had the experience of surprising my husband and watching his face light up and his chest stick out. Sad because our relationship is suffering and we have so much love for each other...why can't we have a baby to share all that love with? Sad because I don't think that anyone in this world can understand what I am feeling except for those who unfortunately are also in my shoes.

And in other news...

Today I cried. I usually cry when something upsets me or when I have a fight with my husband or when I realize that I have just gone through yet another failed cycle. But today I didn't cry for any of these reasons...no I cried because of someone else's happiness. I cried because I found out someone was pregnant. This....has never happened before. I can usually smile it off or ernestly be happy for them....not today. This....is how I know that it may be time to re evaluate things. It may be time to take a break.

Slacker

2009-03-09T11:51:00.002-04:00

I know I have not been posting to my blog but the truth is that I haven't really had anything interesting to say. I have however had so many people asking me to update my blog which was surprising because hey...I didn't know you cared so much!

I am in a transitional phase right now. We took the month off from treatments because 1) Babe wanted to and 2) Because my mental state really needed a vacation. So obviously I am not all that excited about the outcome of this month but I have had several symptoms that threw me off for a bit. I'm back now.

Since I have no clue when I actually ovulated..yes I know that is probably shocking for most of you all to believe since I am the ovulation expert, I have no clue when I will be getting AF. I am assuming that by the EWCM and pinches I probably O'd sometime around the 25th of February. And yes, that was waaaaay early for me. And by that assumption I can only deduce that I will get AF on Wednesday. I will say that I am secretly hoping she lost her directions.

The good news is that if she does find her way to my house then I will be preparing to enter another month of fun fertility treatments...Yay. Hopefully the second time will be the ticket. I'll keep everyone posted.

Left Behind

2009-02-18T16:20:00.002-05:00

It's funny what infertility can do to a person. After I was Punk'd last night I began thinking about how I feel like I am being Left Behind...and not in the religious sense although I am sure I need some help in that department too. I remember joining a board a while back and the 6 of us became good friends. So good in fact that we ditched the board and started emailing each other every day. As I reflected back on those days I realized that 4 of them have become pregnant, 2 of those 4 have given birth. Not that I am not happy for them, especially B who so wrongly was denied the joy of her first pregnancy. But I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

I am also in a group of women who are undergoing IUI and IVF cycles. 3 of them, already pregnant within the first month of us getting to know each other. 2 of those 3, it was their first cycle. I am happy for them but, I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

Babe and I have friends who are newly married and most of who did no planning to have a baby. Most of them have become pregnant, some of them pregnant with their second. Some of them it was a shock, some of them weren't even happy about it. I am happy for them but, I still can't help but feel...so left behind.

It's like being back in High School. Every popular girl belongs to "that club". A club I so desprately wanted to be a part of. And yet almost 10 years later I am dreading going to my class reunion because I don't want to be that unpopular girl again. The one who has friends that can intermingle with the in crowd and leaves me, behind. I want to be a part of that club, the one where conversations consist of changing diapers and breastfeeding, labor stories, and pregnancy symptoms. And yet here I am in the background, once again...left behind.

I found this article and I wanted to include it in my blog entry because it was so fitting. In order to do this properly I know I needed to acknowledge the author. So thanks to Sharon van Wyke for your article on LBS. It really hit home and helped me to realize that I am not left behind...alone.

http://www.exhalezine.com/january_2009/leftbehindsyndrome.html

How's this for Irony?

2009-02-17T18:26:00.004-05:00

Have any of you looked in the dictionary lately under the word irony? Yeah...tell me was my picture there? No...seriously was my picture there? I'll bet you it was because apparently my life it the epitomy of irony. Today was the motherload of all ironic situations. I.AM.SPEECHLESS.

For you see today I had decided that it was time to let out all my bottled up frustrations. Frustrations from this past failed cycle, from my DH's low numbers, from the Jesus conversation with my mother last night, from a surprising comment that we need to relax from my dad, from my DH making me move our appointment yet again...just from everything. And just when I thought that it could not possibly get any worse.

As I am on my way home in tears I tell God that I am just one step away..just one more "surprise we're pregant" person away from loosing it. And I stop by the mailbox and pull out the mail and walk in to my DH on the phone. He hugs me and the tears are just streaming down my face. And I'm just so close to just loosing it...just having a pure mental breakdown. And he hangs up and says "You will never guess..." And I already know what's coming. So I said, "Go ahead and tell me...it can't get any worse than it already is" And I don't know if it is because I deserve to be tortured or if it is because I am a bad person or that maybe somehow Karma if there is such a thing found me but God Almighty you have got to be kidding me!

DH tells me his friend CF and his wife just found out they are preganant. And all I can say is Holy Mary Mother Freaking WOW! Please someone tell me...Am I being punked? No seriously...Ashton Kutcher better come running out of my bedroom right now because this crap is NOT funny. This is the worst most cruel twist of nature I have ever experienced. And oh no it doesn't stop there...because my life is so funny, I open the package I got in the mail and Surprise! My Pregnancy Tests that I ordered to test for Valentines Day arrived...today...5 days late...in the middle of one of the worst days yet. I feel so special...

And because my wonderful husband wanted to add fuel to the fire he says "we just need to have more sex". Sure honey...let's try that! Because God it's not like we have been trying that for all these months. Are you kidding me?

Baby or Bust!

2009-02-16T15:32:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately this cycle was a Bust! A failure! A complete and utter disaster! Ok that last one was a bit much but you do get my drift. I had all day cramping on Thursday which lead to spotting on Friday. I was so down and Babe was so speechless. I think he almost cried but he'd kill me if he knew I said that. Nature decided to bring me my monthly gift right on time but not without a little taunting first. You see the spotting mocked IB and was non existant on Saturday which led me to believe that maybe I was pregnant after all. But alas, as a cruel twist of nature AF arrived promptly on Sunday afternoon....witch!

So many people have asked me how I am doing and if I am okay...I feel special, I really do. The support has been tremendous. Thank You everyone. We have not decided if we will use this cycle to recoup or if we will jump right back into treatment. I am opting for the latter but Babe is fighting strong for the break. I think it was just too much for him to handle.

We have an appointment with the RE on Wednesday so I will most likely update everyone then. If we do choose to proceed then I will have my CD3 u/s done Wednesday and begin Clomid that day as well. I think I feel the need to press on and set my sights on the prize in order to keep my mind off of the disappointment of this past cycle. It's hard and it hurts but...I am strong. I know we can do this with the proper support.

Two down, Two Week Wait to Go!

2009-02-01T20:42:00.003-05:00

The second IUI was successfully completed this morning at 10:30. Unfortunately, Babe's count was even lower today at 1 million post wash. *SIGH* this is really getting frustrating. The RE was very concerned about our success for this cycle and mentioned discussing "other" options if the cycle fails. Read: I'm sorry guys IUI really isn't a good option for these counts..you may want to consider IVF. Geeze...just what we need, a more expensive procedure.

We definitely can't afford IVF so we are praying hard that God gives us a miracle. Otherwise, I guess it is back to trying au natural until something happens. So we are on to the two week wait. I don't know how I feel going into these next two weeks. I know I have to believe with all my heart that this procedure works. That is all I have to hold on to right now. I know if we get a negative then we can try again because we can always save but now the issue becomes more difficult because the doctor feels that IUI is no longer our best option. What else can I say...Infertility is very depressing.

Easy as 1-2-3

2009-01-31T17:00:00.001-05:00

Yes I had my feet up in stirrups but it may have been the best "babymaking" sex I have ever had. Not really...but the IUI was quick and painless. Babe and I arrived at the clinic on Saturday morning at 9:30am. They checked us in, told us to get some breakfast, and be back in an hour. We did what they said.

An hour later we were back and before I could blink, I was naked from the waist down with my feet in stirrups and the doctor between my legs. At least he was cordial and I thought about having a smoke afterwards. The IUI was nothing more than a pap. I didn't feel the cathedar going in nor did I feel the introduction of the semen into my uterus. It went off without a hitch!

There were however some downfalls. First, Babe's count was way low at 2 million post wash. The doctor was not happy about that. Second, I did have some cramping and spotting after the procedure. Third, we had to do it all over again the next day and pray for better counts...To be continued!

If you look in the dictionary....

2009-01-30T23:00:00.000-05:00

...under the word wimp, there you shall find my picture. Let me preface this story by saying that I DID have a video for you but with the excitement of mixing the HCG, icing my butt, and receiving my injection I just couldn't pull it off. There was way too much going on! So I will try to break the experience up into parts so that you can in fact get the full effect of what happened last night.

HCG Trigger ~ Part 1 with Pictures

At 9:00pm after several of my friends promised me that it would be okay, I told the hubby that I was going to mix the injection. We had gone back and forth because for some reason he wanted to mix. Well I told him if he wanted to narrate the video then go ahead and mix...not surprisingly he declined. So I began to film with the ice pack shoved in my shorts and my anxiety running high. Immediately I began having issues with the medication. The stupid suction was pulling the plunger up past the 1cc line and I couldn't get it right, so I stopped the video and called the hubby to help. Finally I got it and started the video again. Then I injected the biostatic water into the HCG powder and began drawing the medication into the syringe. I began having problems...again. So I stopped the video and Babe and I worked together to get the meds into the syringe. I switched the needle to the 25 gauge and then decided that this video was not going to happen! Instead...I have included some pictures of the mixing and preparing the needle.

1 cc of Biostatic solution

Injecting 1cc solution into powder HCG

Drawing 1 cc mixed HCG solution

HCG Trigger ~ Part 2

I handed Babe the alcohol swab and the needle and went to lay on the bed. He wiped the area and let it dry. That's when it happened. I had a complete panic attack! I began crying and I couldn't breathe. I told him I couldn't do it and I felt that I needed to re ice the area. He was pretty frustrated but let me have my moment...such a good husband babe is! I went and re iced the same area and prayed to God to take my anxiety away. Then I was ready!

HCG Trigger ~ Part 3

I decided to sit on the couch and put all my weight to one side so that Babe could inject the other side. He re wiped the area and let it dry. I went to look back because anyone who knows me knows that I like to see my pain coming. Well by the time I flinched to turn he had already pushed the needle in. I didn't feel anythng! Not a pinch, not a poke, nothing. I thought he didn't do it right because it was so painless but I asked if he had it all the way in and he said yes. After he gave me a smile and a wink and needless to say we were both pretty impressed with his shot giving skills.

Conclusion

I don't know why I always worry about things. Mostly when I anticipate the worse then it is NEVER as bad as I think. *Sigh* All that worry for nothing. And because I am a wimp we ended up not giving the injection until 9:45pm.

We're going to have twins!!!! - Vlog #2

2009-01-30T13:17:00.009-05:00

Today begins my first day of positive thinking. Just to set the record straight...I don't know that we are going to have twins but I believe that we may be close. The RE appointment went well. The bloodwork was absolutely painless and the ultrasound yielded good news. I do explain this on the video but I had three measurable follies on my left. Two at 13mm and one at 14mm. On the right I had two measurable and mature follies. One at 17 and one at 18. Those are my twins! There is more so watch and enjoy...

Fear Will Cripple You....If You Let It!

2009-01-28T20:12:00.002-05:00

I have been having a problem recently with fear. I talked to my mom about it and she was helpful but the fear keeps creeping up on me...so characteristic of fear, huh? So I decided to do a dump post to divulge all of my fears to my loyal readers. Most of this may seem stupid but hey...fear has no respect, so here goes.

Guns and being shot by a bullet.
Fire and being burned alive.
All Bugs
Being in a car accident.
Death and dead people.
Ghosts and the fact that they do exist.
Staying at home alone during the night.
Being raped.
Being pulled over by the police.
Brain Aneurysms.
Life without my husband.
Needles
Infertility...

And recently my infertility status has made me more fearful than ever. Here are my random infertility fears. I fear....

That big azz needle that ironically will be going into that big azz of mine.
That the Clomid didn't work.
That the Clomid worked too well.
That Babe's sperm count will be too low post wash.
That I will have way too many mature follicles.
That they will cancel the cycle right there while I am on the table.
That the procedure won't work.
That I will get a BFN at the end of my tww.
That I will get "the call" at work telling me the procedure didn't take.
That Babe will be disappointed.
That I will never be a mother.

But despite all of these fears, I know I have to believe and stay hopeful. The reality is that this fear consumes me, it cripples me beyond recognition. I am afraid of all the things that can go wrong to the point where I have convinced myself that they will go wrong. Fear will cripple you...if you let it. So, all I can do is not succomb to this fear. I know that God is faithful and as my mom told me last night...

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".

And with that, I am going to look fear in the face, throw away my crutches, and tell fear to kiss my big ol' azz!

This is my life for the next 12 days - Vlog #1

2009-01-23T10:27:00.000-05:00

Is is just me or does this look like a whole lot of meds? Now for my IVF'ers please don't shoot me! I know that it could be a lot worse but you have to admit...for an IUI cycle, this is a whole lotta stuff!

Now I know that everyone has been waiting and waiting for updates and I promised I would do it big didn't I? So for your viewing pleasure here is my very first Vlog...enjoy!

BTW: Make sure you have time because it is about 10 minutes full of pure rambling! Oh and don't laugh...it's my first one. It will get better...promise!

I know I promised but....

2009-01-22T20:21:00.003-05:00

The vlog was so darn long that my computer just wouldn't download it. I sat in front of the screen for hours and nothing...just loading...and loading...and loading...and...well you get the point. So I hope all of you that are dying with anticipation will forgive me. I really tried but it just wasn't meant to be, tonight at least.

So tomorrow while I am supposed to be working I will attempt to download the video again. For you see at work...I have wireless network connection and that my friends is the best kind! Well I am off to take my Clomid and eat a chicken salad sammy. I will post tomorrow. Promise!

Slacker..

2009-01-21T22:22:00.002-05:00

Is what I am....guilty as charged. I went to the RE today and I do have TONS of news to share with everyone but it's late and I have to work tomorrow. I promise to have a much better post tomorrow complete with pictures, possibly a video if I can get my sound to work, and maybe even shots of my meds package from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy!

Finally....We're getting somewhere!

2009-01-20T15:52:00.002-05:00

Today is almost done and tomorrow is a new day...a new beginning. Tomorrow is the first day of my very first assisted cycle. I received my very first bit of cycle information early this morning as I settled down in my office. I always arrive to work a tad bit late and I always try to play "catch up" with my favorite person...C.F. While we were chatting my office line rings. The conversation goes:

Me: This is R
N: This is Dr. M's office calling to remind you about your 9:30am appointment tomorrow.
Me: Oh, okay Thanks.
N: Also, we ask that you not wear any scented lotions or purfume as you are entering an IVF cycle.
Me: (Thinking to myself..No I am entering an IUI cycle and why can't I wear my Vicky Secretions?)
Me: Okay..BTW did you have a chance to check my benefits?
N: I did...hold one moment...(Crappy V.O.I.P phone musak plays)..Yes I didn't call back because it looks like not much has changed. You are only covered for diagnostics.
Me: Well I was wondering about the ultrasounds and how much they would run...?
N: Are you entering a cycle?
Me: Yes...(An IVF cycle apparently)
N: Depending on how everything looks it will probably be between $107 and $190.
Me: Ooooh...o...kay.
N: Okay then sweetie see ya tomorrow!

All I am thinking is how can she be so excited to take my money. I am still holding onto hope that the RE office will code them exactly the same as all my other ultrasounds and they will be covered. I can assure you I will be yelling "Thanks God" if those baby's are covered! I am learning to be thankful for the small things in life.

So life is good. I will be in attendance tomorrow at 9:30am complete with ashy knees and ankles...Oh and foul B.O!

A letter to my dear Aunt Flo:

2009-01-18T21:10:00.002-05:00

Curse you Aunt Flo! You are NOT a girls closest friend...in fact you are MY worst enemy! You cause me unbearable stomach pain and every time you arrive I find myself curled in a ball praying to God above that you do not kill me. You cause me to pop countless pills just to find some relief from your wrath. I do NOT love you for that. Oh how I wish you would just pass my house for the next 9 months and prey on some other unsuspecting soul. And although I would love to thank you for bearing me a monthly gift, I will most likely want to exchange that gift for a precious reflection of my husband and myself. You are quite the witch Aunt Flo and your visits are becoming more and more annoying. PLEASE stop bothering me!

Signed,

A Disgruntled Mommy Wanna Be.

Ramblings of a Subfertile

2009-01-17T20:18:00.005-05:00

I know a lot of you were concerned about the argument that Babe and I had. Everything is fine. We worked it out just like we always do. Babe expressed to me that he felt like I was pointing fingers at him and I expressed to him that I feel like fingers are always being pointed at me..because I am subfertile. I told him I was so tired of everyone in his family looking at me like I was the cause of our curren non pregnant state and how they all look at me like I have the scarlet letter on my forehead.

I know he understands my motives. Sometimes they are good but the way they are portrayed seem all wrong. I know that his is sensitive right now about our issues and I didn't take that into consideration when we were discussing our plans for this cycle. Looking back I could have been a lot more understanding and a lot less rude. There were tears and lots of them but good things will come of this.

It is a lot of pressure on me right now trying to achieve pregnancy. It seems like I have tried it all. I know that this month will bring positive things but it is very hard dealing with everything emotionally. The study stream of YouTube videos keep me motivated and strong. I know this journey has only just begun and we have a long way to go yet. I just have to continue to pray for stregnth, guidance, and patience.

On the TTC front I have been spotting for a few days now. I took an HPT this morning and it was a blazing negative. I expected that of course but now it has become more of a ritual to POAS because it makes me feel safe taking Ibuprofen knowing for sure I am not pregnant. So now that we know for sure...pass me those pills!

There is nothing wrong with my boys!

2009-01-13T09:40:00.003-05:00

Uggggh! I am so frustrated with Babe. Last night we were having a conversation about how long it's been since we had a drink. He mentioned purchasing some wine for the weekend. Well I thought it was a bad idea b/c A. Everyone knows drinking is not the best for fertility and B. We will be starting a new cycle soon and I don't want anything hindering our success.

Now I know that may be a little obsessive and over the top but I don't want to spend $1200 on a cycle and then look back and think "what if". You know what if I hadn't taken that drink? What if he hadn't taken that drink. I don't know if I mentioned this but my worst fear is being cancelled right there on the table b/c the counts aren't sufficient or b/c I overstimmed.

Well anyway, I mentioned about the drinking and he goes "there is nothing wrong with me" so for some reason that really bothered me and I go "what doctor were you talking to". So he gets all defensive and I try to explain to him that if there wasn't something wrong then we would be pregnant after all this time. He seems to feel like some people just aren't compatible reproductively. I agree...but it is called unexplained infertilty not PCOS and Male Factor.

I tried to explain to him that yes his numbers are good enough for the IUI but that doesn't really mean that everything is fine. He seems to feel that there is nothing wrong with his boys. Even after two visits with very low numbers. Don't get me wrong...his count is great but with a morph of only 6.7% and motility under 50% I feel that there is clearly an issue there. I just don't get it. So we are not speaking right now. I guess I just felt like we both understood that this was both of our issue and we were both going to do what it took to make things work. Well apparently I am the only one with the problem.

There is so much more to this story than I am saying but you get the picture. Maybe it is a male thing. I am just outdone!

My upcoming cycle and pricing

2009-01-09T13:01:00.003-05:00

I know most of you will be wondering, "How the heck does this girl know what her cycle will be like"? Well short answer...I don't. But I am extreamly OC about this whole process so...bite me!
Let's take a look shall we?

1/19 ~ AF is Due
1/21 ~ RE appt. for U/S and Clomid ($290 + $9.00)
1/21 ~ Clomid
1/22 ~ Clomid
1/23 ~ Clomid
1/24 ~ Clomid
1/25 ~ Clomid
1/30 ~ Follie Scan, Bloodwork and Possible Trigger ($107 + $113 + $50)
2/1 ~ IUI#1 ($289)
2/2 ~ IUI#2 ($289)
2/8 ~ P4 Check ($70.00)
2/16 ~ BETA! ($30.00)

GRAND TOTAL $1,250*

So blogger world there ya have it. I can't wait!

*I must mention here that the total will probably be a whole lot less. The insurance will probably cover most of my ultrasounds and bloodwork but I don't know for sure so I just priced according to the RE statement.

A More Exciting TWW...And a Less Exciting Baby Shower!

2009-01-09T12:40:00.004-05:00

So I am in the TWW once again. I am also very excited this TWW! Why you ask? Well let me tell ya. I am excited because although I probably won't be pregnant, I will be one step closer to becoming pregnant. Because I will probably have to deal with cramps, bloating, and sore boobs but the next time I have those symptoms I could possibly be pregnant. Because AF arriving will ultimately mean that we have failed yet another cycle, however we are still one cycle closer to our BFP!

On another note: My SIL's baby shower is scheduled for February. This is terrible because A. Ummm I will be undergoing fertility treatments and B. I will be undergoing fertility treatments. This whole thing screams mental breakdown. God I can just hear everyone at the shower going, "So when are you guys going to have a baby?", "Hey where is your bump?", "Oh I'm not having anymore it is their turn" and my all time number one favorite "Are you pregnant?" Oh yeah and then there is the gift opening in which a waterfall of "oooh's and aaaah's" will commence. SIL will waddle around looking all cute and preggo and I will be running around like a slave trying to avoid all akward situations at any cost.

Has any of my IF friends noticed recently that there has been an influx of babies and preggo women at every corner? I was at Golden Corral last night and we saw two new born babies and one pregnant woman who of course had to stop by our table because my MIL and FIL are so prominent in the community. SIGH.

So AF is due on MLK day..Woopie! At least we have the day off so I can sleep all day and not worry about cramps that just won't quit. I usually get AF while I am at work or on a day I have to go to work so...crap to that! This month God decided to give me a much needed break which I wholeheartly appreciate. Thanks God....

Happy 2 days after New Years!

2009-01-03T19:38:00.002-05:00

Okay...I know I should have done this days ago so sue me! I have really be just relaxing and enjoying my time off.

Everyone talks about resolutions and such but I feel like I do that every year and never keep them...then again maybe that is all the fun of resolutions huh?

All I know is 2009 will be my year! Babe and I will be pregnant and we will give birth to our first child...THIS YEAR! Babe was so cute on New Year's. He mentioned as the evening came to a close that he himself had two resolutions. I was shocked because Babe has never been into the resoultion thing. But here he was..surprising me yet again.

He said to me that the only two things he wanted to do this New Year was get his Camaro running and getting me pregnant. So sweet! I would like that too.

Recently I have been labeling all of my baby items in the closet. I have boxes and boxes of baby items stashed away from when we first decided that we would "pull the goalie". Unfortunately, I didn't realize it would take us so darn long to become pregnant nor did I realize that we would be struggling with IF together. The good news is A. I now have space in my closet and B. I am fully prepared to have twins!

...Laughing Out Loud

No I'm Not Pregnant.. I'm Just Fat

2009-01-01T12:33:00.003-05:00

Last night Babe and I had church. It's a tradition that we as Baptist have participated in all our lives. Generally we arrive at church around 9pm and the closing prayer is done at 12 midnight to bring in the new year. We also serve breakfast to everyone after the service is over. Last year I was roped into cooking the eggs which sucks because cooking eggs for a slew of people...well it just sucks.

So this year I resolved to not cook the eggs b/c well cooking eggs for a slew of people just sucks as I already mentioned. Especially when you have already slaved in the kitchen before church cooking 4 pounds of bacon. I did end up cooking the eggs by the way.

But on to more important things. As I am in the kitchen with my very pregnant SIL, Babe's cousin just blurts out, "Are you pregnant?". Now mind you I am completely taken aback by her question considering the fact that at Thanksgiving she asked me the same thing! So, my mind began to reel as to what whitty comment I would make but all I could muster was a "Girrrrl naw!" Now in a perfect world the conversation would have gone like this...

(She) - "Bekah, are you pregnant?"
(Me) - "Why, do I look pregnant?"
(She) - Studdering to find something to say with a dumb look on her face
(Me) - "No, I'm not pregnant...I'm just fat!"

So...there you have it. A nice start to my new year. Being asked for the gazillionth time if I am pregnant. Happy New Year to Me!

I know you've missed me but....

2008-12-31T03:43:00.003-05:00

...I have been enjoying my two weeks off of work with my adorable darling husband. Right now I don't know why I am up at this ungodly hour, oh wait...it is because my husband just now came to bed which woke me up entirely. His routine tends to do that with the washing of the face, showering, hair routine, and turning on the television to a blaring volume just to fall asleep watching it. But...to know him is to love him and boy do I sure love him.

Nothing new going on in the ttc area. I am beginning to get EWCM which I normally do around this time so although we are preparing for the next cycle we will still give a wholehearted attempt at this cycle naturally. Let's give it up for ole' fashioned babymaking s-e-x...Can I get a whoop whoop?

And ironically enough I am also planning my SIL's baby shower in February. How did I get so lucky you ask? Well first of all because I am just the sweetest person ever (honk, honk) and secondly because I don't know if anyone else would have done it if I didn't mention it and lastly because I just love placing myself in the fertile presence of my 7 month pregnant SIL every chance I get. Let me just tell you...the sheer torture of hosting the baby shower in the same month as my IUI is causing me to wonder if I am loosing my mind these days. I think we all know the answer to that!

So I have to figure out a way to strategic plan the shower around the weekend that I may need to get the IUI done. I am sure it's workable. I won't stress out. Breath in, breath out, relaaaax. So thank you blogger world for dealing with my ramblings. Oh and more good news...I will be placing videos on my blog documenting the IUI in all of its glory. Best of all..it will be totally unscripted! The good, bad, and ugly...stay tuned!

Ladies and Gentlemen...We have A Plan!

2008-12-24T17:19:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately that plan won't take effect until my next cycle...such is life.

We went to the RE's office today. Our appointment was at 11 but they didn't call us back until 11:20 or later. I was afraid to look at the time for fear that I would go slap off on someone. Hey...give me a break, I have my period. Anyway they called us back and they took my vitals. Anyone who knows why they took my vitals for a consult appointment please feel free to elaborate! After that we went in to speak with Dr. M.

Dr. M is a nice character. He is very down to earth and I like him a lot. Hubby likes him too. He went over our history and our latest results. Everything looked okay and he gave us his recommendation. The recommendation was pretty much what I expected but for entertainment purposes I will take you through the protocol.

When AF arrives I will begin Clomid for CD3 - CD7. They will bring me back on CD12 for a follicle scan. If everything looks good they will prescribe the Hcg trigger and we will do a double...yes double IUI. So freakin' exciting! The doctor said that he expects that I will respond just fine to 50mg of Clomid since my body is doing some form of ovulation on its own anyway. He discussed multiples and SR and that is where Babe starts freaking out.

Babe says I don't want to do any type of reduction and the Dr. is tickled pink b/c I don't think he ever got that reaction out of a male client before. Babe was extreamly concerned with the whole "risk of multiples and SR" thing but I reassured him that we probably won't even have to worry about it. (Although I am almost sure we will end up with twins since we are stimming and there are twins on both my mother and fathers side of the family).

So all in all it was a good consult and we are just saving our dollars and waiting for the next cycle. Pretty freaked out about that whole shot thing but I am sure it won't be nearly as bad as I am envisioning. We are almost there people! We are so close to getting that BFP...I know it...I can feel it...I believe it!

CD1...AGAIN!!!

2008-12-22T17:44:00.002-05:00

Well the witch finally showed her face. I just wish I had not have wasted that pregnancy test. I already knew that I wasn't pregnant but I just let my emotions get the best of me. I won't let that happen again though. It's funny in a way because I used to be so optimistic about things. Now I just struggle to see the positive in all of this. I do know deep down inside that there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

This was officially our 6th consecutive cycle of ttc since Babe came back from California. Technically we could try for 6 more months but we don't really have to b/c we have already been labled as infertile. We have been through all of the testing and we really have been fortunate to have been able to see a specialist early on in the game. I know I couldn't deal with 6 more months of this. Hopefully I won't have to.

I have been thinking about my blog lately and I think it would be more interesting if I also did video clips of my journey. So I will work on that. Hopefully my journey will be of inspiration to someone else. And of course with every negative thing that occurs there is always something positive to counter balance things. On a positive note the arrival of AF brings a new cycle. A medicated cycle. A cycle of hope. A cycle which I am praying will end in a pregnancy.

I think my body and AF have a thing together...

2008-12-21T23:35:00.003-05:00

Either that or God just thinks it is hilarious to torture me every month. No wait..I know...it is because AF is just plain ole mean. She's a mean witch! Yep...

The spotting is gone. It was only a few spots once...yesterday at that. I put a tampon in just to be on the safe side and when I removed it...just a bit of brownish-errrr pinkish colored blood. Now I am spending my time obsessing over if this has happened before. I have come to the conclusion that yes it has just not in this manner. I have spotted before AF. It is usually on and off but pretty consistant. Once, the spotting stopped for a day or so and then AF didn't come until the evening...just when I thought I may have missed her. I don't know why my body does this to me.

The thing is she shouldn't get my hopes up like that. It's cruel! I was pretty darn sure the spotting was a prelude to AF. I even had mom pick me up some tampons from the store yesterday. I don't want to get my hopes up. I am very very very scared! For once I didn't stress during the TWW because I knew we failed this cycle with everything going on. The testing and preparing for the next round. Accepting that I need med's in order to properly ovulate. Planning for the IUI in February. Now it seems like it may be a possibility that it worked. Maybe we made a baby????

Babe took me to Walgreens to get pee sticks. He wants to know as bad as I do. Of course it is way too close to Christmas for me to not make that a gift to him if I am pregnant. So tomorrow as I am out and about I will pick up some things to make my gift up....you know just in case. RE appt. still scheduled for Wednesday. Maybe I won't have to go. Maybe God is creating a miracle within me. Because we all know...that certainly would be a miracle!

BFP for Christmas?...Unfortunately Not

2008-12-20T15:55:00.002-05:00

It is much worse when you don't expect her to come for another few days. I had some hopes of testing and seeing that BFP for Christmas. I was daydreaming about how I could present the good news to Babe. Even though I knew deep down inside this cycle was a bust it still sucks. I slept most of the morning b/c I was exausted from the weeks prior events...Christmas parties galore and roasting 9 1/2 Lbs of Pecans and Walnuts for orders.

I was at my moms house when she showed. I went to the BR and there she was. Not in all her glory but still enough for me to know that she would arrive between tonight and tomorrow. :SIGH: It's funny ya know. No matter how many times you experience a failed cycle it is still rather disturbing every time.

So it's on to the next cycle. I believe that the RE will have me start Clomid on Wednesday. I am sort of excited to be starting a new cycle. If things work out money wise we may be able to get the IUI done this cycle. We'll see though....

Partial Ovulation?

2008-12-17T11:35:00.005-05:00

I received a call from Dr. M's office this morning. They told me that Babe's culture(s)...yes plural, came back negative for infection. This is good news! I asked them about my progesterone and they said the level came back at 8.4. Now I have heard some conflicting information about what this means. I have heard that greater than 5 or 6 means ovulation occured. According to fertility plus...

"A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on a natural cycle, and a level over 15 on a medicated cycle".

So I don't know exactly what is going on with my body but looks like I partially ovulated...Great! (I'm being sarcastic by the way). I guess it just confirms what the doctors think. I am ovulating but not well enough to become pregnant. The good news in all of this is that I will find out what the doctor thinks about all of this and we will leave with a plan. Finally...making some headway.

Murphy's Law

2008-12-16T15:59:00.002-05:00

Who is Murphy and why did he even go there with that stupid law. It is true though. Prime example...Babe and I have been planning to do this procedure for months now. It's our "Plan B". I have been mentioning to him that we need to save for it. Well low and behold guess what happens. He tells me last night that he won't have the money to do the procedure in January. Was I mad? Yes. Is there a better unforseen reason this happened? Yet to be determined.

We don't know what Dr. M wants us to do anyway and AF is due either Monday or Tuesday of next week. We don't see Dr. M until Wednesday (Yep Christmas Eve) so if he wants me to take Clomid this cycle he will pretty much have to call it in that day. He may very well just want us to try a natural cycle of Clomid to see how I respond in which case we wouldn't have done the IUI until Feb anyway. I hope this is God's way of directing us. Maybe a miracle will happen while on the Clomid au natural cycle.

In other news: Our job has decided to give us the two days before Christmas Eve off! Normally, Babe ends up having those days before Christmas off and I end up working until Christmas Eve. So what am I going to do with myself? Who knows! I am just so darn excited.

A different two week wait

2008-12-10T19:31:00.002-05:00

All of us in the ttc world know that we are just one more "two week wait" away from happiness. Ahhh, the two week wait... It is neverending. It is trecherous. It is plain insanity. We begin by figuring out how many DPO we are. We then count the days until implantation. We mull over what symptoms we should and should not be feeling starting at 7DPO. We do the TP Tango. We squeeze and poke our breast. We swear that nausea has hit and that farting is a definite sign. We analyze every twinge. We buy anywhere from 5-10 dollar store pregnancy test or internet cheapies only to begin testing at 8DPO only 1DPO past when implantation should occur. We try to hold out hope that each negative we see is because it is "too early". For some there is a light at the end as they marvel at that second line. But for many others like me...we wipe back the tears, toss the one lined test in the trash, and begin all over again. PURE.UTTER.INSANITY!

This month however, I am experiencing a different two week wait. One that is not nearly as crazy but still nervewracking. In exactly two weeks Babe and I will enter Dr. M's office and face our destiny. We will finally hear what we already know is true. We will initiate "Plan B". Dr. M wants to discuss our treatment options and that is both scary and relieving. This two week wait will bring answers, solutions, and change. For once I feel like this is..The last two week wait before my last two week wait!

Now I know that nothing is guarenteed. I know that one IUI may not bring us our desired pregnancy. I know that just because we spend $600 and opt for more aggressive treatment doesn't entitle us to anything. But By God at least we are getting somewhere. Somewhere other than trying month after month with no positive results. I pray that this IUI will work for us. That God will see it fit for us to become pregnant. That this is the "one" time that the fertile world has been raving over. This is our time!

Conception School Dropouts!

2008-12-09T11:31:00.004-05:00

I have such slacker organs! Aside from that Babe has slacker swimmers. So when you put the two together what do you get? Yeah...I could shoot the person who told me that "it only takes one time". Well if that is the case then why aren't we pregnant already? So here is the latest update...from my lazy ovaries to you.

I have not ovulated as of yesterday which was CD14 and I had no dominant follicles so it looks as if I am not going to O at all or it may be a poor ovulation. Babe's s/a came back okay but still subpar. Volume was the same as last time but count was pretty good @ 60 Mill. Motility much better at 43% and morph slightly better at 6.5%. The RE tells us we have graduated from IVF to IUI which is much more cost effective for us. All in all we are a pretty subfertile couple but nothing that a little modern medicine can't fix.

We have another appt. on Christmas Eve to discuss treatment options and costs. I am assuming that we will discuss a Clomid/IUI cycle for the next go round. I just can't wait to be taking action on "Plan B". I mean yes it could be several failed attempts before we get our BFP but ultimately we will get our baby! I feel so excited that pregnancy is right around the corner for us as it has already been such a long haul already. God is still good!

Spoke Way To Dang Soon

2008-12-05T15:39:00.002-05:00

Just as I thought Babe and I would have a relaxing stress free weekend full of baby making my biotch of a body wants to overperform and cause me to O early...at least I fear this is what is happening. OK before you go getting all "You know how obsessive and freaked out you become over nothing" on me hear me out.

I usually get EWCM around CD10 and O on CD14/15. Well this cycle I began getting EWCM on CD8 and today I have tons and the telltale sign of ovaries pinching like a crab on a sunny afternoon. Well I called the RE's office and of course Nurse C tells me to do the one thing I hoped I wouldn't have to do this weekend....Use the OPK's and look for the surge. CRAPOLA!

So now I will be spending my weekend stressed out about detecting the surge because Lord help me if I do then Nurse C says we have to cancel the appointment. Double Crapola! The good news is that Babe will still go for his "date with the cup" and they can still use this cycle to tell me how good I O'd by taking my progesterone in about a week.

My friend B said it best to me this morning...My body is a BITCH!

Rashes and Rationalizations

2008-12-03T14:04:00.003-05:00

I broke out in a rash on Monday night. I don't know if it was something I ate or if it was my new body wash (which I would like to mention that I have been using since last Wednesday with no problems) but either way it sucked! I was watching Saw IV on my computer and I just started itching. I went to the bathroom and I was all broken out and red and I had swollen bumps on my legs, upper and lower back, hips...uh pretty much everywhere. I took benadryl, rubbed cortizone cream all over, and took the day off work. I feel much better.

I asked Babe if he felt like we were rushing into things with the IUI. I feel like we may be rushing God and that we should just wait on him. At the same time I know that I don't want to pretend that everything is fine when there could be a problem. I am torn really. Babe really didn't help much. He just told me to pray...Thanks honey.

I figured that we would do this appointment on Monday and if they say that everything checks out with Babe and the boys and all is well with my blood work results then we will not proceed with "Plan B"...at least for now. As hard as it will be I will try to give it a full consecutive year. Which means trying on our own until July. If the results come back subpar for either Babe or myself...well it's on to "Plan B". That is the best way to rationalize this whole ordeal.

In the meantime Babe and I will enjoy each other without the pressures of "trying" this month. I can say that only because I will basically know when I am O'ing because of the RE appt. so I can pretty much cheat this cycle. Well I am okay with that especially since I have been working so hard these past few cycles.

Forgot to mention...

2008-12-01T10:14:00.003-05:00

...Babe and I went on a date night Saturday. While we were in the mall he told me that his UR told him that we need to relax. He said that him and his wife had been trying for years and then they went on a cruise and whammo...9 months later they had a son. Which I must mention was their only son. So why did this bother me so much you ask?

Well mainly because it is an actual medical professional telling us to relax. Two because...HELLO you are supposed to be figuring out why we aren't getting pregnant. Three because...ummm yeah obviously if it were really that simple then people would be pregnant all the time. And lastly because come on you are a urologist that specializes in infertility...Show a little compassion man!

The sad part in it all is that Babe actualy felt confident in that tidbit of advice and I am actually starting to believe that maybe if we just relax....yeah whatever....

Somthing to look forward to

2008-12-01T09:37:00.003-05:00

Right now Babe and I are in that "waiting" period. Waiting to O, waiting for his S/A, waiting for my U/S appt, waiting for a baby, waiting....waiting....waiting. I honestly think this is the worst wait EVER...Yes even as worse as the TWW. So as I am thinking about how I am going to pass the time I realize that he and I actually have something to look forward to.

Babe has never seen me get an ultrasound done during my fertile period. Well he has but since my ovaries were very cystic at the time it really wasn't very interesting. So I find it quite amusing that he will actually get to experience the joy of "the wand" AND see how many eggs his swimmers could potentially fertilize them. It will be the highlight of our day to say the least.

On another note: I feel really bad about Babe having to make his deposit this time around. I mean poor guy...I wonder if I should go in to assist this time around. Maybe it won't take an hour. I'm thinking Demi Moore...Ya know...Strip Tease! I will admit though I am not to keen on having a needle dug into my veins at 7:00 in the morning. :Sigh: whatever it takes I guess.

And so...the countdown begins. 6 days until my next RE appointment!

Turkey and TTC

2008-11-28T11:37:00.003-05:00

Babe and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. All of our family was there and we ate until we couldn't eat anymore. And because I am a lover of all things food...I will give you a complete menu listing. Our Thanksgiving meal consisted of

Fried Turkey
Honey Dijon Baked Spiral Ham
Baked Macaroni and Cheese
Collard Greens
Dressing and Gibblet Gravy
Candied Yams
Corn Pudding
Cranberry Relish
Cranberry Sauce
Fresh Baked Yeast Rolls
Deviled Eggs
Million Dollar Pie
Sweet Potato Pie
Peach Dump Cake

Ummm....Yeah so we pigged out! Everything was delicious and I was exausted. Of course we made our rounds to Babe's side of the family. While there of course the topic of conversation was when Babe and I were going to have children. No one knows that we have been trying hard without any success. Unfortunately, this time only I was cornered with the question so Babe didn't have to face the embarrassment. I began to feel the pressure when C, T, and V were sitting at the table with me and they were talking about their pregnancies...Yes all of them have more than one child!

I was the only one at the table with nothing to add. I just sat and looked while they talked about morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms. I texted Babe and told him I was getting tired so he came in and rescued me. When we got in the car I told him about what happened and he said he was sorry I had to listen to that. He is so sweet! At home I told him that mom and dad blessed some oil for us b/c they know we are having trouble in that department. He ended the conversation by saying that it would happen soon for us and that God won't let us down. I believe that...I have to.

Bloodwork and Ultrasound - Updates!

2008-11-26T10:09:00.004-05:00

I spent the majority of my morning going back and forth with the RE's office. I was surprised when the NP told me that I didn't need to come in to see them until CD13 for the U/S and Babe's S/A. I am getting the B/W done through Quest earlier that morning. Babe and I will take the day off and get things done and then we will probably go to PA BBQ and relax the rest of the day. It should be a good day!

So mentally I am feeling okay. I think the wait is going to kill me but it isn't nearly as bad as the TWW. I know the 8th will be here before we know it. The good news is that they will probably be able to tell me how long it will be before I O so I can BD stress free. No OPK's this month! WOO HOO! I am actually pretty excited to find out how many eggs I produce and what sizes they are. Boy the things that amuse me these days.

Well my friends that it it for now...I don't know if I will have many updates regarding our babymaking adventures at least until we are approaching our appointment. I wonder how long it will be before we get our results back?

CD1....AGAIN

2008-11-25T17:22:00.004-05:00

So AF found me....AGAIN! I pretty much expected it though. I was forced by Babe to take a HPT because we were experiencing some "symptoms" of pregnancy. I took the test on yesterday morning and of course...BFN. So we spent the day sulking over our disappointing news and decided to move on to "Plan B" as Babe fondly calls it.

AF arrived today at around 1:30(ish) accompanied by all the bells and whistles. Cramps, irritability, and chocolate cravings. I called the RE's office to schedule my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. Unfortunately, they never called me back. I am concerned because my CD3 falls on Turkey Day and I certainly don't want to be getting probed when I should be glazing the ham. But hey...I guess I will do what I have to do.

On to better news....

Babe went to see Dr. Golf today at 3:15. I called at around 4:15 to see how things went. He told me that Dr. Golf agreed that he should get another S/A done and wrote the prescription. Babe doesn't have to take the Clomid until we see what the results are. We couldn't have asked for a better appointment! Hopefully I can get Babe scheduled for the S/A at the same time I go for my appt. We are so excited. We are on our way to "Plan B"!

Life is like a box of....Chocolates?

2008-11-20T12:49:00.004-05:00

Yes, sweet delicious chocolates. While I am sure Forest Gump was very profound when he used the analogy of chocolates and life he obviously didn't consider that chocolate is rich, sweet, and delicious...none of which my life is right now. And unfortunately it is true that you never know what you are going to get.

I am 8DPO today and almost certain that I am not going to be getting that Thanksgiving surprise that I have been praying for. And yes, I did say almost certain because no one is ever 100% certain of anything...there is always that itsi bitsi exception. And of course being 8DPO I am really feeling more anxious about what next week may hold for Babe and I. I really want to make his dreams come true by announcing that we beat the odds by becoming pregnant.

So if life really was like a box of chocolates then I wouldn't be so bitter. Bitter because Babe and I have tried everything under the sun in an attempt to become pregnant. We have tried Praying, Charting, Robitussin, Praying more, Acteyl L Carnitene, Preseed, Hip Elevation, Praying harder, Laying for 30 minutes, Fertili Tea, OPK Strips, Pineapple Juice, Grapefruit Juice, Vitamins, Clomid, and yes....Relaxing! We have even resorted...correction, I have resorted to Begging God to bless us.

I guess I will know soon enough if any of that worked. I am tired so I really hope something happens, and soon!

Phantom of the Opera

2008-11-18T16:43:00.003-05:00

The Phantom of the Opera was one of the shows that our orchestra performed when I was in high school. We performed all of the musical selections complete with smoke, light effects, and sound effects. It was awesome! But today I am beginning to have another type of phantom episode plaguing me. It is my phantom pregnancy symptoms. I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact 6 DPO today and that was all thanks to my handy dandy ovulation calendar/calculator. It told me that I did in fact O on 11/12 and that places me at 6 days past ovulation. Hip hip hooray!

It's funny that these symptoms are much like my performance in high school, especially the smoke screen. I feel like the symptoms are making it very hard to visualize the reality that I probably am not pregnant this month. They throw up this screen that makes you believe that what you are experiencing is in fact real...even though they are the same symptoms you have experienced before in other non pregnant cycles.

Just for your entertainment pleasure I will report that I have began experiencing cramping, frequent urination, and my breasts are becoming tender. But, aren't these the same symptoms you experience every month? Yes, yes they are except for last month in which I had no symptoms at all whatsoever and still ended up with a negative. So while I will always remember that magical performance from my high school days I wish to lock away the phantom forever and proudly sing to the world that I am finally pregnant...I hope that I am able to have my own performance soon!

5....Errrr 6DPO

2008-11-17T08:53:00.003-05:00

Today I am either 5 or 6 DPO...not that it really matters anyway but I just thought I would mention it. I have been feeling very peaceful this cycle. I mean I would still like a positive outcome (read: a positive pregnancy test) but if not then it is on to the next cycle. I guess I just feel like we are getting closer to receiving medical intervention.

I have been reading blogs all weekend and it is so sad how women pay all of this money out of pocket for IUI's and IVF treatments and still come up BFN. I mean women who have done this for 3 or more times. Don't get me wrong...it isn't sad that these women actually pay for treatment but it is sad that it isn't always guarenteed.

I am really struggling with the statistics right now. It seems that the odds are only increased by a small percentage and that is if you are on meds. I do, of course, plan on taking Clomid and trying the trigger shot. I think with the cost of things, Babe and I, will probably try the IUI every three months until it works...hopefully it will work the first time. ::SIGH::

Prayer and Faith

2008-11-13T13:34:00.004-05:00

Mom always tells me that sometimes you need something tangible to help you ask God for what you want and keep faith that he will grant that. Sometimes people have prayer cloths, sheets, a cross, a stone, or whatever....

I thought that since I have been feeling out of sorts with religion lately I would do the same so I purchased a prayer box necklace. It opens and you put your prayer inside. It looks like this....

So, I am going to write my prayer request for a happy healthy pregnancy and baby and place it inside the prayer box. That way when I wear it everyday I will remain strong and keep the faith that God will hear my prayer and he will answer them in his time.

On another note: I made an appointment on 11/25 for Babe to go back to Dr. F who I will now refer to as Dr. Golf . We call him that, Babe and I, because he is never there and it is so inconvenient to try to get ahold of him that we figure he has to be at the golf course everyday. Anyway Babe has an appointment with Dr. Golf to talk about the "Clomid Night" which I will never mention in public so you all will have to use your imaginations about what occured. Hopefully, Babe can get some answers about his S/A as well. Only 2 more months until our IUI consultation/scheduling. It is like the movie Groundhog Day during a TWW......

Uhhhhh....

2008-11-13T13:15:00.003-05:00

Why is it that when people don't experience things for themselves they feel the need to catagorize everyone based on their perceptions? I will never understand that. It's like if you haven't spent hundreds of dollars at the RE's office, gone through months of needle pokes, had dye shot through your fallopian tubes, been told you have hostile CM, endured months of vaginal ultra sounds, induced by provera for a year, subjected DH to the embarassment of touching his manhood in a public place, and given the news that you are subfertile and the only way to conceive is through IUI or IVF then you should just keep your freakin' opinions to yourself.

NEWS FLASH: Just because you relax and manage to become pregnant doesn't mean everyone who is ttc can relax and become pregnant. Infertility is NOT a mind game it is a reproductive dysfunction. Man people really need to go back to school and learn a few things or do some research or something.

Ugggh the things people say sometimes. I gather I will be loosing a heck load of friends in the upcoming months because of plain ol stupidity. Whatever.....

To Ovulation...........And Beyond!

2008-11-10T14:07:00.004-05:00

I decided that I would bring my OPK strip to work so that I could test today. I want to make sure I don't miss that window. I have a crap load of EWCM and I was sure I would O tomorrow. I took the test and I am close but....no cigar. I am pretty sure I will get my positive tomorrow and O on Wednesday. I feel as if my ovaries are going to explode!

Bad O pains this time around. I am grateful that I actaully feel them this cycle. Last cycle I think I had a sub par ovulation and that wasn't apparent until this cycle when the pains and abundance of fertile CM showed. I am going to use this to my advantage of course and plan several BD sessions with Babe. He will be so pleased!

I am just trying to stay optimistic about this cycle. I know the dreaded TWW is going to be murder on me but I have been through it before so I know what to expect. Just hoping this time won't end is sheer and utter disappointment like it usually does. I mentioned to my friend C that Babe and I were considering IUI for February. She was pretty supportive and that was a relief. I am so tired of all of the comments about how we should just be patient or stop trying so hard.

Hello people it's called (in)fertility. Although I would like to consider Babe and myself subfertile. It makes me upset that people think it is so easy to become pregnant. Like being subfertile has a cure which consists of relaxing and starting adoption paperwork. Geeze.............

Weekend Getaway

2008-11-10T11:14:00.012-05:00

Babe and I went to Miami to a car show this Saturday. It was awesome! We went with R and C and their three kids....errrr 4 kids. I saw a lot of cute cars but my next car will be the VW CC. It is so beautiful. So beautiful in fact that I have decided to show you all a picture of it.

I saw a lot of different cars I like and I am a car type of girl. I hopefully won't need the mini van yet....Another awesome thing that happened was when we got to meet Will from the show Unique Whips. If you don't know who in the heck I am talking about, don't worry. Will owns an auto shop and he customizes all the "ballers" cars. From 50 cent to Eminem. He was signing shirts and posters so we all got souviners. I love his show and Babe and I would watch it all the time.

After the car show we went to Chipotle which is our new favorite restaurant aside from Cheesecake Factory. Chipotle is not as expensive so on that note I digress..... If you have never been to Chipotle then boy are you missing a treat. I like it because everything is so very simple. You can order a salad bowl, rice bowl, burritos, or three tacos and fill it with your choice of meat, salsas, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, ect...It is to die for. And since I am a food lover at heart I have included pictures because I believe that the eyes are the pallate for the stomach....

YUMMO! Babe and I both had the rice bowl with Carnitas and Chicken. C and R had steak burritos, and the kids had chicken soft tacos. All in all I would say it was a good day. Tiring but good.....

E3, FSH, and EWCM

2008-11-07T14:12:00.003-05:00

Sounds very scientific huh? So I called the RE today to get a price sheet on IUI/Clomid cycle just in case...you all know me, I am very obsessive, very compulsive, and overall just a freak of nature when it comes to ttc. I studied the numbers very closely trying to come up with a total but I came to the conclusion that I will just have to wait until my Follicle scan to get a breakdown of everything.

Speaking of Follicles...I saw my first glimpse of EWCM today at around 12:30pm. I am so proud of myself. Can't ya tell... It is CD10 today so I figure I will probably O on CD14 again this cycle. I would love to O earlier though because I am having a bit of a conflict with my body and the two most important national holiday's, Thanksgiving and Christmas!

I was attempting to schedule the E3, FSH, and Progesterone at the RE's office for November...again just in case. Well these tests are done on day 3 of my cycle. Low and Behold, my cycle for both November and December falls exactly 3 days before Thanksgiving and Christmas. So ultimately this means I have to either wait until January to have everything done or try to pursuade the RE to let me have the b/w and such done on CD2.

I really hope there is a silver lining somewhere around here!

And then there was that feeling...

2008-11-07T08:41:00.004-05:00

I woke up this morning with the weirdest feeling ever. It is very hard to describe but in my still slumbered state, I will attempt to do so. I woke up this morning and my heart felt different. It felt like this is and will be the month I get pregnant. No doubt about it 100% sure gut feeling! It was the weirdest thing. I just felt like God spoke to my heart and told me not to worry and that we would get our miracle very very soon.

Now I don't know if it will happen this month or even next month but I do know that it was the best feeling I have felt in a long long time. I am praying even harder for our miracle now. I really hope that I have the stregnth to handle whatever comes in these next few months as I await these next few weeks to see if I will be entering the world of pregnancy.

As I look at the calendar and reflect on Thanksgiving, it seems so close but yet so far. I know that by then I will know for sure if I am pregnant or not. The good news is that Babe and I have our weekends booked solid until then so I will have plenty of time to not focus on the outcome of our efforts. Praise God for that....

4 days until I O and our 2-year Anniversary..........................

Preseed is my new bestie!

2008-11-07T08:32:00.005-05:00

Last night Babe and I decided to try the Preseed even though it isn't quite time for me to O. I was actually kind of nervous because I never really have a problem in that department and so naturally I never really used that type of product. Nevertheless, I took my shower after dinner and applied the product. Simple...

So, I called Babe in so that we could commence with modern practices and man oh man! I LOVE PRESEED!!! Even if it doesn't work to get us pregnant I would buy it just to use on a regular basis...especially during those quick fixes. I was intantly ready to go! That was so awesome to me. Boy the things that tend to amuse me. I laugh at myself sometimes.

I hearby declare that regardless of the outcome of this cycle...I love Preseed and I will continue to use it throughout my days. Preseed certainly has my vote....

The Countdown and The Plan

2008-11-06T10:43:00.004-05:00

Ovulation day is quickly approaching. I have decided to kill two birds with one stone this month. Since Babe and I are observing our Anniversary on Tuesday which happens to be a holiday I thought it would be nice to go to our new favorite restaurant...The Cheesecake Factory. While we are in City Place I am going to go to B&N and while he is browsing the magazines like he usually does I will unsuspectingly purchase him a fatherhood book as well as something for myself.

I plan on surprising him with it this month provided I get a positive test result. Ironically, my O date falls right on our Anniversary date so I think God has his hands on this one. AF is due 2 days before Thanksgiving so that would make a wonderful surprise. Plus, all my family will be at my house on Thanksgiving so I think it would be great to announce our pregnancy on Thanksgiving. Of course being the quirky obsessive freak that I am will probaby test during the weekend that Babe and I will be out of town for a friend's wedding. Hopefully I can keep the secret until Thanksgiving but it is going to be hard sneaking to get a blood test done...especially with one vehicle.

Anyhoodle, that is all of course just my plan and we all know what happens to the best laid plans right? Right....

5 days and counting.......................

Preseed + Prayer = Pregnancy????

2008-11-06T10:28:00.005-05:00

I have some major mixed emotions about this month. I have felt so many different emotions over the past months of ttc. I told mom last night that I just can't bear to get excited just to be let down again. I try to get mom to understand that I do believe God has a plan for us and that we have to believe, trust and have faith that it will happen. I do believe it will happen but it is so hard staying positive when all you keep getting are Big Fat Negatives!

The Preseed came in the mail last night. That does give me a bit of encouragement. If nothing else it will be exciting to add a new product to our bedroom repertoire. It came in this discreet package which was all James Bond secret agent style. I felt the need to run in the bathroom, lock the door, and decode the secret message which hopefully contained the key to achieving pregnancy. All in all it was pretty disappointing to see that there were just six individual applicators in a fairly simple package. It did come with a variety of reading material about various (in)fertility products which I read in the tub last night. Plus, there were two free pregnancy tests included so that in itself was worth the purchase.

I am hoping that with a lot of praying and positive thinking along with the Preseed will do the trick this cycle. If not...it's on to cycle 8.

You ever feel like you should have left well enough alone?

2008-11-05T16:44:00.004-05:00

I was reading an email from my friend N today and she asked a very important question. It caused me to call the RE for some answers. Although I probably should have just "left well enough alone" I still want to say Thanks N for mentioning that for me....

I called the RE today and basically asked them two questions that had been plaguing my mind for a few days.

Do we have to wait for Dr. F to order another test for Babe or can we just request it directly from Dr. M?
Will Dr. M prescribe Clomid for me as well even if I am regularly ovulating?

I must admit that the answers I got were not surprising but the baggage along with those answers are weighing on my mind like a ton of bricks. Basically, we can order another test with Dr. M since I was their patient anyway. (Phew...that was close). The IVF Coordinator is pretty straightforward and I definitely do not like her as well as the NP but she had the answers so I took them. She mentioned that it is probably best for me to take Clomid if we do not achieve pregnancy by January. The reason being that even though I am ovulating on my own I may not be ovulating well enough to achieve pregnancy. They would like to stim me but only if my ultra sound and blood work doesn't match.

Our plan is to try this month and if it is a no go then I will go in on CD13 for a follicle scan and blood work. That will tell us how well I am ovulating and how good the eggs are. Depending on the results I will either be stimmed with Clomid or move on to the next round with out. Babe will be retested in January and hopefully by February we can schedule IUI if needed.

So basically I did get some answers and I have that "I feel I need to be doing something" urge satisfied...for the moment.

Friendship is a powerful thing

2008-11-05T16:22:00.003-05:00

Babe always teases me about those who I label as "friends". For a while he didn't understand how I could have friends who I never even met. Sometimes I didn't even understand it myself. All I knew was that I had this amazing group of friends who I have never met but still mean the world to me. These 5 girls are the best group of women around and if I haven't said it lately, I am blessed to know them all.

A while ago S sent our group a secret email about purchasing a gift for N who will be giving birth to a baby boy soon. We all went through hours of decision making to find a gift for her. We chose a bassinet from her registry and had it shipped to her.

Today we received an email from N telling us she was in tears because of our thoughtful gesture. As I was reading N's message I began to cry because although I would have never thought twice about doing something for N, in the grand scheme of things it is really amazing to feel so much love in your heart for others. I know that N would have loved us the same had we not purchased a gift for her and that is exactly why we ourselves love N. She is an amazing woman and she is an amazing mother.

So N, this post is dedicated to you sweetheart. Because I know that no matter what I am going through you will always be there. Because your words of encouragement has always touched my heart. Because even though you are miles away and I have never seen you face to face I know that you are a true friend for life. Thank you for blessing my life! I love you girl....

A Me Day

2008-11-05T11:16:00.005-05:00

I thought I would use this post as a me post. I usually don't complain about much and so I will continue to keep with that tradition and I won't complain about "much" today. I will complain about the fact that men are so hard to understand sometimes and I am still amazed at how a silly situation can put me in such a sour mood. I won't elaborate....just know that today is not a good day for me.

On a happier note I am so glad that the election went the way it did. I am pleased with the outcome and I pray that our president has a smooth four year term. I am also moved that so many people "rocked their vote" for this monumental occasion. Enough on that...

There is no real news on the babymaking front. I am currently waiting to ovulate and I am curious as to how this new product will work for Babe and I. I have heard many many great things about it and I figured it wouldn't hurt to try. That way at least "I feel like I am doing something". Mom has been saying that "it will happen" before the new year. Well we only have two shots before the new year rings in so I sure hope I don't disappoint her...No pressure! I am thrilled to be moving ahead, towards a purpose, though. Mom asked me if I felt hopeful this month and I wish I could have been in a position to say yes. I am not.

Even Babe is feeling discouraged about the process and I could tell by our brief conversation last night. It went something like this:

(Babe) [Gives me a high five after Obama is announced as elected president] - November is a good month huh?
(Me) - Yep, it sure is.
(Babe) - This week Obama wins and next week a wedding [He meant our anniversary], we get the day off [because we got married on a holiday], and it's Thanksgiving.
(Me) - [Smiles] ...and we are going to get pregnant this month!
(Babe) - We are going to try. Hopefully it is in God's will.
(Me) - We will get pregnant this month. This is our month...

*Please God let us get pregnant this month!

Am I weird because I stare?

2008-11-04T15:01:00.004-05:00

I have recently noticed that in my completely obsessive "wish I were pregnant" state I have been staring at pregnant women. I mean it's bad enough that every 2 minutes I seem to become a magnet to "very" pregnant women but come on now...

I noticed today only because the poor girl caught me staring! But I am almost 100% sure that I have been exhibiting this weird behavior for a while now. I don't usually feel so bad when I am with Babe because he always notices them too and his weird behavior makes me feel somewhat less weird. However, I noticed today, that I stared at this girls belly in increments of time. It's not like I stare and stare and stare. No that wouldn't be me. I looked....looked again....looked again....looked again...and well, you get the picture. It's obsessive, so there!

Yeah, so as I reflect on my behavior I am wondering if I am completely obsessively weird or if I just really really want to be pregnant. You tell me....

I feel the need to be doing something

2008-11-04T09:51:00.001-05:00

Babe and I had a conversation that went something like this

(Me) - I am really frustrated by all of this
(Babe) - I know. I wish we had some answers
(Me) - I feel like I need to be doing something.
(Babe) - "laughs" Our kids are going to have that honest. I feel the same way. I feel like we should be doing something. That is why I am so frustrated by Dr. F. I mean he never said anything. At least he could have scheduled an appointment for a couple of months from now or something.
(Me) - Yeah, that frustrates me too. Why did I have to call Dr. M to get the answers that Dr. F should have been giving. That is ridiculous.
(Babe) - I just feel like we should be doing something more. Even if Dr. F made an effort to discuss our results.
(Me) - Well we are not going to worry about it. We will just take the meds and in January if we aren't pregnant then we will call Dr. F and demand another analysis. If he won't hear us then we will skip the middle man and call Dr. M and request one. They have to do it anyway so someone will tell us something.
(Babe) - Yeah, your right.

I will now elaborate on why Babe and I had this conversation. Mainly we are just frustrated with Dr. F who is his doctor because we had some paperwork faxed to him from Dr. M who is my doctor. Dr. F's office called Babe and told him that they needed to speak with him. Well Babe tries to return the call for a week. Dr. F's office is never available for us because they either close early or open late. Babe finally gets ahold of them and when he calls them back they simply say, "We got your paperwork and we were just following up to make sure you are taking your meds".

Babe and I are not happy with the level of service. We felt that we should have gotten something more than "Are you taking your meds?" Of course we are, that is why we came to you in the first place. Babe and I would definitely like to switch to Dr. H but I don't know if that is possible. We are just so outdone right now....

Communication leads to a breakthrough

2008-11-04T09:50:00.001-05:00

Last night Babe and I decided to walk around our complex since the weather was soooo nice. It was great therapy since I usually experience depression once the time falls back and it begins to get dark sooner. I still have yet to figure that one out...but mom says it is something about the sun and melatonin. Anyway, I am glad we took the time out to do that because it was the best "bonding" that Babe and I have had in a long time.

I found out a lot of things about Babe last night. I discovered that he really wants children, maybe even more than myself. I found out that he is also frustrated that we are not making any headway with the doctor. I found out that we are very much alike and that we probably need to talk to each other more becuase if we did we would feel a lot less alone in this thing. I discovered that my sweet husband is in the EXACT same spot as I am as this (in)fertility thing is concerned. That was quite a shock for me!

I felt a lot better talking to Babe last night in the cool breeze under the night stars. I felt better knowing that I do have a shoulder to lean on. Knowing Babe will be there to hold me when I see yet another pregnant woman or when we hear that another one of our friends are pregnant. For the first time I feel like Babe and I are on the same road to parenting!